help for the helpless

And you're right, you do know me, that's exactly what I would say. That you doing what you're doing, you being who you are makes me feel better about the world. But I'd really rather you didn't start just accepting things the way they are, because once you do that, then you're done, aren't you. If there's nothing to go for, nothing to look forward to, or strive towards, then...you're where I was. Staring at a life that's got no direction, hoping that any light at the end of a tunnel is an oncoming train. It isn't a good place to be, and the last thing I want is for you to wind up there. And frankly, piss off with your little statement about things being better for me if you gave up your ideals. I don't care what's better for me. I care about what's better for you. Your beliefs keep you going, or they have so far. I understand right now it feels like it's all bullshit and all for nothing, but it isn't.

Besides, it's bullshit, half of what you're saying. For instance, no, people didn't die on your watch. It isn't as if you were standing guard, waiting for a killer to strike. You're entire role in the department is reactionary by definition. You aren't a guard, you're a fucking detective, and detectives come in after something's happened and hope to hell they can figure shit out before the next time. You didn't do it this time because, let's be clear here, Eric Martens is a brilliant fucking man, with military experience and know how. The idea that this should have been clearer or that anyone should have spotted it before now is pretty ludicrous at best. And apparently you only found out because he confessed, so what exactly in that is evidence that you've failed? He was a friend, so of course you didn't suspect him. If you did that it would make you a very shitty friend. It would be unreasonable for you to have suspected someone you trusted. Maybe he even did it because then you wouldn't suspect him. It's one of the very first cons you learn when you're picking up how to play someone--become their new best friend. It's what whores do with marks, they become the fantasy. It's the very basics of manipulation, and the reason it's the base line of things is because it works. You weren't ignoring the obvious, you were being a person with real feelings and friends. Not exactly a crime there, detective. Add all of this together, and that makes you a victim here, not some failure. You aren't the first person to not see someone for who they are, you won't be the last. It's the human condition, not your fault. Quit acting like it is.

Now let's talk about how it's utter crap that you'd compare what we did with the O'Malleys and what Eric's responsible for. You call it semantics, I call it an entire world of difference. Yes, the details count in this, Brett. We set people up, and we thought they'd pay a hefty price and they did. But we didn't know they would. Things could have shaken out very, very differently. And setting someone up is not remotely the same as actually being there and killing someone directly. I read the papers, what The Tyger did seems like it was pretty in depth and graphic, monstrous in nature. It isn't the same thing as putting someone in the line of fire, and trust me, I would know. I've done both, haven't I. I'll put it to you another way. It's like the difference between lying by omission and telling a falsehood. As someone who put his career and life on the line by treading back and forth with that, you know there's a difference. Someone on the other end could view the end result as the same, but they aren't. Not really. So yes, it's better. What we did wasn't hunting people down and splashing their blood all over our shoes. It's always going to be different.

You didn't bury yourself, and you didn't fuck up. You were after someone with the advantage, plain and simple. And these events don't change the past, or anything you've done in the past. You still pulled people out of a burning building, to the detriment of your life. You risked yourself, and I know you. You would again, no matter how down you are right now about things. It isn't what people say that makes you a hero, it's what you've done and who you are. It's the fact that you did throw yourself into your job again, and you are upset that you didn't catch the bad guy fast enough. That you blame yourself for people who've died. You keep trying to say you aren't that guy, but you keep proving you are, you know. You never help your own case, even when you think you've got a lock on the argument.

You've done terrible things. I'm aware. You carry all of that close to your heart, won't let yourself let it go. Actions and people aren't the same thing. Actions make up people. You've done terrible things, but you aren't a terrible person. One does not equal the other. The whole picture is far more complicated than that, and you probably know that, you're just ignoring it at the moment. A terrible person is someone who does terrible things then never thinks about them later. A terrible person is someone who gets pleasure out of the pain and suffering of others. Last I checked, you didn't fit that criteria, and nothing from your letters indicates it's changed.

Reality isn't static. It isn't some painting, where you see what you see, and that's it. If you're looking at reality like that, you're never going to get it right. It's a fluid, subjective thing. Once upon a time, reality involved the world being flat. Or dragons, or gods that threw lightning. People used to drill holes in their skulls to let the demons out. That was reality to them. Reality to you is what you decide it is. If you want Brett Land to be a place full of darkness and despair, to be nothing but futility and failure, for nothing to matter, then that's what it's going to be. If you want to be the villain (despite being surrounded by true ones) then that's what you're giong to be. To you. When I look at you I see someone else entirely. I see a different world than you do. I won't say it's a shiny place, or anything, but it's gotten better than when you last spoke to me. And for someone who was in as low a place as I was, that's saying something.

The world sucks, but it's only as sucky as you let it be for you. You're not delusional, Brett. You just want it to be a better place. Start on a smaller scale. Change one thing for the better in your world. Just your world. Where it only pertains to you and your world view. Maybe after that you can start tackling everyone else's endless piles of bullshit, but start there first.