Finding "it"

Who: Helena and Maddy
Where:Kitten Club
When: Late afternoon

Loneliness was a powerful force and being miserable was easier than being happy. Helena was afraid of contentment, of finding that place that existed where she could be everything she dreamed of. At one time she would have done anything to be the person she imagined she should become but that was all slipping away. Helena hadn’t left her apartment for days…hadn’t eaten so much as a piece of bread and a dollop of jam in a day and a half. She wasn’t hungry for anything; for life, for hope, for happiness. It all seemed trivial. But, no matter how low she felt she could not find the courage to take the razor to her throat. She had too much pride for that. Deep down she wanted to get out of this slump. She was still fighting to get back to the land of the living.

That was probably why, with great effort, she had dragged herself out of bed and to her bath where she had sat luxuriously in the hot liquid and had washed herself slowly and laboriously until the grime of her depression has turned the water grey. By the time she had applied the berry red of her lipstick she felt worlds better…enough to brave the outside world and contemplate the perfect fabric for Jesse’s daughter. She had a promise to keep and money to make despite the bittersweet reasons behind her good fortune.

Her heels clicked along the pavement of the side walk as she braved the cold month of January…a month that still hadn’t ceased to get on by. She longed for February and for the warm months to come. Why couldn’t it be May or June? How she loved the cherry blossoms that popped out like miracles. But there were no flowers yet. There was just the miserable gray of winter and as she moved along she couldn’t help but feel repressed…squished down as she followed the same old routine. There was nothing new anymore…nothing exciting and she suddenly longed for something to hit her like lightening.

Watching the world stretch out before her as she walked she didn’t see how that was possible. maybe I should buy a gun She thought to herself and it wasn’t the first time she’d had this very thought. She just hadn’t had the resolve to get to the arms store and declare her 2nd amendment right. Maybe she finally would if Jesse’s daughter made an appearance and new clothes were sewn into existence. Business hadn’t exactly been tidy lately. She was still poor and she wasn’t getting any younger. She’d wasted her youth on Eddie and she hated him for that…for leaving her older. She needed the money…even if it was payment out of pity.

fuck Jesse and his pity…. She wanted to believe she didn’t need him but she knew she did. She didn't want friends. She didn't want to believe that anything mattered anymore.

When has she ended up such a complainer? She hated being that dame…that woman that couldn’t get to where she needed to be.

Maybe that’s why she took a detour and decided to have a drink. She’d always been partial to fancy cocktails and she didn’t think one or two special beverages would put her out of house and home. She stopped into the very first place she came to that looked like a drink might be had….