the best intentions

Who: Janey and Kess
Where: St. Peter’s Cathedral grounds
When: Early afternoon, in the middle of the tea party.

Janey had lost track of Danny since Mrs. Schmidt had interrupted their “moment”, and she’d been kept quite busy since, so she hoped he was holding his own. After serving tea for the first hour and a half, while of course conversing with the parishioners as she did so, Janey finally had a chance to get off her feet for a bit and enjoy a cup of tea herself. She scanned the crowd for Danny, but didn’t see him, so she started wandering through the crowd, looking for a place to sit and preferably a familiar face of someone other than the ladies’ group.

Kess had always felt a little out of place at these things, though she didn’t look it. That was all internal, she knew, and a lot of it had stemmed from some left over guilt at working at Babylon - especially after sitting through mass. The church was good for bringing out that guilt in you, even if she didn’t do the job any more. It was just another reminder that her life was far less than perfect. And now, apparently, she was being even more masochistic, because she knew they were here. Eugene, Arden, she knew they’d be here - which was one of the reasons she’d kept coming to mass every Sunday, and one of the reasons she stayed at these events. She never went over, of course - she wouldn’t give that bastard the chance to humiliate her in public, turn her daughter even more against her by twisting in the knife about how no good mother would ever ‘abandon’ her child. He’d so enjoyed spreading that one around, and Kess had always felt powerless to counter the rumours. But, if she could even get a glimpse of her little girl, it would be something.

Which was why she was sat on a chair, at a table by herself, sipping a cup of the tea that had been provided and people watching. She caught sight of Janey and smiled, lifting a hand in greeting.

Janey was relieved to catch sight of Kess, waving in her direction. She’d served her earlier, and given a quick hello, but hadn’t had time to say much else. She was glad to see her there though; it had been a few weeks since their last conversation, during which Kess had seemed a little down. Janey hoped she was in better circumstances, since she remembered last time something about looking for a job. She worked her way through the crowd to the table where Kess was. “Mind if I have a seat?”

“Not at all, feel free,” Kess said, glad of the company and shifting more towards the free chair at her table, so that she’d be faced in the right direction. “How are you?” she asked.

Janey smiled brightly; the light, fresh feeling that had carried her through the morning hadn’t vanished, despite the frenzy of the tea party so far. “I’m doing quite well today actually, and yourself?” she asked.

Kess considered that. How was she? Distracted today, maybe, but that wasn’t actually how she was generally, not in the way which Janey meant. “I’m good - things are looking up. I found a new job since we talked last,” she said with a smile, glancing round a little, habitually checking for any sign of Arden.

“I’m so glad to hear that,” Janey said, genuinely pleased. Though she didn’t know Kess well, she seemed to be a kind, good person at heart, and in Janey’s eyes she deserved a comfortable, happy life. Unlike some of the other women around, who had it, the comfortable part anyways, and did nothing to share it or make others happy. “Where are you working?”

“At the moment, over at the Drake on the front desk,” Kess said. It felt nice to actually be able to talk about her job. In the days she’d worked at Babylon, she hadn’t been able to - not round the church. Though Eugene had let it slip to enough of the congregation to ensure that people heard rumours about her in any event. The probable whore, or at least fallen woman who abandoned her only child.

“Good for you,” Janey replied. She wondered if Kess’s daugther was at the tea party, recalling their conversation at the last church supper. She hadn’t mentioned to Arden that she knew her mother, and she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to bring the girl up to Kess, but maybe she could find out if there was anything she could do to make the situation better. “I met your daughter at the church dinner a few weeks ago,” she said casually.

Kess hesitated when Arden was brought up. She knew something of Janey’s history. And she was aware that the other woman didn’t have any children, though she wanted them. Women like that tended to react badly to the fact that Kess had left her daughter behind. “Really?” she asked, trying to sound casual about it, but preparing herself for what she considered the inevitable onslaught of ‘how could you?’

“Yes, she’s quite the little spitfire,” Janey said, smiling. The last Janey had heard, Kess’ ex-husband was making it nearly impossible for her to have any contact with the child. She’d heard rumors that Kess had left, abandoned them, and that was why, but she suspected if someone like Kess just up-and-left her family, there was a damn good reason behind it.

Kess nodded, both wanting to hear about her daughter and loathing having someone else tell her about it second hand. Maybe this was a new kind of torture, rather than coming at her directly with ‘you’re a bad mother’ she was just going to flaunt how she knew her daughter better than she did. Kess took a sip of her tea and felt her smile turn a little waxy. “Right.”

Janey could see Kess hardening, just a slight tensing of her face, and knew she’d said the wrong thing. “I’m sorry,” she said, immediately. She couldn’t stand to see people hurting, but especially not knowing she was the cause of the pain.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Kess told her, though her smile didn’t change. “How’s your husband?” she asked, deciding that she was more comfortable with a subject change than carrying on talking about Arden. It felt safer.

