good morning, bad morning

who: Dodge and Roach
where: The streets
when: Morning

Roach had left Corey’s nest early, hoping to sneak out before she woke up. It hadn’t worked in the end, since he’d had to climb over her to get out from underneath the table and had to come back to drop his stuff off anyway. It had been a difficult decision to take Snow with him, tucking her inside his pack, and leave all of the others. It was a harder decision still to even go through with it, packing up his things from the same spot they’d been in for the last several years. The color of the floor was different, outlined in the shape of his body, where he’d slept every night.

Eventually he had left, slipping out of the empty apartment, returning to the tunnels to leave Snow and his bag, then heading out into the street--this time to wait for Dodge. He headed to a few of the places he’d known Dodge to hang around at, usually alone--he hoped--and stood there for a while, leaning in the shadows, watching, then moving on to another place.

The waiting was the worst. He just kept going over what he would say, what had been going on for weeks now. He was getting himself worked up over it, making himself angrier, imagining the hand-shaped bruise on Maddy’s arm again and again, remembering how she’d cried a month’s worth of tears into his chest. Tears that Dodge had caused. He remembered how they’d attacked Roy that day when he was sick, how he’d watched Dodge kiss JJ from a distance. The longer he waited for Dodge, the more he thought about it, the angrier he got, and the tighter his already sore and bruised fists became.

When Roach didn’t come home that morning, Dodge was up with dawn, headed onto the streets to find his missing boy. He’d wandered as close as he’d dared to the police station, bumming a light of a young cop who told him they hadn’t picked up any kids the night before. He hit all of Roach’s usual places with no sign of the other boy, and not long after he was about to give up, a young runner sent by Mud caught up with him, letting him know that Mud was having just as worse luck. Frustrated Dodge found himself moving with a little less bounce to his step slipping through patrons on the street towards one of the stoops he tended to hold court at. Maybe if he stayed in once place Roach would come to him.

Roach had been leaning in the mouth of an alley across the street from the stoop, just out of sight of anyone who would be walking by. It meant that he saw Dodge first. He sucked in a hard breath at the sight of the other boy, the object of all of his building anger. This was it. Moment of truth. Turning point in his life. He stepped out of the alley, calling out, “Hey, Dodge!” his arm lifted to wave him over.

Dodge glanced up at his name and breathed a giant sigh of relief. Well thank fucking God. He’d been half a step from writing his friend off as dead. He crossed the street in quick time, dodging a car or two before he made it safely to the other. “Jesus christ, where have you been? What part of ‘in before dark’ last night didn’t make sense? I was checking out the fucking police station,” he told Roach once they were on the same sidewalk.

“There’s a whole lot that hasn’t been making sense to me lately, Dodge,” Roach said. “Let’s talk for a bit. Sound good?” There was an edge in his voice that was never directed at Dodge... usually. It wasn’t anything like how he’d sounded the morning before, but there was definitely something different, something... upset in it. He backed up deeper into the alley, almost to the end of it.

“I’m pretty sure on the list of things that might not make sense that one was pretty clear,” Dodge commented, but he still registered Roach’s tone. It was enough to give him a moment of pause before following his friend into the shadows. Somewhere, not here exactly, but nearby he swore he heard the tinkling of familiar laughter. There was even a moment, just after stepping into the alley that had him looking back over his shoulder as if expecting to see something that wasn’t there. Someone that couldn’t be there. “What’s going on Roach?” he asked as he turned his head back around.

There was a moment, as Roach stood at the back of the alley, waiting for Dodge to approach, that he wondered how things had got this far. This was his friend, this was Dodge, the sun he revolved around. Except that he wasn’t--that sun was Maddy, it had always been Maddy. And he’d hurt her. But this wasn’t just about Maddy. This was about Dodge, about how he’d become someone else the last few weeks, and even earlier, since Patrick got locked up, then killed. This was bigger than a girl. This was about all of them, and the paths that Dodge was leading them all down. Dodge hadn’t turned his head all the way around before Roach’s fist connected with his face. Not hard enough to knock him out and break a cheekbone, but certainly hard enough to hurt.

Dodge had not been expecting to be hit. Not in the very least. It was so unexpected he found himself stumbling backward clutching his face where his friend had just hit. They’d wrestled and play tussled, but Roach had never hit him. “What the fuck?” Dodge snapped still doubled over a little and a few steps away from Roach. If it had been anyone else he would have stepped back into it, pummelled the guy himself, but this was Roach and Roach was bigger than Dodge, stronger too.

“That’s been a long time coming, Dodge,” Roach said, rubbing at the knuckles of the hand that had thrown the punch. It still felt bizarre to have done that, but he’d needed to. Dodge had needed to have it happen. “From a whole hell of a lot of people. I didn’t know it before but I know it now. You’ve been doing a lot of fucked up shit and it has to stop.”

