A Conversation Long Overdue

Who: Dodge and Maddy
Where: Dodge's room
When: early, early morning

Dodge felt terrible. He hadn't slept for more than just a blink or two and what little sleep he did get was sitting up. His body ached, his head was throbbing, he was hungry and cold and tired and in an all around abysmal mood. What Maddy said before was still weighing down on him as well as Max's idle threats. He was nervous and his paranoia was on high alert. When dawn came it didn't, there was just a shift in the unending storms that weren't making much for his mood. Eventually he'd managed to slip from Maddy's grasp, moving to sit by the cracked window smoking a cigarette left in a case he'd lifted off a lady the day before.

As soon as Dodge moved, Maddy was awake, but she didn't make a sound but nestled against the warm spot he'd left on the bed. It was cold in the apartment and Maddy pressed her face against the mattress, willing herself to open her eyes. Her eyes were sticky and scratchy from all the tears and her head was congested. So she lay there, smelling the tobacco as he smoked and she finally turned her head to look over at him. He was crouched there by the window and it was cold, the wind and the rain beating against the walls and slowly, Maddy got up and came over to him with the blanket and put it around his shoulders like he did for her. She didn't say anything, just stood there beside him watching the rain on the window. The ridiculous thought of 'curtains would be a good idea' went through her mind to keep out the cold.

Dodge heard her get up, his senses more in tune than usual to what was going on around him than usual. He didn't look up though, not until the blanket dropped around his shoulders. For a long moment he stared at her, not sure what to say, or how to even address what had happened. "Figures it's fucking miserable about there right?" It was pointless, just words to fill the silence, but it was something. Not wanting to say anything else he took a long drag on the cigarette, blowing the smoke out in a slow stream.

"Yeah," was her equally eloquent response and she watched the smoke drift from his lips instead of meeting his eyes. After a moment she moved away and leaned against the wall on the other side of the window. She couldn't stand beside him without wanting to just drape herself over him or beg for a hug. "Would be worse if it were snowing though. At least it's warm enough for rain."

"Would it be?" Dodge asked as he watched the water drip into the crack in the window. "When it rains everything's wet. At least the snow stays where it belongs. The rain gets in everything. It gets under your skin." He hated that damp feeling that everything had. "Snow's different. All it ever does is rain," he said as he tucked the cigarette in his lips, rubbing his hands together. "How'd you sleep?"

"Yeah but with snow it's freezing cold and you get frostbite. Icebox. There's ice to slip on." She'd slipped before on icy rails, crashing to the ground and making her head spin for days. Mady watched him rub his hands together and she automatically reached for them. Her own weren't much warmer, but they were certainly warmer than his. "Peaceful," she said after a moment. "Safe." She didn't meet his eyes when she spoke, she just went about rubbing his hands.

Dodge let her rub her hands for a few seconds before he pulled them away, taking another drag on the cigarette, while he tucked his other hand under his arm. He knew she wouldn't take it well, but he couldn't do that right right. Doing that was what got him in trouble in the first place. "Good," he said, not bothering to meet her eyes either. He hadn't felt safe, but at least she had.

If it bothered her, it didn't show on her face as she pulled her own hands back and tucked them in her sleeves. "When did you start smoking?" she asked and reached down to toy with one of the cigarettes in the nice little case that he obviously stole.

"There wasn't ever a start," Dodge said with a shrug. "Roach used to all the time. I bummed them off him every so often. Or stole them from him. I picked that up yesterday," he said nodding to the case in her hands. "It was still half full. Figure there's no use in letting them go to waste." And he'd needed something to do with his hands when he got out of bed. Something that wasn't touching Maddy.

"Oh." She thought about asking to bum one but she already had enough problems with her breathing that she decided it probably wasn't the best idea. "Did you sleep alright?" She'd slept deep and dreamless and didn't move at all during the night so she couldn't figure out how well he slept in turn. "I have extra blankets at the theater if you want me to bring them over. Pillows too."

"Yeah," he lied, though in the dim light it was hard to tell the dark circles under his eyes from the normal gaunt look he had from not eating enough. "Extra blankets would be good. If you don't need them. I had to leave a lot behind when I left. I grabbed some stuff, but not like I had." Plus his old place had something that vaguely resembled heat. And enough bodies in one place to keep it warm.

"I can put stuff around the cracks in the window and I can put up some stuff that will keep the cold out if you want," she offered softly, finally looking up at him. Between brief flashes of lightening his face look haunted, exaggerating the shadows of his face but he looked somber. "I could decorate. There's plenty of things in the attic we can use." She looked at him hopefully. Her fingers were already itching to clean up the apartment and decorate it and make it home for him.

Dodge shook his head. "No, it doesn't need that." It didn't feel like his home yet and unlike others it wouldn't take decorating to make it feel like home. He'd lived in the same space for years, just short of seven, which was longer than most street kids lived anywhere. He wasn't used to this place yet and that was what it would take to feel like he belonged here. To not walk down his old street in the evening before realizing too late that he was headed the wrong way. "Thanks though," he added.

She shrugged and kept fiddling with the cigarette case. "I can't keep my business to myself. I like to help," she said, but he knew that already. It wasn't brand new information. "You didn't really sleep that well, did you?" Maddy's eyes ticked up at him with a soft, sad expression. He wouldn't be sitting by the cold window if he did.

