dannys_martyr's blog

I don't remember much, really, except a lot of blood...one minute I was praying, the next minute there were bodies on the ground, everyone was screaming...the woman next to me, she looked like she'd been impaled with the pipe from quite a ways away...it had to have had a lot of speed to make the impact it did. Oh God...everyone was covered in blood, and then I was running, everyone was running, trying to save themselves.

Ever since my conversation with Zhen, I’ve had so much of it on my mind, and I feel like it all erupted today. So here I am, at the cathedral for the second time this afternoon. I can’t seem to get a grip on myself. I can’t even focus on my prayers, my thoughts are just too tangled.

I stopped by the orphanage today. It’s been years. There aren’t nearly as many children there as there used to be, and that breaks my heart, because I know so many of the ones who could be there are out in the streets instead.

I've been neglecting my journalings, but lately it seems I just can't find my voice. Even prayer seems exhausting today. I feel like I’m just throwing myself on my knees before the Lord and begging for something to change. I’m not used to feeling this desperate, and it scares me. There’s just so much that seems out of my control. I feel so out of touch with Danny, but I’m so worried about him; I just don’t know how to get him to let me in. I haven’t really tried—I’m afraid to force it, I suppose. And I’m afraid it’s something I did—or maybe didn’t do, who knows.