Clearing The Air

Who: Jessie and Jesse
When: Jan. 24, very early morning
Where: The James' apartment

Jessie couldn't sleep. She hadn't gotten a wink of sleep at all. She hadn't spoken to her father since she was sent to her room earlier and even though she was tucked safely into her bed, a sleeping kitten curled up beside her, Jessie felt far from comforted. She didn't know what time it was, just that it was way too early and she had school later that day. She had a distinct feeling that she wasn't going to be getting any sleep before school. It was a good thing she didn't have a test or anything that required real focus because Jessie was sure she'd be lacking it.

She tossed and turned in her bed, changing position from her right side to her left to her back to her stomach until finally she realized that it was just pointless to stay in bed. She had to fix this. Or at least do her best to try. Her father might be asleep by now, she didn't know, but at the very least he could use some water. So she pushed back the covers and walked carefully, quietly, toward the kitchen. Her attempts to be quiet were foiled. The floor creaked, the cabinets closed too loudly, the pipes in their apartment groaned when she turned the water on. It was like everything in the world was determined to make this secret water quest as non-secretive as possible.

Standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, Jesse stared at the back of the couch for a long moment. She hated this feeling, this queasy, sickening feeling she always had whenever there was an altercation between her and her father. She knew the only way to get rid of it was for the two of them to sit down and hash it out, but that nauseous feeling didn't help as motivation for her to cross the floor those few steps to the front of the couch. Still, someone had to make the first move so it might as well be her. Exhaling, Jessie walked quickly to the front of the couch, placed the glass of water down on the floor near Jesse, hoped it wasn't close enough for her father to knock it over accidentally, and sat cross-legged on the floor infront of him, staying silent.

Jesse wasn't asleep. He hadn't even put any real effort in, truthfully. He'd just been lying there. He'd taken a shower, drank a little cold coffee, and then just...laid on the couch. He heard her when she was walking around, too. He just hadn't really expected her to come out into the living room. "What're you doing up?" he asked, voice quiet. He was aware she had school tomorrow--another reason he'd wanted her to go to her grandparent's house. They'd have got her off to school just fine, and there wouldn't be any bullshit to deal with. And yet, here they were.

Of all the things he needed right now, more complications wasn't it. Especially not with his daughter. It was usually the one point in his life that didn't ever waver, that was solid. He felt like that was shaken now. Like he noticed lately, she seemed to be spending a lot of time with Lily. And sure, he'd started it, with the whole letting her go to the theater with Lily and everything, but he was left wondering now if maybe Jessie was looking for a mother figure. She'd never ever seemed to need one before. He'd always considered his daughter not having mommy issues, even if he was aware she'd picked up some issues due to her mother. But he didn't think she was like that, that she felt like she was missing that in her life. She had four aunts, a grandmother, all that, to sort of stand in for the role, and they'd always stepped up to the plate. Or, well, not Evie so much lately. Like when she'd lied and said she was 'sick' and she'd stood Jessie up for taking her out to the theater. He didn't know, now. Was he being replaced? He didn't know. All he did know was the whole thing just made that hollow feeling he had in his chest lately get all the wider.

"You think I could sleep?" Jessie knew the two of them were too alike for their own good sometimes. She was pretty sure that her dad knew she hadn't really intended on getting any sleep. She'd gave a futile attempt, already knowing that it was doomed from the start. There'd be no rest for her until things were sorted with her dad.

She took a long breath in then exhaled, glancing back at him again once she had. "I'm sorry I didn't go to Grandma and Grandpa's house." She figured she'd start this off slowly, an apology first before she validated her reasoning for staying here. She wasn't sure if it would help, but maybe if her dad knew that she didn't like disobeying him. "I just...I needed to know that you were coming back safe. You've been so weird lately." It wasn't hard for Jessie to see that something was bothering her father, and it was even easier for her to see that he didn't feel comfortable telling her what was bothering him. And that worried her. The fact that he wasn't telling her meant about one thing to Jessie: that her dad was starting up with whatever business it was that had previously brought him home shot and bleeding to her. And that note had just set the whole thing off. If he was getting back into that stuff he had been doing before, and he was not telling her where he was that night? It meant that she sure as hell thought he could be coming back injured again. So she stayed there to make sure he was coming back safe, or to see if he was coming back at all.

