burned after written

What is the point of love if it makes no difference? What’s the point of telling someone that if it has no real weight, no real bearing on anything. All that means is it amounts to nothing. So I suppose that means I'm back to where I started. If love means nothing, then it doesn't exist, or may as well not. I was happier before, when I didn't have to think about it, when I never dreamed that it would be presented to me at any point, especially not from someone like Brett. And I followed along, I went through things, I checked the definition he's working by. And I felt the same way as he did, therefore that must mean, in his world, that I love him as well.

I never believed in it, but allowed myself to, and it's pointless. Straight out of the gate it was, and I suppose that really means I should have thought of that before I went and said it, before I went and wrote it down. I feel vulnerable with it out there. I want to go find it and burn it like I usually do with anything that resembles a journal, even if I did hand it over. Like this...this'll be ashes as soon as I've finished.

He repeated that he loves me and that he still hasn't made up his mind. It contradicts what I said to him in my letter, but he didn't mention anything else I put down. I feel like I threw my voice out into the void, and I didn't even get an echo. I know it isn't like I deserved anything like I sent his way. He sent me the long letter, and I replied, even if he hadn't asked me to. Maybe that was merely my mistake.

He says to take care and stay off of the streets. Which isn't actually possible for me. Not where I am, and he may have put a key in there for me, but I don't really know why. Or, I suppose I do, I suppose he means it when he says if I need someplace to run, I can go there, but I don't know why I would do that. Not after everything else. It's probably just Brett being Brett, and he's even got the badge again to have 'to protect and serve' as his personal motto.

He said things are going to get rough, and I'm not entirely sure what that means. I listened to the radio, and I know there are some insane things going on, but I don't know if that's what he means or something else. I feel stupid for not knowing. But I can't exactly ask, either. So, I'll just wonder. Maybe nothing'll happen. I don’t know. Everything about my life seems in limbo. Like it’s all stopped, even if I’ve taken the step I need to to get on something resembling a track. Eric is helping, he’s giving me work I can handle. He gave me the bracelet with my address on it. But I still feel like I’m holding my breath. Like I can’t quite breathe.