"I know you do. The blankets will help," he said giving her something to hold on to. It would help, he just wasn't ready for the rest. "Not great no," he admitted, taking another drag on the cigarette. "I'm fine." The reassurance was out before she could ask otherwise.

Maddy nodded but she didn't believe him. There was a time when she could, but now he just seemed so different that she couldn't. "Thank you for last night." She knew she should say more but at the moment, that's all she could bring herself to say. She knew she was in a bad place the night before, that Dodge had never seen her in such a way and it had been asking a lot of him. "I... thanks." She wasn't meeting his eyes just kind of staring at his shoulder instead of his face.

He stared out the window for a moment, not looking at her, but thinking. "Maddy, what the hell was that?" Dodge finally said when he turned. His voice wasn't gentle, but not angry at the same time.

"I'm sorry that you had to see me like that. I never wanted you to. I didn't have anywhere else to go." It probably wasn't exactly what he was asking but then, Maddy couldn't always understand why she felt that way, just that sometimes it happened. "It happens sometimes."

"So what is it exactly? You didn't answer my question," he asked again, not softening his tone any. "Because I get that it happens, that you didn't want me to see it, but what is it because I have no fucking idea what just happened."

Maddy frowned at him, not quite understanding what he wasn't understanding. "I wanted to die last night. I was pretty sure on jumping off of the bridge and drowning myself -- I can't swim and that's how the princess girl in Hamlet did it -- but I came to see you instead and now I don't want to kill myself anymore. It doesn't happen a lot, but this is the second time in the last month so I dunno. I guess it's one of those times where bad shit just wants to keep happening." She reached for the matchbook beside the the window and lit one of the cigarettes and taking a careful drag.

Dodge just stared at her. She'd left him speechless. How was he supposed to react to that, how was he supposed to just take whatever she'd just laid out for him like it was nothing. "Why the hell would you want to die? I mean...we all know we're not gonna be around forever, street kids don't really have a life expectancy of anything, why would you suddenly decide that you want to cut what little time you've already got short?" They were survivors. He'd thought that the night before. They were supposed to do nothing but and when the end came they were supposed to go kicking and screaming.

"Because at the time I felt like the world's worst person that had no reason to be around. I was tired of people leaving me. I'm tired of my nightmares and the things that have happened to me and I'm tired of being a trainwreck and I'm tired of hurting everyone I love. I'm tired of people becoming obsessed with me or old guys trying to do things to me and I don't know why they want to but there's guys who do. I don't think I'm the only one out of us who has problems and I know other people have had it worse, but it's what I felt. I could just stop it because sometimes it hurts too much to go on. It's not a sudden thing. I've thought about it before, like the time when I was going to be a whore? That was like, the worst week in a long time." There was more, definitely and it felt interesting to be explaining all this, realizations that she herself hadn't quite been able to voice in the past. Maddy took another drag but coughed a bit on the exhale, getting smoke up her nose. "Roy said he'd never leave me. Well, Jack said that too and who knows where the hell he is so I guess I shouldn't have believed him. He said I should stop looking for him. That was his advice and I took it. I'm such a fool." She laughed a little, bitter and sullen and leaned her forehead against the window because she just couldn't look at Dodge. He was going to think she was insane.

Dodge definitely thought she was insane, the completely off her rocker type of insane. He didn't say anything about it, just reaching over to take the cigarette from her when she started to cough. His own had burned down to nothing which left him flicking it out the open window. "You always have a reason to be around," he said finally, taking a drag off her cigarette and blowing the smoke up to the ceiling. "You're a survivor. Everything you just said, it's something else you've lived through that most wouldn't. Giving in and giving up is just letting them win and I know you well enough to know that you're not the type to let the other guy win. So stop that nonsense, just fucking stop it now." It was a little harsher towards the end, but there was an honest tone to it.

She scowled a little when he took her cigarette but was quiet while he spoke. The first thing that struck her was that it wasn't exactly what she'd expect Dodge to say. "It's hard," she finally whispered. "It wasn't always this hard, Dodge."

"No it wasn't, but it wasn't like it was going to get easier. We were just gonna get older." Dodge shrugged, leaning his shoulder against the wall while he thought. They got taller and older and the demands got different. He'd been naive to think he could live the life he had forever.

"I can't wait to be old. I feel old. I feel like this would be easier if I was old but I get older and I get more confused." Like with you she thought and she scowled to herself (or, as it appeared, scowled at the window). "I have you. You need me right? That's a reason to stay."

"It wasn't going to get easier as we got older, even I knew that and I know nothing," Dodge said. Or he felt like he knew nothing. "You can't make your reason me. That's not gonna work. If you've heard anything anyone has ever said about me, then you know better than to do that. Most of what they said was true. They were wrong about the power I had, but the rest was mostly right," he said with a shrug. He'd begun to believe what he'd heard over and over again.

"You need me though," she countered and swiped the cigarette out of his hand to take a drag off it. "It means maybe I'm not as horrible as Roy said I was. That maybe I can be a good friend -- what the hell are we, anyway?" The thought kind of jumped in there as she considered everything they did. He'd never said she was his girlfriend and she never said her was her boyfriend. Yet things had... there were feelings there, right? He got her that necklace and wrote her that letter and she said she loved him. "We're also alike so I guess that means were both foolish."