He didn't say anything for a minute, before he sat up, dragging a hand through his hair. "If I ask you to do something, it's for a reason." he told her. "I wouldn't ask you not to be here if I didn't have one. I'm sorry for being 'weird' lately, I've just had a hell of a lot on my mind. Pretty much none of it is good. Tonight, I needed to take a little time for myself. I needed to think, I needed to blow off some steam, and the last thing I want is you to see me when I'm this bad off. I don't want you to have to deal with me if I've had a few, and while I didn't actually plan on going out drinking, I knew it was possible. But I don't need your permission for that. And I don't need to explain myself to you like you're my mother. I know you worry, Baby J. And I know you like knowing where I'm at. And most of the time, I tell you. But sometimes...adults need a little privacy, and time to do stupid things like this. You know I don't take it often."

Jessie glanced down at her hands, mouth set in a line. She knew he didn't need her permission for this type of stuff, but still...she didn't like that he did this stuff at all. That whole 'sometimes adults do this just because' argument didn't sit well with her, especially after Veronica, who couldn't ever give her a real reason as to why she did 'that stuff'. But she knew her father was different, she knew he wasn't going to turn into Veronica even if one of her first initial thoughts was of that happening. When she did look up again, her eyes didn't have the same lightness that she usually had when around her father. They were worried, just as worried as they had been earlier, and tired. "Why don't you tell me what's bothering you? If you tell me, I'll know and then you can talk to me about it? And then I will know what's wrong and not instantly think that you're back out there, doing stuff that gets you hurt again..."

Again, Jesse was quiet for a moment. "You know, you asked me to stop, and I have. The fact that you 'instantly' jump to that conclusion doesn't say a whole lot of good things." he said, being honest. Actually, it made him feel like shit, all things told. "You know I said earlier that you stopped trusting me? That right there proves you don't." And he didn't like it one bit. He stood up, and walked away into the living room, just needing a little bit of space. It was kind of the worst thing in the world, really. For him, anyways. Things had always been so solid between them. Now...it looked like everything was falling apart, and he didn't even know why.

"What? Dad!" Jessie sighed, closing her eyes as he walked away. She tried to give him the space he needed, especially after that being the whole reason they were in this fight in the first place, but it was hard. She felt sick and she wanted this fixed. She didn't like this...so she followed him into the living room, frowning. "I do trust you! But if I came home shot, wouldn't you worry about that happening again even if I said it wasn't going to? I can't stop worrying about you. You're my dad and I love you...and that means I have to worry about you, it's my job."

"I love you too." he told her first, turning back around to look at her. "But you just said it. You instantly jumped to that conclusion. Which means you don't trust me. YOu don't trust that I'm not going to get into things again. Or you don't trust that I can have a night and not do something bad. There's very little other way to look at it. I've left you notes before, you've spent nights at your grandparent's before, but I have one night where I just don't say exactly where I'm going to be, and you assume I'm doing something wrong." Tonight he wasn't, even. And this was especially jarring for him because it was difficult for him to keep on the straight and narrow. Incredibly so, sometimes. But still...he'd managed. So to face his daughter's blatant mistrust was hard for him in a lot of ways.

"I don't know what to think because you aren't telling me anything. I know something's bugging you, I can see it, and I wish you would just talk to me about it. I'd be less worried and you'd have someone to talk to. Why isn't that a win-win situation for us?" She wanted to trust him and at this point, she wasn't so sure it was him she didn't trust, but the situations he found himself in...or just the other people in this city. He was the most important person to her and it was hard for her to know that he was out on the same streets, whether he was doing what he had been or not, where he'd been hurt.