Goddamnit his face hurt. He’d seen Roach punch people before but never felt it. At first the shock of it had just stunned him, but now that Dodge had his wits about him it felt a bomb had gone off on his cheek and his whole face was on fire. “So you fucking hit me?” he was angry, but at least this time he was able to look up at Roach, eyes watering in pain and fedora askew. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Yeah, I hit you. I was the only one that was going to.” And Dodge didn’t even know why or what he was saying. His jaw tightened and he shook his head, shoving his hands down into his pockets so he wouldn’t throw another punch as he got angrier. “You don’t get it, Dodge. Things have been weird ever since Patrick... and they’ve been getting worse the past few weeks. I don’t know what the hell is going with you but I’m done with it. Jessie’s done with it. I’m pretty fucking sure Roy is done with it. Maddy’s done with it.”

Dodge attempted to scowl but it hurt his face too much to do more than just remain passive. There were rebuttals, about how he’d get Jessie back, how Roy was never part of anything because he was a whiny prat, but the first and the last part stuck out well enough. “Done? What the hell is done?”

“There’s a fucking bruise on her arm,” Roach said, scowling. “Did you even see it? It’s hand-shaped. Your hand. It’s bad enough that you’ve been running around on her for weeks with Evelyn and Jessie, but then you go and hurt her too. Of course it was going to blow up in your face. I told you that. What else did you expect? She’s not a toy, Dodge. None of them are. You can’t do whatever the hell you want with them and expect it all to work out like you want.”

Oh, that. Dodge had noticed the bruise, noticed how it matched the one on her other arm that he’d protected her from. He reached up to rub his face wincing as his hand passed over where Roach hit him. The skin was already tender, which meant it would swell and bruise. “I didn’t mean to hurt her. Not like that,” he said, though it lacked his typical candor and playful tone. “She wouldn’t listen. She was going to go down there, into the tunnels to find Pepper and I grabbed her so she’d listen,” Dodge said moving his hand like he was grabbing air. “She said I did on purpose?” That thought took the wind out of Dodge’s sails and he reached for the alley wall to lean against, resting heavily on it once he found it.

“‘Not like that’?” Roach echoed, staring at Dodge. “How did you mean to hurt her then?” Roach had spent two years of his life protecting Maddy in the orphanage, getting violently angry over every slight against her from the other kids, and the guard dog that he’d been then was raising its hackles. He and Maddy hadn’t been talking for weeks, but that didn’t mean he’d no longer felt protective of her. “She didn’t say it was on purpose. She didn’t have to. She did say that you hit a wall, right near her face. And that she was scared.”

“Not like anything. I wouldn’t hurt her. The others, she said she was fine with that, or with whatever. Just so long as I went back to her. And I did,” Dodge tried to explain but even to his own ears it sounded pathetic. “And yes, I punched the wall over her head. I was angry and you’d almost killed a guy, you’d hit Corey and she’d been an arrogant pain in the ass and not let me help her, and then Maddy starts talking about how she’s the only one who can calm you down. Not me, not even Corey, but Maddy. It just...it was like...” He trailed off not wanting to admit what he’d felt in that moment. Like he served no purpose. Like no matter how hard he held on to things the more they pulled away. Like everyone had some piece of Maddy, and everyone’s piece was far less complicated than his, far less frustrating. “I was just so damn angry. Angry at you especially and me and god knows what else. But I wasn’t going to hit her. I’d never hit her. Damnit, is that really what you two see when you look at me?” Dodge lulled his head back some, rolling his shoulders along the wall so he was leaning with his back against it, staring up at the sky. “She didn’t say anything. She just made me stay.”

“Honestly, Dodge? I don’t know what I see. Not anymore,” Roach said, leaning back against the opposite wall, his arms crossed tight over his chest. He looked away, his face tense, then looked back at his friend... although what they were now, after this, he didn’t know either. “I said it before, but you don’t see anything wrong with that? That she said it was okay, whatever the fuck you did was okay, as long as you didn’t abandon her. Of course she’d say anything to keep you from leaving her.” It made him even angrier, to think that Dodge had no idea of what was really going on, of what he was really doing to her, while he went off and did what he liked, without any concept at all of the pain he was actually causing. It made it worse, actually. At least if he was doing it maliciously, there would be acknowledgment, recognition. He just had blinders on. “But it’s not just about Maddy. It’s about everything, Dodge.”

Dodge winced again, not appreciating what he was hearing from Roach. “I didn’t look at it, “he finally admitted to the air above him, not looking at Roach. “She said she was fine, it was her idea so I went with it. I didn’t...I dunno,” he said, still feeling like every explanation, although it had made sense in his head, sounded stupid out loud. Reaching up he touched his cheek again, feeling the tender skin starting to swell. God that had hurt. “I dunno. I didn’t want it to be wrong. I don’t...I don’t get what happened with her and I. We changed, I changed, she changed. It was just unexpected I guess. That doesn’t matter though does it?” he asked dropping his eyes to Roach’s finally. “And what’s everything?” If Roach was going to punch him in the face he’d better give Dodge better answers than sweeping generalizations.

