the holes in our hearts

who: Maddy and Roach
where: Fontaine Park
when: Late morning

Roach wasn’t doing well. He’d hit Corey and he’d nearly killed a man, and he was still swimming in all of the emotions that had been churned up by it all. He had been furious at Charlie, furious at him for stealing Pepper away and very likely killing her, but he hadn’t known Pepper that well. He hadn’t been close with her. He shouldn’t have been that angry. That morning... it had a lot more to do with him than with Pepper and he knew that. He’d nearly killed the guy and it hadn’t even been for the right reasons.

Dodge had told him to stay away from Corey, and the plan was for all of them to meet up that night, but it had still only been a few hours since the fight and there was a whole day left to sit and think about what had happened... then and six years ago. What had happened to him and what he’d done to others...

He’d gone to Fontaine Park, planting himself underneath a small bridge that covered a shallow stream. He’d washed the blood off of his hands and his nose, but both were still bruised, blood still crusted under his fingernails and in the creases around his nose. He’d gone here with Maddy sometimes, before things got... bad. But he hadn’t spoken with Maddy in weeks--there wouldn’t be any reason for her to come there. It would be just him and his thoughts and the dark, hundred-yard-stare on his face, all day long.

Dodge had been sleeping still when Maddy woke up again and she looked down at him for a long time, thinking about everything that had happened. She looked at his swollen hand, then at the door, hearing Pepper’s voice in her head. Hearing Roy’s. Her throat felt tight and she felt small and trapped all of a sudden behind her locked door.

Leaving him alone there was a bad idea but Maddy didn’t care. She couldn’t breathe, she needed to get out. Leaving him a note, she left, not worried about him stealing keys. He didn’t know where they were anyway.

When had things gotten to this point? How had they gotten to this point?

Guilt was coursing through every fiber of her being as she walked the crowded streets, past painters and jugglers and vendors and crowds, looking for the impossibly tall boy she’d known for years. She may not have talked with him much the past couple of weeks, but it didn’t mean she wasn’t going to look for him, not after what had happened, and after scanning the surrounding area, she headed deep into Fontaine, to where they’d go from time to time, back in the early days. And that’s where Maddy found Roach, sitting on the damp bank and staring into nothing.

Maddy wasn’t able to say anything, even though she’d planned to. She was only able to stand there blocking the morning light and casting him in as much shadow as her smaller frame possibly could. Oh, Ethan... she thought, taking in the state of him. How...

How did it get all messed up?

Roach sat there for a while, swaying just slightly, silent and barely blinking. He shifted, apparently slipping out of whatever net of thoughts he’d been stuck in and flinched, hard, looking up at whoever was casting the shadow on him. When he saw that it was Maddy, he seemed to crumple even further before he caught himself.

Maddy... he’d missed her so much. They used to be the closest of friends, but now she hated him. He’d done something--what he’d done he didn’t know--and now he was such an asshole, such the scum of the goddamn earth that she hadn’t even felt comfortable telling him that she was uncomfortable around him. She’d had to tell Dodge. And now she was Dodge’s girl, or so he’d said. He couldn’t believe that Dodge had said Maddy was okay with it, that as long as he came back to her she didn’t care where or who he was with. But that was between them... Maddy had made it clear his presence made her uncomfortable now, so he did his best to stay out of it all.

“Sorry,” he murmured, picking himself off of the bank. “I’ll go.” He didn’t look at her, either, as he started to head off in the opposite direction so he wouldn’t have to walk past her, just away from her.

“Don’t!” Maddy said, taking a step forward to follow him. She saw the state of him, he shouldn’t be walking away from her. She hated that he was walking away from her and god, she was tired of it. She was tired of seeing his back. He’d acknowledged her presence at least and Maddy held onto that with both hands and wasn’t going to let it go. “Ethan, please!” She screwed up. Fuck, it was so glaring and all she needed was to see that happening right there to confirm it.