"You're right, I do need you, and you aren't a horrible person. Roy was an idiot fuckhead for saying it." Dodge believed that much and nodded when he said it. "But don't make me your reason." At her question he looked away, shrugging a little. "I have no idea. I never have any idea what I'm doing when it comes to you. I just know I keep fucking up."

"Then where's my purpose? What am I doing with myself? I'm not Doll Girl anymore. I don't even know who Maddy is. Which I guess... you're learning that too." He could no longer be Dodge anymore. For what was next, it wasn't an answer she expected. "You didn't fuck everything up and I thought you knew what to do better than I did. I still... I wish that you liked me enough that I could've been the only one but if I don't think about it, it wasn't so bad." She looked back at the window so she didn't have to look him in the face but she held the cigarette out to him.

"You gotta figure that out for yourself. There's something, there has to be." Or he'd have to join her jumping off the bridge. He certainly hadn't figured out what to do with himself yet. He took the cigarette from her when she handed it over, taking another drag to avoid talking right away. "I do like you. I just don't think I like you for the right reasons. Or...like what you said. How I used you. I didn't mean to, but you're right, I didn't think I had to be with just you. So even if I do, I don't trust myself. I don't think I've changed that much yet." He didn't care if she didn't meet his eyes. If she didn't look at him it meant he didn't have to look away from her.

"Is that why you won't touch me?" she asked hesitantly, taking in everything that he said. "I don't expect you to be suddenly different but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to say 'yes' when you said let's not have it be a game. I gotta change too, Dodge. I was the one who said I didn't care about the other girls. I can't exactly blame you for that. I was just so scared of losing you for good that I was doing anything to keep you." God, it hurt like hell to think of what he must've done with Jessie and she shut her eyes tight so she could push the images away.

"Even if you didn't care, I should have known better. It should have been different, but it wasn't." Dodge shook his head, trying to get rid of his own demons. "Maybe it's part of it. I dunno. Everything I did before was wrong and I was just doing what came naturally. So now I'm trying not to do that."

"Not everything that we do naturally is wrong. God, I don't even respect personal space half the time." She didn't. She held hands and draped herself over people. She was oddly affectionate and always had been. "I guess it's just... the extent that we do it?" Had Roy said that to her once? That seemed like a thing Roy might say. Or maybe it was her inner conscience seemed to always sound like Roy, she wasn't sure. "Like flirting isn't bad, but the extent that you do it or the situation that it's done. Or maybe it's just me saying that in my case, I don't mind. It's weird not holding your hand or you touching my hair because we've always been like that."

Dodge wasn't too different. He'd always been a hands on person, but he blamed it on being pickpocket. There was another long pause while he worked on cigarette and considered what she was saying. "So we need boundaries. Or something. Like the lock on the door." The one that kept him from sauntering in and out whenever he wanted.

"You don't break into my apartment and I don't come through your window unless you invite me in." She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked at him from the corner of her eye. "But... that's not just it, right?"

"It can't be just that can it?" Dodge asked, holding that small look of hers for a moment before looking away. "It's what got us into trouble the first time. How I hurt you the first time. I don't want to do that again."

Maddy shrugged with a deep frown but while Dodge looked away, she didn't. She kept looking at him. Observing him. "You hurt me by fooling around with other girls. I mean yes, it wasn't all that cool to have you just barging into my apartment but I've got a lock, you've got an apartment. You freaked me out by grabbing my arm and scared the hell outta me by hitting the wall, but that's a different thing. You know not to do that ever again."

"I didn't do anything with other girls," Dodge said softly. He hadn't done anything with Jessie, that much was sure. Well there was the one kiss, the hand holding, but the kiss had been necessary more than fun and she hadn't taken him up on his offer for another proper one. "I wouldn't hit you Maddy. I just was angry. Just really fucking angry." He sounded defeated, like it wasn't worth the effort at this point. Dodge got up, pulling the blanket from his shoulders and dropping it on hers as he got up, moving across the room to the shadows.

The defeated tone in his voice actually made her angry and she shrugged the blanket off to the floor and turned to follow him as he walked away from her. "I know you'd never hit me. I know you were angry, Dodge, but you hit the wall right above my head. If you'd missed? You would've decked me. You've never done that before and I still don't get that you were that angry because all I said was that I was good at getting Ethan out of one of his moods. And you did too do things with other girls. You took Jessie out on a fucking date. Stop denying that it wasn't that. It was. And you said that you liked her while you were doing things with me. I don't understand why you would do that, if you say that you wanted to own me and for me to be yours. Considering you've gotten me off before, that I did heavy stuff with you, I have an easier time believing that bitch is lying and that you had to be doing more stuff with her if you can go ahead and take her out and say that you liked her. But not only that? You fucking kissed her. You didn't want to forget kissing her. She had no problem telling me that." She shook her head and felt disgusted with herself for still wanting to be with him. "Explain this to me. Why was I the dirty secret?" There was that annoying hitch in her voice at the end there and she shook her head and took off her jacket. She felt too hot all of a sudden, dizzy and sick and angry and sad.

