burned after written (handwritten journal entry)

And I need to watch what fucking connotation I put on things. Whatever, this is going to be burned about two seconds after I write it. Then it can't be held against me at all. No one will ever know it even existed. I keep trying to do things, and keep losing my place. My concentration is absolutely shot, and I can't focus enough around things to actually get anything accomplished. I'd blame the wind, since it's a windy day and I opened up all the windows to let it blow through the loft, but I'd say that it's a sad state of affairs when I'd rather blame something that idiotic, I'd rather put myself down that much to say that I'm so damaged that I can't concentrate around wind than admit the truth.

Which is that I don't know what to do about him. I would have swore when he left that that was it. He was gone, and it was over. I don't even quite know what happened. When he woke up, he was worse than usual, and usually, I can at the very least pick out whatever thin excuse he could have for being a dick. I couldn't, this morning. I'm aware that I drive him crazy a lot of the time, like he does the same to me, but usually I at least have done something that would trigger the behavior. I didn't, then.

And let's hit up the main reason I can't stop spinning my wheels, shall we? He went to leave, and I heard a noise. I'd walked away already, going to take a bath, but then there was that sound. What went through my mind was that this was it. They'd found me. What did I do? Not run for the window. Not grab the gun and empty it into the door to take down whoever was out there. NO. I grabbed the gun and went to check on him. I was idiot enough to be concerned about him. That was my reaction. Not to go away from the potential bullet to the skull, but to run towards it. To either take out whoever had gotten Tr him, to see if he was even still alive, fill in the blank, it doesn't matter the technicals of why it happened, the problem is that it did at all.

Never in my life would I have expected that, and I still am floored I did it at all. That was the wrong reaction there, and I have no idea what to do about it. About him, considering he's the source. I'm not that girl. I've never been that girl. Only now it looks like I am, and I don't know how to deal with it.

He left me a note. I don't know why, considering most of the time he just breaks into the place. But he left it, and it detailed my morning medication. I have no fucking clue what to think about that. I wrote 'morning' no the top of it, and taped it to the drawer that I put all my meds in, since the note said to put them in the drawer when I was finished. Maybe it'll help. I'm not sure. But since it was all written out for me, I thought it would be easiest if I kept it, and just read it when I woke up. If I remember to. I wrote 'morning' in red, so it'd be more noticeable. Maybe this is his way of letting himself off the hook. He didn't want to see me, so he left me a note, and I kept it. So, maybe that's just case closed for him now. not that it takes care of the night meds