“Everything is you,” Roach said, throwing his hands up in the air. “You’re not the prince of thieves, Dodge, not really. You’re just an orphaned little street kid like the rest of us and you can’t keep acting like you’re king of everything. You’re seventeen, I’m seventeen, and everyone else is younger than us. They’re all children. You’re prince of a bunch of kids that, lately? You’ve been putting in really fucking dangerous situations. And they’ll do it too, just like Maddy will, to keep you interested in them. It’s fucked up, Dodge.” He shook his head, biting hard on his lower lip. “I know things weren’t good with Patrick either, but things still aren’t good.”

At the sound of Patrick’s name Dodge heard it, clearer this time than before, that laughter that was so familiar, though when he’d heard it when Patrick was alive, it had never been as malicious as it was now. “I don’t know how to do any better,” he admitted, though it was a lie. He could do better, he’d have to give up what he wanted, give up playing on the streets, flirting with girls and enjoying being himself. Take himself out of the picture and become the figure of the background, not the foreground. Dodge reached up, tugging the hat from his head and letting it fall to his side. “We’re not him Roach. He was an adult, you and me, were still kids. I don’t... damnit I’m trying, but I...” He had no idea how to fix it.

“You need to try harder,” Roach said, staring blankly at Dodge. “You’re not an adult, yeah, but if you want to run a bunch of kids, you’re going to have to be. This isn’t Oliver Twist, Dodge. Things aren’t going to work out just because you call yourself a prince and tell everybody the streets are yours. You’re not, they’re not, and you have to do things different before something goes wrong. Really wrong. You can’t run around, using the boys to chase girls around the city. You can’t disappear all day and all night when everybody is looking to you for guidance. You can’t fucking gang up on guys who are already sick as hell and call it a goddamn victory. Corey was right--this isn’t a game. These are real people. Just because you saved them all from Patrick doesn’t mean there aren’t other monsters in the world.”

What did I tell you boy? The words were whispered in his ear, and Dodge wasn’t sure if it was in his head or not. He was afraid to turn, worried he’d see Patrick’s face so close to his. Letting out a slow sigh, he brought a hand up over his face, hiding his eyes for a moment while he caught his breath. As much as he hated to admit it, Roach was right. And that stinging pain on his face was proof. He’d brought his friend to hitting him in the face. He’d gone that far. “That’s just it Roach, to be him, the prince of thieves, I have to give up being him. This is my life Roach, it’s been that way longer than it’s been yours. Outside of it? You’re Ethan. Outside of it? I don’t exist.” It was true, no one knew Dodge’s real name because he’d never been anything but.

“Then what’s you have to do,” Roach said, shaking his head. “You can’t be a character anymore. You want to be a real prince of thieves? You need to be a leader--a real leader. And if you don’t want to do it, then you have give the boys up to somebody who will.” For a moment, Roach was brought back to his own reality. Within Dodge’s group, he was Roach. He hadn’t been Roach until he’d met Dodge. And now that he was leaving (he had to, his things were already gone from the apartment) maybe he could be Ethan again. “Change your name even, if you have to. Give yourself something that Patrick didn’t give you first.”

Dodge slid his back along the wall, tossing the fedora away, so it fell close to Roach’s feet as he hit the ground below him. “I can’t give them up Roach, you know I can’t. I can’t...I don’t trust anyone else. I did once and I was wrong. Too wrong. And now look at them. Look at what I did to them, all of them.” He covered his head in his hands, elbow resting on his knees. “Who would I be? I’ve never been anyone else. I didn’t have a family, not like you, not like Maddy. I was just some unwanted get, no one knows who’s.” Dodge rarely talked about his history, rarely talked about who he was, where he’d come from, or where he hadn’t come from.

Roach crouched down too, elbows resting on his knees. “So what if we had a family before?” he said, ignoring the way his chest tightened up. “We don’t have one now, so really, the past doesn’t matter at all. What matters is the present. What’s that thing they say, the definition of insanity?” Roach rolled his eyes upward for a moment, thinking. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So you’ve gotta do something different. You were somebody before Patrick, weren’t you? You existed, no matter what you say. You can be somebody else after. Be yourself. Don’t be the Artful Dodger anymore. It’s not working, not as leader, not with Maddy or Jessie or anybody else.”

“I trusted him, so much. I spent years wishing he’d be my father. And then he...” Dodge choked on what came next, what Patrick had done. “I still see him. Hear him. Insanity isn’t doing the same thing over and over again it’s hearing fucking voices in your head and seeing ghosts.” He looked up at Roach again, a face there that wasn’t Dodge at all. “I can’t...you boys, you’re my family. I can’t leave you and yet at the same time I feel like I should.”