"Yes, something's bothering me. Lots of things are bothering me. And you know, I'd love to talk to you about them, but there are some things that you don't talk to your fifteen year old daughter about." Jesse told her. Most of the time he did confide in her about things. He did a hell of a lot more talking to her than he knew most parents did. But she was his moral compass sometimes, too. Or, his failsafe. When he flat out didn't know what to do anymore, he asked her, and just did whatever she said. He leaned against the wall, exhaling. "Jessie, there's just...things going on lately that suck. People do, sometimes life does, situations are stupid, and people you care about sometimes let you down, and it really really hurts when it happens." he told her, voice quiet. "...I'd rather you didn't really have to learn that particular lesson this soon. I know you've already got some experience with it to start with, and I wish you didn't have that, either." What with Ronnie, and everything.

"Ok, maybe you don't want to talk to me about it and I guess, if that's really what you want to do, I'll back off. But I just...I don't like seeing my dad so stressed out. You're carrying around a big bunch of bad feelings and I just want to help." She figured now was not the time for a 'I'm fifteen, not five' talk, so she let that slip. "And I figure, if I know even a little bit about why you're stressing, I can help, but I can't if you don't want me to or you won't tell me anything. But I promise all you have to say is 'No' and I'll shut up about it and not mention it again. I just want you to know that all I want to do is help."

"It's not a matter of not wanting to talk to you." Jesse said, feeling that was a very important point. Because it wasn't. In fact, it was probably lingering for so long because he couldn't bounce things off of her for it. But he couldn't justify it. He couldn't tell Jessie about it, because it had to do with her aunt. He wasn't even starting something that might wind up with Jessie feeling just as betrayed by Evie as he did. It was a terrible feeling. He didn't want to take that away from his daughter. Even if Evie'd already hurt her feelings by standing her up on their theater outing, even if he'd covered for Evie on that and not told Jessie that he knew she hadn't been 'sick'. It was still a matter of family, and no matter how often it came up in his mind, he couldn't bring himself to go there. To tell her what was going on with Evelyn, and have her feel as awful as he did. It wouldn't be fair. he couldn't do that to her. It just really sucked that it was a double edged sword, because it meant Jessie didn't know what was wrong, and apparently, that was factoring into how much she trusted him.

"Then I won't ask you about it anymore and you can tell me or not tell me whenever you want." She said, looking from him down at her hands again. Now she just had to focus on the stabbing in her chest that came from knowing her dad thought she didn't trust him. To her, there was no one else she trusted more, but it was a lot for her to handle, having to worry whether or not he was going to be ok. And that didn't always have to do with what he was doing on the streets. A part of her thought that if he had said that he needed to go drinking, she would have gone to her grandparents' house no problem. She would have been confused and wonder why he needed to go out drinking, but she wouldn't have been here. But then again, what was the point of dwelling in the past? She'd not gone to their house and now it was biting her in the ass. So when she looked up at him again, it was all she could do not to latch onto him with a hug. "...I'm sorry I disappointed you." Because, really, that was one of the worst things she could have ever felt from her dad. That he was disappointed in her, and damn did she have that feeling now.

He walked over to give her a hug, a tight one. "It's okay, Baby J." he said, dropping a kiss on the top of her head while he was at it. "Just...next time trust that your old man has his reasons, and if there's anything that you really need to know, I'll tell you. I promise. And I'm sorry I can't tell you what's going on now. I wish I could, but..." he sighed. "Well. I feel like hell. I don't want you to have to feel like that too." And she would. He knew she would. Hell, he'd been mad enough to throw Evie out of the house the other day, he had no idea how Jessie'd take it. Besides 'badly'. Adn there was no reason for her not to react poorly to something like that. How did you deal with a family member running off the deep end, betraying and lying to the whole family? Especially one as tight knit as the James'. It was kind of the worst thing you could pull in their family.