There was a note in Maddy’s voice that made him stop where otherwise he might have kept going. She’d called him Ethan, too. Maddy was the only person who called him Ethan. Dodge had known his real name when they first met, but it had been quickly replaced. He was Roach now, but with Maddy he was still Ethan. Except there wasn’t any “with Maddy” anymore. He had never known what to do with himself around her, feeling too big and oafish next to her, and he especially didn’t know what to do around her now. They had always been close friends, but then Dodge told him--in their usual joking way--to back off from her, and now she was Dodge’s girl, now Dodge was stringing her along... things were different. But he couldn’t say no to her. He paused, turning halfway to look at her, his shoulders hunched and his hands deep in his pockets. He hadn’t talked to her in weeks, had only seen her briefly in passing and at a distance. The last he’d known, she hadn’t been like this. What had happened in the last month?

Maddy opened her mouth, trying to figure out what to say. What could she say? Hi, long time, no see, I heard you got beat up and beat on some girl? or Hi, I’m stupid, I’m sorry or Hi, I’m involved in some weird way with your best friend and now things are going to be awkward no matter what. Joy. Ethan was looking at her kind of oddly, but Maddy couldn’t be sure if that was because his nose was probably broken or if he was just... looking at her oddly.

“Come back?” she asked, scuffing her toe in the damp earth under the bridge. She felt like she’d been saying that a lot lately. “I’m... I wanted to take a look at you. I brought pain pills... please?”

“I’m all right,” Roach said, his hands still deep in his pockets. He wasn’t the one who was probably badly hurt, he wasn’t the one who would need painkillers. He knew he fucked Corey up bad, he’d felt something break when he hit her. He didn’t move away, though, but still stood there a few paces back from her, trying to look as non-threatening as possible.

“No, you aren’t, Eth,” Maddy protested gently, coming closer and looking up at him, out of the sunlight now and into the darkness of the bridge. I've known him since I was eight years old. You get to know someone pretty well when it's just the two of you stuck together. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you.” There was no doubt that she’d hurt him. The way he stood was certainly due to his ribs, but she knew the way he spoke, the way he looked at her, it was because she had hurt him. “Let me make it better.”

“I’m sorry,” Roach said. He didn’t say she hadn’t hurt him because that would be lying. He’d been hurt. He was still hurt. But it was his fault. “I don’t know what I did to make you... to make you so uncomfortable around me you didn’t even want to tell me to back off yourself. I’m sorry I’m so awful. I didn’t ever want to make you feel like that. I was supposed to be different and I was exactly the same and I didn’t even know it. I only ever wanted to keep you safe, Maddy, and I couldn’t even do that... that’s my fault.” He took a few steps back from her, keeping a safe distance between them. Maddy couldn’t get too close--she might get hurt.

She flinched and looked away from him so maybe he couldn’t see but she hadn’t looked away in time. Her arms came around herself and sighed. “I fucked up. I’m sorry,” she said again. “I was stupid and a bad friend and I thought...” What had she thought? What exactly had she wanted? Was she getting it? No, she wasn’t. Not even close. It had been... complicated and unfair and hadn’t come out right at all. “It wasn’t...” she sighed and looked up at the bottom of the bridge, trying to think back to that day. How everything had gotten all weird and different and ended up where they were now. “It was never supposed to be meant that way or done that way. You make me feel safe. I don’t...” She didn’t feel safe anymore, did she?

Roach saw that flinch and it made his chest hurt. Maddy was terrified of him and he’d hurt Corey bad and he was just... he was barely even fucking human, wasn’t he? Barely different from that fucker who’d killed his family. He’d nearly killed a man himself today. The line wasn’t as thick as he thought and he was on the wrong side of it. “You don’t what?” Roach asked, voice small. I don’t feel safe around you anymore... that had to be it.