"I don't miss," Dodge said with a tone of arrogance. He didn't. He had complete control over his body. "That was it. I didn't want to share you, I hated the idea of sharing you with Roach. And sharing him with you. He was supposed to listen to me. I was supposed to be able to stop him and I couldn't. And then you tell me you can. How was I supposed to take that?" He was angry, and looking away from her, leaning against the wall, his face hidden in the shadow of the room. So she knew about the kiss. That still didn't change the fact that even though he'd pretended otherwise it wasn't a real kiss, but he knew it put him in more trouble than before. "It was different. I can't...I can't explain it. It was just different. Like different parts of me. I don't know." He didn't know how to explain his ability to compartmentalize things from one another. "And I kissed her so we wouldn't get caught stealing. But then she just shrugged the whole thing off and I didn't want her to do that. Like to pretend it never happened. I don't know." He looked at the floor, wishing he was somewhere else, but it wasn't like he had somewhere else to go. "You weren't the dirty secret. It wasn't something like that."

"We've been friends since I was eight. He was with me in the orphanage and when he'd get in those rages... Kids weren't nice to me in the orphanage. After Jack left--" Her voice drifted off there as she thought about what started happening right after. "He protected me in the orphanage. He had a lot of rage in him when he came in and that's how he channeled it. I don't know what happened to him before he came. I have some ideas but he never really said. It was something built out of neccessity." She shook her head and walked away from the window, shivering in the cold of the apartment and she crossed her arms over her chest as if that would warm her. "I want to hit you so badly right now. I don't see what's so wonderful about her that you want her. But I was. I was that dirty little secret, Dodge, because you went out and walked her home from school and went out with her. We never did anything like that. You wanted to be with her. If she wanted to be back with you, would you even tell me? Or would you just pretend I was the only one?" Her voice was shaking but it was hard to tell if it was because she was trying not to cry out her tears of frustration or if it was because she was cold. She didn't even know herself. "Did you tell me those things in your letter because you can't be with her? I'm your second choice?"

"I know what he's like Maddy. I spent years channeling that anger to my own advantage," Dodge said softly. He'd found Ethan and coaxed him into being Dodge's personal body guard. The kid still got to beat up people, just with direction. "It's not that she's so wonderful," he said softly. "She's different. She's not like us." And Dodge wanted it. He wanted to take it, partially just because he could. And he liked Jessie's spunk. He liked the chase. When Maddy asked if he'd tell her he flinched, not sure how to answer. He wasn't sure if he would have told her or not. "She didn't want me. She only hung out with me because she thought it might keep me from stealing shit. Like she was some one girl army against all the bad in the world." It was naive and yet he'd found it interesting, that way she had no idea how cruel the world could be but at the same time did. "I told you those things in the letter because you're the one who understands. I saw her today, JJ? And all she did was try and fucking save me from some more shit I've gotten myself into." Dodge rubbed his face a little. He felt dirty. He hated feeling dirty. He was about to fuck off this being dead thing, put the fedora back on and force a raid on the orphanage. He'd get his boys back and they'd take over again. For a moment he closed his eyes, enjoying the little fantasy, wanting to do it and knowing better.

It felt like he had landed that punch. Like he'd missed and decked her and not the wall. Maddy couldn't look at him because then he'd see the look on her face. That's what it was. That's what it had been. Because Dodge hadn't denied it. He only said 'She didn't want me'. She was different. She wasn't a whore or easy or let Dodge walk all over her. The only response from Maddy was just that glimpse of her profile and the stiff set to her her shaking shoulders. She couldn't say anything.

When she didn't answer Dodge opened his own eyes, looking over at her for a moment, waiting for her to say something. She didn't though, she just stood there stiff and cold. He watched her for a moment before pushing off the wall, moving close to her without touching her. "What are you thinking?"

She stiffened up even more when he came up to her and she wasn't looking at him, but that close, he could see the trembling in her jaw. "I'm thinking I'm fool," she ground out because that was the only way she could speak at the moment. "A stupid, hopeless, selfish fool."

Dodge let his breath out in a little woosh, giving up on trying to be someone else in an instant and going with his gut. His hand reached for her, tangling in her hair at her back enough to pull her towards him, pressing her against his chest. If she fought back at least she'd be doing something. It was more than this nothing that she was doing. It would mean she still had something alive left in her. Not just the shell of herself she had been the night before. "You aren't a fool. I'm a fool."

Maddy didn't fight against him. She just couldn't. Had he done it the night before, she would've clung right back but she was just there being pressed against him feeling empty. Sick, maybe. Sick to her stomach at the behavior last night. Telling him how much she loved him and she'd help him and it'd be her reason to live. He must've been laughing at her this whole time. No wonder he didn't want to touch her. She wasn't the one who wanted. He was just dealing with her because she was a sucker for having someone want her. On its own, it seemed, her fingers gently grabbed onto the hem of his shirt. They still wanted him.

He sighed, holding on to her even though he could tell she was still shut down, still somewhat stiff against him. "I'm sorry princess," He said after a long moment. "I screwed it all up and I don't even know where I went wrong because I didn't think I was wrong. I'm still not sure why I'm wrong. I just know I was." Don't do this, don't shut down on me.