For the first time since this unfortunate situation had broken out, Jessie relaxed. She relaxed into the hug her father was giving her and wrapped her arms around him too, just as tightly as his were around her. And there, inside that hug, she realized that even if she was relaxed, she wouldn't be completely until everything she had to tell him was out in the open. She didn't want to be like that person that was bothering him, whoever it was. She didn't want him to think that she was keeping things from him or that she wanted to keep things from him because that was the very last thing she wanted to do. "...I have something I gotta say and it might piss you off and if it does, I'm really sorry. I know it's not a real excuse but it sort of just blurted out of my mouth and I get it if you're going to be mad. I just...I'm really sorry that it happened at all and...I accidentally told Lily you'd been shot. She said she wasn't going to say anything to you but I needed to tell you because I didn't want to tell her, it just happened, and I'm sorry and I won't tell anyone ever again, I swear." She felt like she'd been running on one long stream of breath through the whole confession and even now she couldn't look up at him, she just kept her arms around him and her face pressed into his chest, eyes shut tight, in the hopes that she wouldn't have to see what she was certain would be more disappointment on his face.

Jesse listened to her rambling, and he froze a little when she got to the point. "Shit." he cursed under his breath. But it was less angry, and more just 'well this ain't good' in tone. He drew in a breath, let it out, then started to lead her back over to the couch so they could sit down. "That's...not good." he told her. Though really, he still didn't sound like he was angry with her, or anything, it had a different direction. "Lily...part of the whole reason I'm upset in the first place about things is because she couldn't keep her mouth shut about something else." he said, dragging a hand through his hair again. "...shit."

"I know it's not good...I didn't mean to, it just happened." She hated that that was her excuse. She wanted something more, something like 'I had to say it because it was a life or death situation and there was no other way out of it' sort of thing, but she knew she could have kept her mouth shut had she just had a little more control over herself earlier that day. Maybe she was actually starting to p.m.s, or whatever those girls at her school called it, but even then...would that be enough of a reason to blurt that out? She slowly pried her face away from his chest, but kept herself within his embrace, and looked up at him when he spoke about Lily. "Really?" Well, that certainly didn't help her feel any better. Was Lily going to go telling her dad's secret around town even though she promised she wasn't going to? "...Do you think she'd really tell someone what I said, even though she promised not to? I mean, whatever she told before...is it the same kind of secret as this one?"

Jesse encouraged JJ to sit down, and he did as well, dropping onto the couch as he considered her question. "I don't know. I know she was sworn to secracy, and she told me because..." he shrugged. "Because she thought I needed to know, maybe? But it was still a secret. I personally appreciate that I was told, but by the same token, it really did prove that she couldn't be trusted, y'know?" he asked, looking at her. "So, what if she decides someone needs to know about what happened to me?" He shook his head. "That woman...sometimes I really just don't think she lives in the same world as the rest of us. I know you really like her and everything, but dealing with her sometimes is a lot like dealing with a girl your age. Like she never got over being fifteen or something. I don't know. I just know she told me a secret, for what she probably thought were the right reasons, but still. It means her word isn't much good, if she decides telling is the way to go."

Leaning against Jesse, she suddenly wondered why she thought he was going to be upset with her at all. He was being very stoic, very calm and reasonable about what she'd done, and she didn't really know why she hadn't thought he was going to be that way to begin with. So with her head resting against his shoulder, she sighed and contemplated what she thought Lily might do. She did really like Lily and maybe part of it was because she thought her dad and Lily might be a cute couple, but after spending some time with Lily, she found that she did just like being able to spend some time with someone outside of the James family. And it wasn't like she didn't have friends at school, but it was kind of nice to know that she could have a friend Lily's age that didn't necessarily have to be in her family in order to want to spend time with her. But all thoughts about how much she did like hanging out with Lily aside, Jessie had to consider the fact that Lily might actually tell someone her dad's secret. And it would be her fault, because she shouldn't have said anything about it in the first place. "Maybe that was a one time thing?" She asked, as if hoping that he could accept that like it would be a one-time thing for her to blurt out about him being shot. "Maybe...I should talk to her again?" Jessie did want to believe Lily, she'd sounded really sincere when she promised she wasn't going to tell anyone, but now she didn't know what to think. Didn't everyone deserve a second chance? But she didn't like that that second chance had to deal with her dad's secret.