“I want to go back to the way things were before I was stupid. I want off the ride. It isn’t what I thought it was going to be,” she babbled in that way of hers when she was upset and scared but she took another step forward, showing him that she wanted to be closer. “He just got so angry when I asked if you were okay. I was so worried about you.” She looked at Ethan, blinking rapidly. God, Dodge had been furious. So furious. You? It has to be you doesn't it? Why you? Why do I have to share you with everyone? “I don’t know what to do and I wanted to protect you, because I thought... I thought he might like me and you have it so good, Ethan, and I didn’t want you to lose that but he h-hit -- and I don’t know what to d-do and I want off. I w-want my Ethan back and I-I want everything no-normal and I’m s-sorry.” Her breath was hitching and hiccup-y and she wrapped her arms around her tighter. It was all a mess and it was confusing and she was scared and her arm hurt and she just wanted to wind back the clock to where things were okay. Where Roy wasn’t always yelling at her and she wasn’t a fucking doormat and Pepper had warned her, hadn’t she?

Pepper had warned her.

The moment Maddy said “he got so angry” was the moment another switch in Roach got turned on for the second time that day. He straightened up, that deadened look on his face sharpening with intent. He took a step towards her, not close enough for them to touch but closer than he’d been. “Who got so angry, Maddy?” he said. Watching her cry like that, watching her obviously be hurt over something started a tide in him. It wasn’t as intense, as overflowing as it had been that morning, but it was big nevertheless. This was Maddy. This was the girl he’d spent two years of his life beating the shit out of other kids and being constantly punished for. “He hit what? Was it Dodge? Did Dodge hit you?” He had told Dodge that morning in the bathroom that what he was doing wasn’t right. He’d told Dodge that he had better not fucking break Maddy’s heart. If he’d broken worse than that...

Maddy shook her head furiously. “He g-grabbed me the other day but he hasn’t hit me yet,” she told him, not realizing that she’d said ‘yet’. It hadn’t been conscious. She sniffled a bit, trying to clear her nose and ran her hands through her hair, trying to straighten the knotty waves tumbling around her shoulders. “Dodge did. I don’t know what to do anymore. It... he’s never... I’ve never seen him like this? I mean, I know he was probably reeling from the fight but...” she shook her head and took a step towards him, encouraged. “He hit the door above my head. I thought he might’ve hit me. He was so angry, Ethan.” She looked up at him and wiped her eyes, getting her bearings. “I knew.... I knew that stuff was gonna get complicated but we haven’t talked in weeks.” There was a pained sound in her voice when she said that. How much she missed him. “And yet he was so angry...” She’d calmed him down but still... “I want things to go back to normal and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m so sorry. I want my best friend back.” The one she’d clung to for so long. The one who protected her, the one she’d crawl into bed with even if it got them in trouble. “I don’t like this. I don’t and Pepper she told me and I just...” She swallowed tightly and sniffled again. “Can I please take care of you? Please?” This wasn’t about her. None of this was meant to be about her. She was here to take care of him if he’d let her.

“Yet?” Roach’s eyebrow rose, the same expression he had on his face when a tearful ten year-old Maddy told him about a boy who had pulled her hair in the yard. “He grabbed you? Maddy. Tell me what happened. Now.” Roach had hit someone too today, but it had been an accident. He hadn’t meant to. From the way it sounded... there wasn’t anything accidental about this at all. He ignored Maddy’s request to care for him. His nose might have been broken and his hands ached but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that Maddy felt safe, was unhurt, would stop crying.

Fuck, she thought as she looked at the look on his face. She didn’t even need that. The sound in his voice was enough to know that things were messed up now and there was no going back. “I’m not here to talk about that,” she said tightly. “I’m here to take care of you. You don’t even have to forgive me. I’ll stay away if you want me to. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you think I don’t like you or something like that.” She felt confused and tired and she sort of sunk down to her knees in the dirt, bag making a heavy sound beside her as it thumped down.

Roach followed Maddy onto the ground, crouching down near her. He was momentarily distracted by her suddenly taking things in a different direction, but he’d get back to it. Nobody hurt Maddy as long as he was around to help it. Not even Dodge. “I don’t want you to stay away, Maddy... I never wanted you to stay away. I just... I just did what I thought would be better for you. Dodge basically told me that... that I made you uncomfortable and I should back off. He didn’t say it outright but I knew it’s what he meant... so I did. I left you alone because I didn’t want to be someone else you were... scared of.”

