Donuts and Revelations

Who: Lily and Zhen
Where: Local Bakery
When: Morning

Lily needed to get out of the house despite the damp of the morning. She felt confined, suffocated inside the walls and while it was worse outside, at least there was more air to breathe, no walls feeling like they were closing in on her. She didn't have to go in to work for another hour or two, but she thought she'd go in early with some doughnuts or something.

Jessica would ask how the ball went and Lily would suffer through it. And Jenny. She really needed to see Jenny soon.

The line finally moved, the bakery busier than when she usually came in, but then, she was in earlier than she usually was. And with three more people ahead of her also taking large orders, she had time to think.

Saturday had been interesting. The conversation she had with Jesse had been interesting. It had been nice, too. And had brought up some interesting things to consider. Namely about investigating her past.

Lily had thought about her parents, had thought about why her mother left and her father took to drinking. She'd only ever spoken to her grandmother about it, back when things hadn't been so bad. And Lily had never really thought about the oddity that was her near amnesia of a youth spent with her parents. No one had ever asked her about the "black hole" and Lily never brought it up. Not after being yelled at for the first time and sent to bed without supper.

Maybe you don't want to remember. Jesse's warning (it was a warning, yes?) had shaken her more afterwards when she reflected upon the conversation. She could think of numerous reasons why someone would want to forget a past, but she could also think of numerous reasons why someone would want to remember it.

She was jolted out of her head when the man behind her tapped her on the shoulder, indicating that it was her turn. Lily ordered a variety and was told to move to the end of the counter to wait for the order, by the door. Boy, it was dreadful looking outside.

Zhen happened to be in the bakery, and had just gotten her own order. She noticed the girl who was next looked a bit in her own world, so to speak. She smiled at her warmly, and dug a muffin out of her own bag. "Want some sugar?" she offered. "You look like you need it," she said, tone nice, kind. "Plus, I have no one to share them with! I'd been thinking of finding someone random anyhow, and here you are!" she said, as if it didn't occur to her that Lily might not be inclined for that or have the time.

Lily looked at the offered food, looking quite startled. She'd been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed the girl come up to her. "Oh," she said, taking the offered muffin. "Um, thank you... what's your name?" The girl didn't look familiar at all. Lily had never seen her before.

"Zhen!" she answered immediately. "Yours?" she asked. "Want to come sit with me?" she asked. "While you wait for your order. Then we could possibly go elsewhere. I was sort of hoping for an adventure today. The best ones are with new people to share them with, of course," she said with a firm nod, as if this were common knowledge everyone adhered to.

She was still a little stunned, mostly from the rapid fire questions that were being thrown her way. Quickly realizing that she was being rude, Lily nodded and smiled. "I'd love to sit with you. My name's Lily." There were few, if anyone in this city that were eager to sit with complete strangers, much less strike up conversations with them. "Over here fine?" She gestured to a table by the window.

"It's lovely! I like windows." Zhen said. "You can see what's coming." she explained, then headed over and sat down, digging out a muffin for herself. "So, Lily, it's a pleasure to meet you. Tell me all about yourself!" she invited, munching on her muffin, and taking a sip of the tea she'd gotten to go with--after dumping liberal amounts of sugar into it. Her expression was very clearly attentive on Lily, like she was going to be hanging on every word--which she was, really, so that worked out.

Lily was surprised and she looked it. A complete stranger wanted to know "all about her"? She thought of what Jesse said again, that if someone asked, she shouldn't worry about talking about herself. No one really had ever seemed too interested in her. "Um, what do you want to know?" That might be a little easier. Less inclined to go on tangents. There was something about Zhen that made Lily feel like she could tell her everything, and she was sure that came from having few people to talk about.

"What's the most important thing a person should know about you?" Zhen asked, not having to think that over. "I mean, if you could only have one thing known, one vital piece of information, what would you choose? Tell me about that!" she said, still looking like she was waiting for Lily to divulge the world's secrets.

Lily didn't answer, pursing her lips in thought as she cycled through her life in her head. What bothered her most was what she divulged the other day: That she couldn't remember the first eight years of her life. "I live with my grandmother," she said. "And have since I was eight. Her and I don't really... get along." She smiled a little bit and shrugged. "She's not the best thing for someone's self-esteem."

"So you have low self esteem, caused by your grandmother? And that's the most important thing to know about you?" Zhen asked, not seeming to pass judgment on that, just checking that she got it right. "Interesting. You realize if you know that you have that, and what it stems from, that you're just letting it happen if you don't do anything about it, right? Why are you still living with her? Is she feeble?" she asked curiously, propping her chin on her hand as she kept her focus on Lily.