"You didn't deny that you're trying to get me with you because she doesn't want to return the favor you show her," she said in a flat voice. "She's different. She didn't want you which means that you just wanted her all the more and she wants to change who you are. You said you said those things in the letter because I understand. Because I said I loved you and I'm easy. I'm good for your ego." Empty and sick and unmoving against him. She couldn't even feel the anger at him saying that he couldn't even understand what it was he did wrong. Her voice was just hollow and she rarely spoke in such a deeply hollow, empty tone. "You've been laughing at me for so long, haven't you." I'm not good enough for someone. Again. Jack. Roy. Dodge.

Dodge shook his head. "No, I said you'd understand because you would. We're the same aren't we? You said that yourself." He didn't let go of her, his hand still twisting in her hair. "I've never laughed at you. Not like that. I don't know why you'd think that." He couldn't answer hte questions about Jessie, he didn't have to the right answers there.

She refused to let her eyes close under the strokes of his hand in her hair. "I'll give the necklace back when I bring your blankets. And the supplies. You can make this a good apartment." Maddy couldn't see a bunch now that there were tears in her eyes but her voice was still empty. She watched lightening flash out the window followed by a crash of thunder so loud the apartment shook. Her body moved closer against his when it thundered. It was just automatic. A habit. Maddy hated it.

When she moved closer, Dodge breathed out a little. She might not have meant to do it, but it was still her moving closer. "I don't want those things back. Those are for you. If you give them back I'll find the key to your place and leave them there for you."

"Give it to JJ," she countered. "Maybe she'll fall in love with you too and you can get what you want." She didn't understand the point of the necklace except as a bribe. "I won't get in the way." It wasn't that she was losing the boy that she liked to some other girl. It was certainly part of it. It was losing someone she cared about because she was not worth it. Another perceived abandonment. Another failing on her part. "I knew you liked another girl. I just didn't want to lose you. I was stupid." Even in his different clothes, he was still Dodge, still surrounding her and it made her heart hurt suddenly. An echoing ache resonating in the hollowness.

Dodge shook his head, leaning down a little to rest his chin on the top of her head. "I don't want to give it to her. I gave it to you. It's an apology for not treating you better. So I can't give it to anyone else. It wouldn't fit anyone else." He sighed again, feeling like that was the only way he was breathing right now. "You don't have to wear, just...have it. In case you forget or something happens to me. I don't want her to love me, I want to fix us. Whatever got broken, I want to fix that first. That's more important."

Maddy finally allowed herself to close her eyes finally and at the next thunder clap her hands hooked more on the sides of his shirt. "I want to be mad at you. You're not supposed to say that."

"At least I finally managed to say the right thing," Dodge pointed out as he held her close. "You can still be mad at me, I deserve that much, but don't think those things you said, about me laughing at you or me thinking you're foolish. If you were foolish then I was beyond foolish. I like the idea of toning down whatever I was some." There was a slight tease at the end of his last statement, as if some of his humor was slipping back into his words.

"What am I if I'm not foolish?" she asked and her voice now was thicker and softer. There was emotion in it, but it wasn't clear if it was upset or sad or teasing back.

Dodge thought about that for a few breaths, his chin still against hers. "Reckless," he settled on, leaning back so he could smile down at her. "And Goddess of the Universe."

That got a little choked snort and a twitch of a smile on her face as she looked back up at him. "And I'm worth it? I'm worth something?"

"Of course you are," Dodge told her with a nod. "But you already knew that. You just let yourself forget." She'd always thought she was worth everything, that just being in her presence was some sort of gift. Dodge missed that version of Maddy, as difficult and frustrating as she'd been.

Her bloodshot eyes searched his face as he spoke and before she could think about how it was completely against boundaries, she was pulling his face down to hers and kissing him. Her mouth was trembling a little and her lips were chapped and her hand curling up over the back of his neck was dry but she was kissing him, shaking from cold against him as lightning cracked around outside.

He hadn't been expecting the kiss, not at all, and he cursed himself silently but he stiffened a little when she pressed her mouth against his. He recovered after a moment, eyes falling shut as he kissed her back, but pulled away before it went any farther than a chaste kiss. "Maddy," he said softly and ever so slightly chiding, pressing his face into her hair. He couldn't do this. He was certain of little about himself right now, but he was certain that this was not how he was supposed to be acting.

"Please?" she asked. The way his face was pressed against her hair meant her mouth was right up against his ear and he would be able to hear and feel the slight raggedness to her breathing. "Can we just push the boundaries to tomorrow? Can we just have this one more time? Please?" There was a voice that was telling her this might not be fair to him, but he'd kissed her back, he was holding her and she was holding back onto him. "Just once more?"

Dodge made a soft frustrated noise, not sure how to react. She had to ask him like that didn't she? How could he say no and not hurt her when she asked like that? But he couldn't do it again, not all over again. As much as he wanted to be with her as much as he wanted her, he couldn't do this part again. Not without knowing what the hell they were doing. He pulled away, untangling himself from and taking half a step back. "It makes it worse," he said softly, a little bit of pleading his own voice.

She swallowed and breathed out through her nose. She caught the pleading note in his voice and she nodded. "Sorry," she apologized and looked away. "Boundaries. What do you need me to do?" Her voice wasn't shaky or anything, but it was a little hoarse.