She listened quietly, reaching out to grab his knee. Needing that touch, that contact. “I thought he liked me. I didn’t want to complicate it and I’m sorry I didn’t have the guts to say it to you myself.” She shook her head and looked up at him behind the messy curtain of hair. “Things have gotten so messed up. I tried to walk away. I was going to. I swore I was going to but Dodge was so upset and I couldn’t...” That was the thing about Maddy. She may be bratty and flighty and selfish, but she cared about her friends. She cared about them so deeply and seeing anyone in pain hurt her. “I just want to go back in reverse before everything happened.”

Roach looked down at the hand on his knee, still feeling tense and anxious. He had spent weeks thinking that he needed to keep his distance from Maddy for her sake, because she felt unsafe around him, because she didn’t want him. It was hard to replace that with the reality he was looking at now. “Is that why he hit a wall?” Roach said, getting that hot, angry look on his face again. “Because you tried to leave?”

Maddy shook her head. “No. He was at my place when I came back. I was sick for a few days and I guess everyone was looking for me?” She needed to go see the McKinnon’s again. Pay them back for their kindness. But that was neither here nor there. “And I was going to tell him that things... he beat up Roy while Roy was sick. And I was trying to talk to him about it. About how I’m not a doll and he was just so upset and he was looking for me and I couldn’t,” Maddy trailed off and looked at his face. She reached up, touching her fingertips to the creases in his forehead, wanting to smooth them away. “I put a lock on my door cause I don’t want what happened to Pepper to happen to me. He was mad about it. Thought it was to lock him out. And then he got mad because.... because I got mad at him for not helping you right. That when you get angry, you can’t just go up and that I could do it. And he just... he just flipped. He was ranting about having to share me, how it had to ‘fucking be me’ and all that.”

Roach rocked his jaw from side to side, teeth grinding, looking away from Maddy. There was a tension on him that Maddy would recognize. Dodge had gotten that angry about having to share Maddy, so angry that he’d hit a wall, that he’d scared her? He got angry about sharing Maddy when he was the one running off with Jessie James, with Evelyn from the Drake, when he thought that kind of behavior was okay because it was “different” with JJ. Roach had already thought what he was doing to Maddy was cruel and thoughtless, but this was so far beyond that. He was so blind to his own hypocrisy and now he was taking it out on Maddy. “And he grabbed you?” Roach said, shaking his head, looking at Maddy, his face tight. “When was that?”

And oh, she knew that look. She knew and she was hating herself for saying it, but it felt good, too. Relief coursing through her saying how upset she was. “It doesn’t matter. Forget it. Don’t... don’t mess this up on my account,” she begged, because that had been the reasons in the first place, hadn’t it? Her and Dodge may not have been together, but she knew that her and Ethan... what was there was going to drive Dodge up the wall. “God, you know how Dodge is. You know him better than anyone, don’t you?” Just like how he knew her better than anyone. “You have a good life. You’ve got a family there and I don’t want to ruin that for you.” She knew things with Dodge were heading down a road that, had stuff continued with Ethan, would very likely come to a head between the two and Maddy couldn’t be the reason for something like that. Had things been heading down a road with Ethan too? Had there been a fear there? She had never, ever been afraid of Ethan. “Please, Ethan.” He knew she knew what that look mean and she reached up with both her hands to cup his face gently, mindful of the bruising.

“I can’t just forget it,” Roach said, reaching up and grasping Maddy’s small wrists in his hands, gently pulling them away. “Families don’t fucking hurt each other. You’re not supposed to be scared of your family. With everything that Dodge has been doing lately, and now this, now hurting you, scaring you... I don’t want him as family anymore.” He swallowed hard, though his expression didn’t budge. Dodge was his best friend, Dodge and Patrick had saved his life. Dodge had been his family for years now, him and the boys, and it hurt him to say it but it was true. He wasn’t the Dodge he knew, and with the way he was treating Maddy? It was more obvious than ever. Just admitting to it felt like cutting of a limb, but if the limb was infected...

He looked down, catching the edges of a bruise on Maddy’s arm. Alarmed, he pushed her sleeves up, his look darkening. “Is this where he grabbed you?”