"Yeah, I know," she sighed. "And she's in her early 80s now and she does need my help. I suppose, I dunno, I feel guilty about it. She's done a lot for me, really, and she's the only family I have." Lily took a bite of her muffin, chewing slowly. Oh, she knew that she was letting it happen and she was certainly unhappy about it. "I've tried to assert myself more," she said after swallowing. "I got a job at the library awhile back and I tutor at the schools but I know that isn't enough any more. She actually used to be really nice, when I was little." She smiled in memory, thinking of happier times. "We made cookies together, she took me to the theater and to the park. Like she was trying to make up for what happened to my parents. But then... oh, I was probably around thirteen? Fourteen? She pulled me out of the school I went to, told me I wasn't worth the waste. My music lessons stopped -- I had a really nice tutor. His name was Ryan -- and it felt like she was locking me up away from the world." She'd never told this to anyone, not even Jenny, but Zhen... Zhen seemed so interested, so curious, so easy to talk to.

Zhen did listen, sipping more tea as she took it in. "Well, first of all, family is what you say family is. Sure, there's blood and the like, but it's a word that can be redefined as you see fit. Also, even if she is family, and regardless of who she used to be, clearly that isn't the case now, and if you look at it... hmm... how old are you? I'd guess that she was nice for less than half of your life, so you owe nothing to some half lingering memory of someone nice. People make their own beds, Lily, and it seems hers was made a long time ago. You owe her nothing, and if she's not been a good enough person to warrant the help she needs? Perhaps she should suffer without." she said, nodding a little. And even if what she was suggesting might have sounded harsh coming from someone else, Zhen's tone was quite gentle.

"I couldn't do that to her, no matter how much she frustrates me," Lily murmured but she smiled a little. "Maybe I'm a masochist or I've read Pride & Prejudice too many times. When you're surrounded by books all day, well, it's nice to escape for awhile. Maybe that's part of the problem. I've tried to escape from it too much and it's only kind of just hit me how messed up this all is. That I've been in denial for too long." She thought about Lady Catherine De Bourgh and her daughter, Anne.

Zhen eyed Lily for a long moment, as if trying to work something out. "You'd term it 'frustration'?" she asked, tone light. "I would think of it more that she's stolen your life away. Low self esteem closes millions of doors in life. It alienates people, it's awkward in the best of social situations, and wears on every aspect of your existence. It colors everything. You're a beautiful woman, more than pretty enough to have fetched herself a catch of a husband by now but I don't see a ring. And you've just admitted that you're an escapist, which would further alienate you from a full, enriching life." she said. "I would call that one heck of a lot more than 'frustration'."

She rested her chin on a fist, looking down at her muffin. "I hate to think that she's like that for the sake of it, you know? That there has to be some reason that things changed so drastically." A frown. "It feels like she suddenly became overprotective. Gran took me away from my father after my mother left, even though it took awhile. God, I barely remember life with my parents." She looked up at Zhen, concern etched over her face. "Do you think that might be part of the problem?"

"Overprotective and telling you you're a waste are entirely different things." Zhen said. "You're making excuses for her. It's not right. And what might be part of the problem?" she asked. "that you don't remember your parents or much before the harpy?" she asked. "No. I think your problem is you have someone in your life who's made you feel awful and you've not done anything about it." she said firmly. "I would get out, if I were you. Free yourself."

"I've got a friend that I might be able to move in with." She thought of Jenny, being roommates and everything. She cared about the girl but sometimes it was difficult. "It's like she doesn't even hear me when I ask her things. Really. Don't get me wrong. I hate it. I'm nervous sometimes what's going to happen when she dies." She looked out the window at the dreary day, men and women passing by on their way to work. "It's scary out there."

"How would you know?" Zhen asked. It was a light, simple question, but held weight. "You fall into escapism, and apparently don't think much of yourself... so, how would you know what it's like out there? What if it's a wonderful place full of bright colors, and music, and people, and love, and awe, and heartbreak and sorrow, but it's all life?" she posed.

"Have you heard the headlines this past week?" she countered. "How can people do things like that to each other? How can the world be a good place if they hurt one another. The children on the street abandoned by parents?" Lily hated to think about that but it was how she felt. The city was a dreary place, no matter what. The sun could only be found in fiction. "My mother ran away from my father. From me. How could she do something like that? Couldn't she have taken me with her?"