“He’s getting better, healing up okay.” Janey said. She barely paused before rambling on, she just couldn’t let the woman think she’d been intentionally bringing up a sore subject. “I really am sorry--I know I don’t know the situation but it must be very painful for you and I shouldn’t have brought it up; I just wish I could help.”

“Why?” Kess asked, after a moment or two. “Why do you wish you could help? I would have thought that someone like you would be the last person who would actually want to help,” she said, keeping her tone low, but meaning it.

Kess’s response came like a blow to the chest, literally rendering Janey breathless with shock. What had she done to make Kess think that she would want her to hurt? Janey couldn’t stand to see anyone hurting, but especially a mother. Although she knew their situations were drastically different, she could imagine the ache of “losing” a child the way Kess had. “What do you mean?” Janey managed to ask.

“Because I gave up what you could never have,” Kess told her. She’d never told anyone what Eugene had done to her behind closed doors, and he’d always been careful to only hit her where it wouldn’t show. She knew that it painted her in a bad light, but really, with someone like Eugene - well, he was good at playing to the crowd, much better than she’d ever been. And Kess wouldn’t hurt Arden by dragging her beloved father through the mud. She wouldn't do that to her daughter. But, she couldn’t understand why someone like Janey would take her side on this, what possible reason she would have for ignoring everything she must have heard. Or, if not ignoring it, not allowing it to taint her opinion of Kess.

“Yes,” Janey said after a pause, “you did. But I can’t imagine what a difficult decision that must’ve been to make, so I can only believe that you did it because it was the right thing, not for you, but for her. In some way.” Anyone who knew Janey well knew that she would always see the good in others, and believe it to be true unless and until she was given evidence of the contrary. And with Kess? She didn’t know the story, so she could only assume that the woman had reasons for what she’d done and the decisions she’d made in her life, and her child’s.

Kess took a breath and bit her tongue. Was this the kind of person she’d turned into? Was she really this cynical that she couldn’t see that there might be a well of good, even in someone at church? Had she really had that much from some of the bitter harpies that passed for some of the church gossips? “Sorry - I shouldn’t judge,” she said, quietly. If Janey didn’t, then she shouldn’t either.

Janey shrugged, unsure of what to say. “It’s okay” would sound too condescending, like speaking to a child and granting her forgiveness. “You just don’t seem like the type of person all the gossips seem to want to say you are--a bad mother, and all that.”

You don’t know me, Kess thought to herself. Not really - she and Janey talked, but they didn’t really know each other that well. At least, Kess didn’t think so. “That’s very kind of you to say,” she said, instead, keeping her thoughts to herself.

There was an awkward pause, and Janey decided it was time to let the subject drop. “The sun certainly came out of nowhere, didn’t it?” she said, settling on a generically safe topic of conversation.

“It certainly did - it makes a nice change,” Kess said, finishing off her cup of tea. They were onto talking about the weather, she generally took that as a sign that it was time to move on - especially at a social function like this. They both had better things to do that to trade social niceties.

Janey could tell Kess was ready to be done with their conversation--and she didn’t really blame her. But she’d just settled down with her cup of tea, and wasn’t planning to get up and leave. Not because she was rude, but because she was just plain worn out. She wouldn’t have been offended, however, if Kess had. Janey took a sip, and spluttered on the tea, still hot and quite strong. “Could you pass the cream?” she said to Kess, trying to keep from laughing at herself.

Kess pushed her cup away from herself and passed the jug over to Janey. “I’m sure it won’t last,” she said. Nothing good ever did, in her experience, though one wouldn’t think that from her tone, which betrayed a longing for it even as she voiced her belief that the weather would pass soon enough.

“I suppose not,” Janey said wistfully, glancing upwards at the clear sky. “It’s only January. But it will be back in a few months, to stay.” She poured a bit of cream into her tea and began to stir it slowly, mesmerized by the milky swirls hovering within the teacup.

“Maybe,” Kess agreed, though the city never really seemed to get much of a summer. It had been that way for as long as she could remember. She watched Janey, taking in the way that the other woman seemed more involved with her tea than anything else. “Well,” she said, standing. “I should go and say hello to a few people.”

Kess’ movement jolted Janey from whatever daydream she’d been enjoying, and she felt her cheeks flushing. “Oh, okay,” she said, giving Kess a smile. “Nice talking to you.” She still wasn’t sure if Kess had forgiven her, or if the other woman was wary of Janey’s intentions. She hadn’t been asking questions because she wanted to gossip, but because of genuine concern.

“You too,” Kess told her also uncertain about how things had gone. She never seemed to be able to get anything right. Maybe today it was best to cut her losses and try again another day. “Take care,” she said, before heading off into the crowds.