“The yellow-y one is from this fucker in an alley the other day,” Maddy said quietly, watching the look on his face shift in various forms of anger. And yet there wasn’t anything to indicate that she should be nervous for her own well-being. Dodge’s hand print on her arm was around her elbow, fresh and dark against the milky white of her skin. “I was being stupid. I was going to go looking for Pepper in the tunnels. And don’t say that,” she said desperately, really not wanting to hear him say that. “He needs us. He’ll be alone and I don’t want that.” Alone was scary but then... she was ending up alone, wasn’t she? Roy, well, things were getting worse there. Pepper was gone... And she’d picked Dodge over Ethan, hadn’t she? Oh, fuck, she had, hadn’t she? Her eyes got big as she looked down at his hands on her arms, realizing that oh god, that’s exactly what she’d done and a little sob escaped her throat. He’d probably think it was because of the bruises, but she’d done a terrible thing. Such a terrible, terrible thing.

Roach scowled at the bruise, very distinctly hand-shaped. Maddy bruised easily, but he’d had to have grabbed her hard for it to be this dark, for him to have left a hand on her arm. “That doesn’t give him the right to hurt you,” Roach said darkly. “He kidnapped you before and that wasn’t right either, but he could have done that instead. You don’t hurt people you love in anger. Not on purpose.” Roach looked down and away, annoyed at himself. He had hit Corey, his close friend, the one person who knew him better than even Maddy--he hadn’t meant to but he had, so he wasn’t absolved from his own condemnation either. He hesitated a moment (still convinced that Maddy wouldn’t want to be close to him) before grasping her shoulders, gently. “He doesn’t need you, Maddy. If he needed you, you’d be the only girl he’s interested in. If he needed you he wouldn’t hurt you, he’d treat you better. I don’t... I don’t want to leave him alone either, but I’m not going to let him hurt the people I love.”

It hurt. It hurt deep inside her chest to hear him say that and she leaned forward and rested her forehead against his shoulder. She smelled like honeysuckle, having washed her hair at the club the night before and her hands lifted up to rest on the crooks of his arms. Just a little closer, like how it used to be. “I’m so stupid,” she muttered. Her hands gripped his arms a little tighter, unable to say that she loved him back. Not during this. “I should’ve stopped it and I didn’t.” She was so scared of losing people. And Dodge had walked away once. Why was she giving him all the high cards in this game?

Roach noticed how nice she smelled, how nice it felt to have her close again, like they used to be. But it wasn’t appropriate, not now, not with what they were talking about. He didn’t move away though, letting her hold onto him if she needed it. “You’re not stupid, and it’s not your fault,” he said. “Dodge should have stopped, he should have known that what he’s done, what he’s still, isn’t right. But it’s like he doesn’t even get it.” Roach still couldn’t believe how he’d had to explain it to Dodge, how he’d had to tell Dodge to stop doing what he was doing, like it wasn’t completely oblivious. “He’s just... he’s been different lately, and it’s been getting worse. And if he’s hurt you, it... it has to stop.”

Maddy nodded her head against his shoulder. “Is it my fault?” she asked and pulled her head back but she still held onto his arms. “Did I do something that made him act like this?” She frowned, worry lines between her brows. “I mean, I don’t think it’s my fault he was being a total jerk but did I do something to make him act weird?” Had she done something? Had this whole situation could’ve been avoided if she had done something differently?

Roach shook his head immediately. “No, it’s not your fault. He did what he did because he wanted to. You’re not to blame.” Roach swallowed, looking away again. “Things have been hard for him ever since Patrick... maybe things started there. He’s never been this bad. Maybe it’s too much for him. Maybe that whole prince of thieves thing is really getting to his head. I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell he’s thinking anymore.”

She nodded again and pulled away properly, letting go and standing up, although there wasn’t much height difference between them both being on the ground. She turned away and ran her hands through her hair and shut her eyes. “I’m not a doll,” she said, sounding broken and angry and frustrated. “I’m not a doll and I keep telling him but I don’t know if he’s listening.” Maddy looked back at him over her shoulder, frowning. “I’m not a doll, right? I’m a real girl?”