That hurt, the way she apologized for kissing him and looked away. He hated that and though he couldn't hear it in her voice he prayed that he hadn't hurt her. "Just give me time Maddy. I don't... I'm not changed yet. I just want to change. I can't promise I won't do the same thing over again yet." He wasn't even sure what she was asking him, but he was giving her his own brand of explanation anyway.

Maddy nodded. "I understand. That's fine. We need to fix things. I... I need to change too." She did. All her flaws lay on the table in front of her in all their glory. It was wonderful really. "No kissing. No hugging or hand holding?" She didn't know how much he wanted, but whatever he needed done, she'd deal.

He sighed again, taking the last few steps back until his back hit the wall behind him. "I don't know. No kissing. Maybe some of the other stuff. I'm not sure." He hated not knowing, not being sure of at least something.

Maddy moved too and picked up the blanket and wrapped it around herself before perching on the end of the bed. "That doesn't give me a lot to go on. Can I at least hold your hand?" Maybe if she asked each particular thing she could think of, that could give her an idea.

Dodge looked at her where she sat on the bed and more than anything he wanted to go and sit beside her with his head on her shoulder. Maybe she'd play with his hair a little like she did sometimes and he could drift to sleep, real sleep. As much as he wanted it though he was rooted where he stood, shoulders slumped against the wall. Needing to answer her, but not having the words he nodded. He could live with hand holding.

"Hugging okay?" she asked, because Maddy hugged all her friends and thinking back to the things that they did before all of that, he'd hugged her. "Or if I tell you that I'm still really tired and you are too, can we snuggle while we sleep?" Thunder and lightening punctuated her statement and her eyes moved from looking at her hands to looking out the window. She dimly realized that her money was still scattered on the ground.

"I thought you weren't the snuggler," he teased, but the words were a little choked. It hearkened back to the first time they'd shared the same sleeping space, the morning after he'd gone in tunnels for her. He knew better now, he knew she clutched him in her sleep, but he couldn't deal with laying everything out like that, it felt so final and unnatural.

Maddy rolled her eyes and shook her head. "You're the snuggler," she countered, her hearing not catching the choke because of the way they were positioned. Her voice wasn't as light as his tried to be but there was a little smile on her face. She was trying. She still felt broken inside, still doubtful and suicidal and lonely but she was trying not to let it get her.

"That's true. But I usually sleep alone," he said, still slightly pained, but he'd managed to keep the light air about his tone. Or he had usually slept alone, before things had changed with Maddy. He rubbed his face with his sleeve, feeling the grime of the city there and looking down to see some of on his shirt. Fucking homeless again. Just an unnamed boy on the street. He hated it.

Maddy watched him quietly, thinking of how far he'd fallen so to speak. He'd gone from a big, adopted family to this empty, poorly insulated hole in the wall. "It takes awhile to get used to," she said, picking up on what surely must be bothering him. "It took me a long time. Losing that safety and the warmth. I had terrible nightmares. I got through it though, it just takes some time." She exhaled slowly and patted the bed beside her. "You helped. The charming street boy and his hat. I can help you back. I owe you." There was no underlying agenda there. No want to have him kiss her or for them to do anything more. In that moment she was that little girl lost on her own and he was that little boy who had all the tricks of the street. Friends.

"I don't want to get used to it," he grumbled, finally giving in and going to the bed. He didn't sit where she patted, but instead flopped down lengthwise on his back to stare at the ceiling. "I hate it. I want my old life back. I don't sleep because I dream about it. Or I dream about him and that's worse. I hear voices in my head and my best friend hit me in the face then walked out." He draped one arm over his eyes, burying them in the crook of his elbow.

She turned around so she was laying beside him, but she was propped up on her side instead of on her back so she could look at him. "Did he hurt you too?" she whispered. Dodge had never told her about what happened with Patrick but Maddy had gone through abuse. She'd recognized it in some of the boys because she knew, deep down, that there was a whole host of problems in her from it. "The dreams of it happening are the worst." And she'd never quite told him what happened to her either.

Dodge didn't move his arm away when she asked about Patrick. "No. Never. I would have had him killed sooner," he said softly. He knew he hadn't told her what had happened, but she'd guessed. He supposed it was obvious if he really thought about it. At her second comment he did move his arm, looking at her. Though she hadn't explained her situation he'd figured it out fast. "In my dreams he laughs at me. He taunts me for failing them," he said softly, brown eyes watching hers.

Maddy's eyes were red from the tears that she'd held back but were still clear and blue as she looked back at him. She took in what he said and nodded a little. "Do you remember when I told you that you were a man, not a boy? When you found out what happened, you took care of it?" she said.

He wasn't sure what she was getting at but he nodded anyway. He remembered.