"I don't know." Jesse said honestly. "I do know that she told me a secret she was really meant to keep, and while I didn't give up my sources on things, it still wasn't necessarily right. I know that sometimes Lily doesn't make much sense to me. And that sometimes I don't figure I'm her favorite person in the world." Which didn't make him feel any better, but he was himself. There wasn't any real changing that. He was very much a 'what you get is what you see' type of man, and he wasn't about to go changing now. He didn't think he could. And he wouldn't, just on principal. "I think if you talked to her, it would just come back to why you were bringing it up again, which would put you in a shitty position of trying to not tell her that you know she's untrustworthy. Because I'd really rather you didn't tell her you know. That...just seems like it would get really messy really fast."

Jessie felt a little lost. She did like Lily and she liked to consider Lily her friend, so she wanted to believe that she wouldn't tell anyone. She wondered if this was how her dad felt, if only on a lesser scale. He knew something that maybe he didn't want to know and it kind of messed everything up. "I won't say anything to her." Deciding that she was going to give Lily the benefit of the doubt and hope, hope, hope that she wasn't going to say anything about her dad's secret. Because if she did, she knew that that was an unforgivable line to cross with her. But if she could get her dad to not be angry with her when she'd told the secret, then Lily deserved at least a chance to not tell the secret she wasn't meant to know in the first place. Turning a little, she looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry...You're already really stressed out and I figure the last thing you need is for this to be on your plate too but...I had to tell you."

"I'd rather know." Jesse told her. Yes, it rather sucked that that was now weighing in on things, but he was being honest. He would rather know than just have that bomb drop at some point. And, he realized, he did actually assume that it would. He drew in a deep breath and let it out, giving her a little nudge, though it wasn't to make her move or anything. "So, I'm glad you told me." he said. Then there was a long pause. "...can I ask you something?" he asked.

She'd been on her way to feeling relieved again, knowing that he knew about what she'd done, that he wasn't angry with her for what she'd done, and that they seemed to have successfully gotten back to where she wanted to be. Where she'd never intended to stray away from in the first place. But then his question popped up and she was feeling anxious again. Was he about to tell her something akin to her confession? "Sure, anything." She said, eyes a little wider than she wanted them to be as she waited.

"Why are you suddenly hanging out with Lily so much?" he asked. "Honestly...you should be spending time with kids your own age, and she should be spending time with adults hers. I know you think of her as a friend and everything, but..." he trailed off, not wanting to put too fine a point on it by saying 'it's a little weird'. Even if he thought it was. Taking her out to the theater and all was one thing, but now they were off buying kittens together, and baking pies, and it was seeming to him to be turning into something that was taking up a whole lot more time than before. And while he knew Jessie was mature for her age, hanging out with people twice hers or more was concerning him. She needed to be a teenager while she was one.

"I like Lily." She shrugged nonchalantly, watching him intently. "Can't I just like hanging out with Lily? I mean, I do hang out with friends my age. Maybe it hasn't been all that recently but..I don't know, it's been raining and she just moved in to a new place after she'd been with her grandma forever. Thought I'd offer to help her unpack. Do you not want me to hang out with her anymore?" She didn't exactly think that was fair. Lily had given up her time and had given her quite a bit of hand-me-down clothes, which wasn't the reason she wanted to hang out with Lily, but Jessie figured it was more than rude to get these gifts and not spend time with the one giving them to her.

"I know you do." Jesse said. "But she's twice your age. And you seem to be kind of...treating her like a peer. Like she's just one of your buddies, that you're going to go hang out with, but she's not. She's a grown woman, my age. And that's...a little strange, especially since she's not family." If it was one of her aunts, he'd be better with it, but in this case, it was odd. Plus, he considered Lily to be a bit immature and a headcase, and he didn't really want her projecting that onto his daughter. "On the flip side, yes, Lily's just moved, and had been living with her grandmother for a long time, but she needs to spend time with people her age too. To make friends her age, and kind of...get into the world where she's supposed to be at, instead of stuck at fifteen. I guess I don't really want you getting stuck either, or growing up too fast, either way."