Roach frowned. Dodge hadn’t told him about that, being haunted by the ghost of Patrick. That was... that was pretty heavy. No wonder he couldn’t get his head around anything else. “Maybe you have to, Dodge. Everything you have now, it’s what Patrick helped you build. Maybe you need to start over. For your sake and for everyone else too. It isn’t just about you--if you want to lead, you need to... get your fucking head on straight first.”

“I’m...” Dodge wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t want to leave, but it felt like Roach was saying he should. “Your saying you want me to go?” It was the last thing he needed to hear right now, that he wasn’t needed at all, but if it was the truth, he doubted Roach was going to start lying to him now.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” Roach said, shaking his head. “I’m saying that you should do what you can do get yourself together before you try leading other people. You’re hearing voices, Dodge. Patrick’s voice. You gotta work that out before you’re in any place to lead anybody.” He shifted his jaw, looking away from Dodge. “Besides, I already moved my stuff out of the apartment.”

Dodge squinted at Roach as if what he said didn’t make sense. “So you’re telling me I have to get my shit in order, I can’t lead and then you’re fucking leaving?” There was something there not making sense. “Why would you....where would you go?”

Roach snorted, shaking his head. “It’s not like I can lead either. You don’t need me around to get your head on straight.” He sighed, letting his head thud back against the brick wall of the alley. “I’ll stay with Corey for a while, I guess. ‘Til I figure out something to do. Honestly, I didn’t think punching you in the face would go over so well.”

“Well it still fucking hurts if that’s what you’re asking,” Dodge said. “But I mean, you said I earned it. I would have done the same thing to you if you deserved it.” He smirked just a tad, a ghost of Dodge there. He reached up to touch his cheek again, testing the swelling with a wince. “Really hurts. I don’t want you to go. You can, if you feel like you should, but I’m not gonna throw you out or nothing.”

“You did,” Roach said seriously, though he still cracked a smile after a moment. Even after all of this, they were still friends and would always be friends. He hoped, anyway. Life had a tendency to get in the way like that. “I’m halfway out already. Maybe we all need a fresh start.”

Dodge nodded, albeit slowly. “They’re gonna ask about it, where you went. I can’t go telling them you beat my face in then left. Can’t really tell them you and I had some sort of girl tiff either.” He sighed a little, shaking his head. “I don’t want you to go Roach. I mean I get it. But...you can come back ya know. If you miss us or something.”

“Yeah.” Roach swallowed hard, looking down at his feet. He cared about the boys just like Dodge did, and it hurt to leave them. And maybe Dodge wasn’t kicking him out anymore but it didn’t mean that Dodge didn’t need a clean slate. Roach couldn’t be there to be his rock, not anymore. He needed to be his own rock now. “Like I’d miss you guys anyway.” He looked up again with a crooked grin. “Couldn’t fight your ways out of a paper bag without me.”

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Dodge said, meaning it. Just having Roach around gave them protection. People on the streets were afraid of him. Reaching around the other boy he snatched his hat off the ground, turning it around in his hands twice before setting it on his head. “So now what?”

“Now you figure out how to manage things that don’t involve the whole group needing a bodyguard,” Roach said, looking at Dodge with slightly raised eyebrows. “Besides that...” He shook his head, looking at Dodge with a small, sad smile. “I don’t know. That’s up to you now. You’re broken, Dodge. We all are. But broken people can’t lead more broken people. You’ve gotta fix yourself up first.”

“We’ve always been broken,” Dodge responded, shaking his head a little and standing, using the wall as he did so. “We’re gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss you,” he said, reaching out a hand to help Roach up.

“It’s not like I’m moving across the country,” Roach said, accepting the hand up, rising to his feet, a full head taller than Dodge. “I’m not sorry about your face, by the way, but I’m glad to see it helped.” He looked at Dodge with a grin--he’d been angry at the time, but it seemed to have dissipated mostly. Hopefully this would mean a new path for Dodge. He’d been confused but it didn’t excuse the things he’d done lately. Maybe now he could just... move on from them. Become someone else, if he followed through with what they’d discussed. Maybe they both could.

“Takes more than one punch to ruin this mug of mine,” he told Roach, with a smirk, despite it being sad. “Stay out of trouble, but...you know where to find me if you need anything.” Dodge gave his friend a small nod then shifted the fedora on his head pulling it low and heading out of the alley, though it was more of a trudge than the easy gait he usually had.

“Take your own advice for once,” Roach said, smirking back. He watched Dodge leave the alley then looked down at his feet with a sigh. That went... better than he’d expected. He only hoped that it had been worth something. He shoved his heads down into his pockets and left the alley from as well, heading back towards the tunnels. He likely had a very pissed off cat to get back to.