She licked her lips and broke her gaze with him and looked down at her hand. Her nails were ragged. Varying lengths from nibbling. They were cold too but cold enough that they no longer felt cold. "Every girl in that orphanage knew what was happening to me but they never said anything. Not even the older ones. I don't know why, but I know part of it was 'better that little Doll Girl than me'. They didn't like me much to begin with because I was this, I don't remember what she called me. Pretty Snow Angel Princess or something. There was resentment there and for a long time I was upset about it. It's only in the past few months I know that I didn't say anything either. I didn't even tell Ethan and I don't know why I didn't tell him. Maybe it's because he always got into so much trouble anyway that this was something he didn't need too, but I didn't tell anyone either. I was little though and I was scared and I have to try very hard not to hate myself. But it has taken me a very long time to not be mad at the other girls anymore because they were scared too. So I can't be mad at the nuns because they didn't know because no one said anything. If they had known, they would've done something.

"What I'm trying to say is that you have to forgive yourself for not doing something sooner because you didn't know. Those boys didn't know what to do because they were scared. But what I'm sure helped stopped them being scared? Was that as soon as you found out what was going on? You got him out of there and he's gone and he will never hurt those boys again. And you made them safe by sending them to the orphanage too. No one is going to hurt them there. It takes time but you need to remember that there was no other grown-ups who saw what was happening and you were young too. But you took care of it. And you've got to learn to forgive yourself." Her eyes ticked back up to his almost nervously, hoping that she had said the right thing. It's what she believed.

"Is he still there, the one who hurt you?" Dodge asked. He had connections at the orphanage now. He could do something about that as well. "I'm not ready to let myself off the hook I guess. I can't see a way to do it. I did let them down. I promise I'd take care of them and I couldn't. I had them hauled out of their beds and shipped off alone. I made myself watch." He knew he needed to forgive himself. In the back of his mind he knew that it wasn't Patrick's actual ghost haunting him, just his own fears manifested into something far scarier than it actually was. He just couldn't shake it, couldn't let himself off the hook.

"You took care of them by knowing that they were better and safer somewhere else. You're seventeen, Dodge. You're by no means ready to be a father to all those boys no matter how much you want. That's not a failing on your part. Getting them to the orphanage was being a responsible adult and you did it with better intentions than the guardians of a lot of those kids ever did. And they have each other. They're together and safe. Not alone." He couldn't let himself be absolved of Patrick's crimes and Maddy reached out to brush some hair off his face, something she'd been doing for years and what she hoped was acceptable in terms of boundaries. She was very much aware she didn't answer his first question and she didn't want to.

He noticed she didn't answer his question, but forgot about it as she went on. "You really think that? That they're better off? I doubted it once I did it." He didn't stop her when he brushed his hair off his face, enjoying the sweetness there for just a moment. "I'll be eighteen soon." It wasn't really pertinent but she'd reminded him of his age and he felt the need to point out that it was a temporary condition.

She smiled a little an nudged his shoulder when he reminded her of his age. "I really do," she said. "Three meals a day, their own real bed, clothes that fit, medicine. They don't have to steal. It's safe. If it... sometimes I think about going back. When I'm sick especially. Sister Mary Catherine always brings the sick kids chicken soup and she sings with her guitar. Not church songs but nice songs that you hear on the radio. And she always read the cool bible stories, like David and Goliath or Jonah and the Whale. She does voices too. What do you want for your birthday? When is your birthday?" He'd asked her what she wanted to do and she wondered what he would've gotten for her or if those gloves were what he was planning on the whole time.

That sounded like a good deal for them, a good set up. Especially for the smaller ones. He went back to staring at the ceiling, trying to picture them happy and listening to stories, but it got him thinking about telling them his own stories and he had to stop. "I don't have a birthday. I just add another year when spring comes around."

"Dodge doesn't have a birthday then, but Jim Dillinger needs one. You like spring? It could be March 21st. First day of spring." It was the first name she could come up with that still had J.D. but wasn't something sad and morbid like John Doe.

Dodge looked at her funny. "Who's Jim Dillinger?" he asked, shaking his head. "No, it's just spring in general. I don't need a birthday." He'd never had one before and getting one now seemed like it took away from all the years where birthdays counted. Plus having a date like that made it more depressing to think about how short his time on this earth would be. He rarely focused on his age for that reason specifically.

"Jim Dillinger is you. Or Jeremy Dillinger. Or Jonah Dodgson or anything that isn't John Doe because it's depressing. We'll steal you a birth certificate from the free clinic and get it filed then you won't be just another face. You'll be a someone. A new someone with a birthday and friends and an apartment. It means you aren't just floating in the city among the masses. You are someone. You have a right to be here like everyone else. You exist." Maddy was fierce and adamant as she said it and she still looked at him even if he had looked away to the ceiling. "It's grounding."

"I like John Doe," Dodge said a little firm on that. "Or JD at least." Her idea had him watching her. "What does it matter? I was fine before when I didn't have any of those things." Dodge sat up a little, propping himself up on his elbows.

Maddy nodded. "Okay. John Doe. Johnny." If he liked the name, well, it wasn't her name. "Because before you were Dodge and you had a life built up. Now you have to start over and I think it'll help feel like you're someone and you're going to be someone. A foundation to be whoever you want to be." She moved, leaning over him and grabbing one of his pillows and when she pulled back she hit him in the head with it. "You want me to help you? This is me helping. So pay attention. Dodge had the foundation that he was the leader of a street gang. He was the best pick pocket this side of the river. A reputation. A life. You don't have that life anymore. You're building one from scratch. So here's a way. We could just fill out a birth certificate. Don't even have to slip it into filing. You would just be able to come up with your identity and your cover story. You ran from home because your father wanted to control your life and you wanted to build your own and now you're living on your own with your controlling yet completely wonderful and adorable friend whose a girl and you're going to build yourself a place in this world." She nodded and gave him a genuine smile for the first time in weeks. A happy and satisfied smile that made the corners of her eyes crinkle.