"I don't know, I don't know your mother. Maybe you should find her and ask." Zhen told her. "Instead of taking such a passive role in your own existance, like it seems you've done your whole life. Don't be a sleepwalker anymore, Lily. Take control." Zhen encouraged. "And of course that's all the papers are going to report. Why would they report on how gorgeous the flowers in someone's garden are? That's not news worthy, but that doesn't make it insignificant. They don't do stories on falling in love, or holding someone's hand, or aching for someone else because you feel for them. Forget the paper. It isn't a reflection of life either."

"You'd think people would be depressed enough in this city without adding to it," she joked a little bit, the seriousness of this conversation making her feel a little uncomfortable, even if Zhen was nice and trying to help her. She thought. "Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I want her to die already. And answers. Answers would be nice. When you barely remember your childhood, some insight into it would be appreciated." It came out frustrated, stressed and Lily felt like banging her head on a wall or the table repeatedly. "Should I give up on that?" Jesse had said that maybe that was something she shouldn't try to find out and he had a point, but it only fueled her curiosity.

"Nonsense. You can't die yet, you haven't actually lived." Zhen said, shaking her head. "Now the old bat, on the other hand, I'd say she had it coming. She's not only had her life but she stole yours. Not very fair, all things considered." she said like it was purely logical. "And oh, dear, no, you shouldn't. You should most certainly dig deeper and find out what happened! It's part of your life too! It can only make you more complete." she told her seriously. she reached out and patted Lily's hand. "It'll be alright, you just need to make some changes and take some action."

Smothering sounded interesting. She'd thought about it before. Poison too but she didn't exactly know how to do that. "Yeah... I think I understand that. Perhaps one of those kinds of people that need to put others down. And," she added slowly. "It's not okay. So you think that looking deeper would offer some kind of closure?"

"I think not knowing is depriving you of knowing who you are. Or letting you move forward with life. How can you possibly do any of that if you don't even remember being a child? Or your parents or anything? It's silly, really. So dig. Dig and don't stop digging til you find the truth. And do whatever you have to do to do that, Lily. Do it by any means necessary." she stressed. "It'll be worth it."

Zhen had a point. She did feel that she needed to know more about things before. That if she was able to survive something (if that's what happened). That would make her... stronger, right? And Zhen seemed to have tapped into that curiosity she had. Curiosity that she'd certainly been scolded on but that didn't stop her. Not much of the time anyway. "I don't know where to start," she confided. "I've looked all over the house. I tried to find the newspaper archives but a lot of them got burned in the fire."

"Write down your parent's names, and hand them over to a private detective." Zhen instructed patiently. "They know how to do these things properly. I mean, don't stop looking around the house, and maybe start cracking into the attic or basement, or anyplace else you haven't looked, to see what you might have missed, especially if you're not supposed to be messing around in such places. But make sure to hire someone too."

Lily actually grinned a little at the suggestion. "That's not a bad idea." The attic was actually locked and Lily hadn't been up there in years and that was only because she was looking around for some of her dolls that mysteriously vanished. "Do you by chance have any recommendations on PIs?"

Zhen shook her head. "Sorry, sweetheart. You'll have to walk that path on your own. But start it! Start it today! Go for a walk, and the first PI you come across--talk to him!" she suggested, smiling brightly. "Start out your path, and don't stop following it." she encouraged. "You'll be better for it." she promised, nodding.

It was like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, or Alice on a search through the craziness of wonderland. "Thank you," she said with a small smile. "I can do this. I have people who could help me. And you've helped me." She popped the last piece of her muffin in her mouth. "Take initiative. Take control." But what if she failed? What if there was absolutely nothing to find. She wouldn't know until she found out though.

"Good!" Zhen said, smiling. "And your order is up! Well, my sweet, you have a good time on your journey. I do hope I see you around, so I can see what sort of results you've gotten!" she said, standing up. She put a hand on the other woman's shoulder, and looked her in the eyes. "Whatever it is, it'll be better because it'll be you." she told her warmly if seriously. Then she smiled again. "Trust me."

And Lily believed her, the sincerity in her eyes. "I'll look for you." If Roy came back, maybe he'd know her. Or know someone who would help. "And I'm always at the library too." She couldn't be sure if Zhen was the reading type, but considering few asians came to the library, she didn't think Zhen would come looking for her there. "I hope to see you soon. Be safe." It felt like the right thing to say and Lily meant it.

"Always." Zhen said, winking at the girl. She scribbled something on the top of the box she'd gotten, and headed out, leaving the box on the table. On the top of it, it said 'free to a good home'.