the first apology
Who: Dodge
Where: Outside the Hill Street Theater
When: Early morning
In the end it had taken two young boys to carry everything. Zhen had been true to her word and she and Dodge had left the art store, weighed down with canvases, paints and brushes. Enough for Maddy to open her own studio if her heart desired. He'd resisted briefly, but eventually he'd found the perfect necklace for Maddy and let Zhen pay for it. The silver pendant was twisted into what the jeweler had called a 'love knot' which bore some heavy connotation but Dodge thought it was fitting. If there was any way to describe what went on with Maddy, twisted into knots seemed to work just fine.
He'd gone with the boys to the theater, crouching in the alley across the street with them before he set them to their task. It was hard, seeing the way their eyes followed his every move, noting how they listened with rapt attention at what he said when he knew what came next. The betrayal he had in store for them. It'll be a better life, he told himself silently as he handed over the box with the necklace and the letter. They were given strict instructions to give what they had to Maddy only, to put the box and the letter directly into her hands. If she wasn't home when they got there, they waited. She'd come back eventually.
From the shadows of the alley he watched them go, arms full but they were careful as they picked their way across the street, not wanting to damage anything. They'd do good, they'd be excited to hand over the gift, because they didn't know what had happened. They didn't know what would happen. Once the two heads disappeared into a side door, Dodge pushed off the wall. Normally he'd wait, to see if they came out right away but not today. There were plans to put into motion, plans that need to be done now or he'd back out and not do them at all.
Maddy,
I've no idea where to start because the beginning seems like it doesn't apply any more. Too much has changed since then to consider it a starting point. So maybe I'll just start with the end.
I didn't want you to go. More than anything else in the world I didn't want you to walk away from me the other day. I hated sitting there, telling you to leave, but I knew I'd start lying to you if it would make you stay. I'd say whatever you needed to hear.
We both know that's not right. You deserve better than that. You said that yourself. Maybe that was my turning point. Not getting hit in the face by my best friend, or you yelling at me. Maybe it was just me realizing that I couldn't lie to you like that. That I couldn't do that to you, not when you just said you were better than that.
Because you are better than that.
I never wanted to hurt you. I wasn't in any of this to hurt you. Looking back I can see how it might have seemed that way, I know I sure as hell didn't bother to explain myself or think about how one thing could affect another. How doing something could hurt someone who didn't seem to be directly related to the situation. All I ever wanted was to make you happy, happy to be with me, happy to stay with me.
And I know I was selfish. I was terribly selfish about everything. I wanted what I wanted, and I took it without any regard at all for what you wanted, what you needed. For what you deserved. But I'm trying to fix that, to focus less on me and what's better for everyone else. I can't promise that I'm going to be able to do it, but I'm going to try.
You were right, right to tell me that I didn't treat you right, because I didn't. I didn't know what I had, Roach told me that more than once, but I thought it was just one of those stupid things people say because it's what you're supposed to say. But you're gone now and I can feel it. I ache without you around, without knowing you'll be there if I need somewhere to go to forget the world outside. Instead of understanding what a gift I had, I just used it and pretended it was nothing. I treated you like you'd always be around Maddy, I took you for granted, and I'm realizing too late that I did it.
I don't want to go this alone Maddy. So much is going to change, so much needs to change, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to do it. I never admitted it before, but I need you, you to give me strength, to tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong, because sometimes I have no idea which side of the fence it falls on. That sometimes trying is all you can do. Because I'm going to be spending a lot more time trying than I ever have before. I need you to tell me when I'm screwing up, because sometimes, lots of times I just can't see it.
And I'm sorry. A million times over I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every bit of it, every wrong and every slight. I should have known better, I should have been better, but I wasn't. All I can do is tell you I'm going to try to be better, even if the only way I can show you that is by doing it, by giving you time to see the change.
What I'm asking for Maddy is another shot, a chance to get it right this time around, to prove to you that I never wanted to hurt you but only want to make you happy. A chance to be a better guy, to try to not make all the same mistakes I did before, but care about you and treat you the way you want to be treated. You don't have to say yes right away, actually I don't expect you to, but keep it there as an option. And know, that the second time around, I'll do whatever you want. We can spend time together when you want me there, not just me showing up when I want to be there, and I'll respect whatever boundaries, whatever expectations for me you put out there.
I'm sorry Maddy. I really am. You were right. I was wrong to treat you like I did, I should have done better, but I'm going to try. I just can't do it alone. I need your help to make it through this if you're willing to give it. No matter what happens though, I'm still here if you need me. I'm willing to do whatever you need, as well as anything it'll take to make up for what happened between us. Just say the word and it's yours.
Dodge