Jessie listened, nodding a little. She could understand where he was coming from, but she had to say that she didn't really think of Lily's age as a barrier. She spent a lot of time with her aunts, and yes that was considered family and more acceptable, she just didn't see why she couldn't hang out with Lily too. "I don't really want to stop spending time with her. She's fun to be around, but I'm not going to let myself get stuck anywhere." She was almost afraid to ask if he really did want her to stop, because if he said yes, she couldn't really keep seeing Lily behind his back, not when that was a big part of what their fight had been about. "Or let myself grow up too fast. But I'll spend more time with people my own age. I don't want to stop hanging out with my friends and hang out with Lily in that time instead, I just would like to still be able to see Lily sometimes. I never wanted to stop hanging out with my own friends."

"I just know lately you've been seeing an awful lot of her." Jesse said. "I'm not telling you you're not allowed, just...maybe tone it down a little. Seems like every day you're heading over to see her." And he still had to wonder if it was because he was being replaced. He just couldn't ask that. Not really. Add on top of that all the normal issues that would come from the arrangement, and he was left feeling uncomfortable at best. Especially after tonight, though he wasn't putting that into things either. He just hoped that Jessie didn't start isolating herself, just hanging out with Lily, and she went back to hanging with her own friends. Spending some time with Lily was okay, but tons of time he was less alright with. But still, until it got really bad, he wouldn't tell her no. He was pretty terrible at telling her no.

"I'm going to see a lot of my friends tomorrow at school...Or, well, later today at school." She assured him, leaving out that she'd only really been hanging out with Lily for the weekend. "And Lily has a job, so it's not like we'll spend every waking moment together. I was going to see if Denise wanted to get together and study for a test we have coming up anyway." Hoping that for now, maybe the air was finally clear. Really, really clear. So she continued to sit there, still not tired enough to try and drift to sleep. "Hang on..." There was one thing only that Jessie felt could really help the air be as clean as possible around them. She carefully disentangled herself from him and headed to a small endtable near the couch. After a few moments of scouring the small collection of ugly figurines, Jessie grabbed one of the larger ceramic ones and brought it back to the couch holding it out to hm. The doll itself was one of her favorites, with an abnormally large nose and a nearly ridiculous overbite, clothed in patchwork clothing. She stayed silent, even with a small grin on her face at the sheer unattractiveness that the figurine had. "Figured we could use one of those right about now."

Jesse chuckled faintly, reaching out to take it. "We should find new ones soon." he said. Add to their collection of ugly figurines. They had quite a few, placed kind of randomly in the apartment. He wasn't overly taken with decoration or the like, but that had started years ago. So once in a while they went out, and tried to find the ugliest figurine they could, and whoever got the ugliest one won, and they bought it. He remembered this one. She'd been about twelve when they'd found it. He looked back up at her for a moment. "I love you, Baby J." he told her. "I know I'm not perfect, and there's kind of a lot to be desired sometimes in the way of life, here, but I only want what's best for you. Always will."

"We should find new ones soon," She agreed. Some of her fondest memories had been made on outings like that with her father. There, sitting beside her father, Jessie felt right again. She felt like they'd both gotten what they needed to out in the open, despite him still not telling her what he'd been burdened with. But now, she understood a little more as to why he wouldn't tell her. And she knew that all he wanted for her was the best. She glanced back up at him, eyes locking onto his. "I love you too, Dad. And I've got everything I want right here." She loved their life. Sure, the apartment wasn't a place like the Drake or anything, but that didn't matter. She had what mattered, she had her father and her family and her friends, so what more did she need? She scooted up a bit, pressing a kiss to his cheek, before settling down beside him again. "As long as you're here, I have everything I need."