Dodge was hardly expecting her to hit him with the pillow so when she did he faltered, grabbing for it and giving her a bit of a look. At her explanation he frowned, though it was more of a sarcastic frown. "Building my way in the world? That sounds horrid. And an awful lot like work." He really didn't do work. It went against his entire lifestyle. "And not this side of the river. Whole fucking city. Don't mess that up."

She pulled the pillow out of reach and bopped him on the head with it again. "You did it before, you can do it again. You wanna talk work, try walking around in heels for a few hours then walk back home in them and then we'll talk about work. You sound like a lazy bum." She hit him again with the pillow, trying to hide her smile.

By the time she hit him the second time Dodge caught the pillow, pulling on it to wrench it from her. "I am a lazy bum. It works for me. I hate the idea of slaving my life away at some job. What's the point of that anyway. I didn't do it before and I made a name for myself. I don't have do it this time either."

"So what are you going to do with yourself?" she asked him and grabbed for the pillow. "Seems like it'll be boring." He was going to go stir crazy in no-time, she was sure of it.

"I'll lay low until everything blows over. Then I start again I suppose." He hadn't really sorted out the details part of the plan, nor the part where he didn't have back up, but he figured that would just come naturally.

"You just want to pick pockets for the rest of your life?" Maddy looked doubtful at that. "But I guess it's your only choice then." She tugged on the pillow trying to get it out of his grasp. "Gimme."

"It's not a bad way to live," Dodge said with a shrug. "Maybe I'll move up in the world to jewel thief. I'd only have to do a few robberies a year and I could relax for the rest of the time." He didn't let go of the pillow, tugging it in a different direction. "No way. You'll just hit me again."

She gave him a withering look as she was pulled in that direction since she was still holding onto it. "No I'm not," she lied. "You know, I'm getting a lot better with painting. You could upgrade to art thief and sell forgeries." That sounded exciting actually.

"You're like the worst liar ever," he said in a chiding tone. "Look at us, we'd be a veritable Bonnie and Clyde." Though that sounded more like a con than actually thievery. The fun part was taking things from people who had too much anyway.

Instead of grabbing the pillow she pushed against him to try throw him off balance. "I could get a job at a gallery and tell you whose buying the paintings. I can paint copies and you can sneak into their house and replace them with my copy. Or you could just steal them." Giving up on trying to get the pillow, she went after the second one and went to hit him with it.

Her shove didn't really throw him off balance, but he moved with it, using it as a chance to shift his weight. "What do you do with a painting after you steal it anyway? It's not like you can pawn a painting. No, I think I'll be a better jewel thief," he said as he held his pillow up to protect himself from her attack.

"The black market. With the war going on, people are buying up paintings more and more because they think they've been 'saved' from Europe. They're paying more than houses." It was something she'd heard during the art fair and how sad it was that the war was destroying art, not the lives of the soldiers. Even though he had his guard up, Maddy hit him anyway.

"The black market? I don't even know where that is," he teased knowing full well it was more a term than an actual place. Dodge blocked her hit with his pillow then when her hands were down he popped her one on her head as well. Fair was fair right?

Maddy let out an annoyed huffing sound when he got the shot and hit his arm with her pillow. "You don't be mean to girls, Johnny Boy," she scolded but sobered a little. "Do you want me to stop calling you Dodge?"

Dodge laughed, a light noise that he hadn't let out in a while. "You hit me first!" At her question he sobered as well, smile faltering. "I dunno. It's up to you. You can't call me that out there," he said nodding towards the window. "Because I'm supposed to be dead and such."

"Doesn't matter," she said and hit him with the pillow again. "Do you want me to stop calling you Dodge?"

"It does too matter!" he said ducking again to avoid getting hit. "I dunno if I want you to or not. That's why I said you could decide. Though Johnny Boy is kinda cute."

Maddy tried to look serious but her smile was twitching. She couldn't help it. "Johnny Boy likes to hit girls with pillows. What a cad. Dodgy Johnny." Maddy didn't try hit him with the pillow this time but hugged it to her chest. "We'll get you some pillows too. I have plenty."

"Johnny boy is a cad. Terrible one at that." When she didn't hit him again he laid back, tucking his pillow behind his head. "I'd like that, the pillows." His eyes drifted shut as he lay there, exhaustion starting to set in.

She watched him for a moment before putting her pillow next to his and laying down beside him. They were both quiet as the thunder shook the walls of the apartment again and she wrapped her arms around the pillow instead of snuggling up to him, mindful of boundaries and something he might not want. "Pillows are good," she murmured, exhausted herself.

He could feel her there, but he was glad at the same time that she gave him a little space. Dodge guessed that he'd wake up curled up next to her, but for now it was good that they weren't crushed together to start. He reached around finding an abandoned blanket and pulling it over them. After the blanket was there he breathed out, drifting to sleep in just moments.