“You’re not a doll. You’re as real as anybody.” Roach stood up, a good foot and some change taller than Maddy. But even with his nose busted and his hands sore, he didn’t seem threatening. Not towards Maddy. Never towards Maddy. He did scowl at the thought of Maddy being treated like an object--and she was, if Dodge thought he could stick her on a shelf and she’d stay there, while he ran off and chased after Evie and JJ and whoever else--but he didn’t say anything more on Dodge. He didn’t know how much she knew and he didn’t want to be the one to drop that news on her head. “I always hated that fucking nickname,” he muttered, looking at Maddy. It was the women at the orphanage who’d started it, keeping Maddy from being adopted, from going to a good, loving family where she could have been spared all of this.

“But if I want to be someone’s girl, if I wanna belong to someone, is that just enabling it?” she asked, because it was confusing and frustrating. It was hard to figure out because for as long as she could remember, she’d always was kind of ‘owned’ by someone. “To be wanted. Is it wrong? Is it letting people think I’m a doll?” Maddy turned fully to look at him, the way he was standing there all bruised and bloody and she bit her lip, hard. She thought about what he’d gone through and thought about his friendship with Corey. Had it been with Dodge, she’d feel flares of jealousy but with Ethan... there was still the bit of jealousy but she didn’t feel threatened. She knew that she wasn’t, well, stuff was complicated between them now, it seemed. Was she ‘it’ anymore? She told Dodge she wasn’t.

Roach looked down at Maddy, biting down on his own lip. “Yes,” he said, after a moment, though it was hard to criticize Maddy. “You can’t own people. Being wanted is different than being someone’s property. You’re your own person and you can’t let other people control you. We’re people and we live with people and you’re going to have to share no matter who it is. Nobody has a claim on you. Nobody should.” He thought about how ill he had felt when Dodge had announced that Maddy was his girl. “If you love somebody... just loving them should be enough. Why make it conditional? Why put a leash on it?”

She didn’t answer immediately and just spent the time turning over the words in her head. It sounded lonely at first, but it sorta made sense. It was just kind of foreign. And she thought about what he said about conditions. Why you would do that. “It sounds scary, sorta. Without knowing what you’re getting into.” She grimaced and crossed her arms. Talking about relationships. Maddy felt like she shouldn’t be doing this. “Can I clean you up now?” she begged, wanting to get off the damn subject.

“Yeah, it is scary,” Roach said, shrugging. He furrowed his brow slightly, thinking back, thinking way back to when he had a family, when they’d talk about normal things, live a normal life. “But... I think that’s kind of the point. It starts off scary and then... you make something beautiful out of it. I guess.” Roach didn’t know. As huge as he was, girls never seemed to notice him--it had never been brought up. “I’m fine, Maddy.” He stuck his swollen hands in his pocket. “I don’t need to be taken care of.”

Maddy crossed her arms over her chest and gave him one of her Looks that meant that she wasn’t being fooled and she wasn’t amused. She raised her eyebrows up for emphasis and pursed her lips. “I came looking for you because I was worried about you. I know what happens. Let me do this, please.”

“Okay, okay,” Roach said, putting his hands up when he got that Look. He knew what it meant. He sat down again so she could reach him better, resting his hands on his drawn-up knees. His nose was red and swollen and bruised but wasn’t crooked, so it likely wasn’t broken. On his hands the bruises were darkest around his fingers, where the metal nuts had been crushed against his hands with each punch he’d thrown. His back and shoulders were badly bruised too, but those were hidden under his shirt. “There’s nothing to really clean up. It’s just bruises.”

Out of her bag came a flask and a little container of pills which she handed over. “There’s this though,” she said, coming over to him and kneeling on the ground beside him. “It’s help with the pain and the swelling.” She grabbed an apple out of the bag too once he took the flask from her. “Eat this too. I can cut it to pieces if you want.” There was the swelling and the bruising and it might prove difficult to eat whole.

“Did you eat today?” Roach asked, giving Maddy a Look of his own. “Cut it in half,” he said, knowing she’d avoid the question as much as possible. “I’ll take one half, you take the other.” He looked down at the container of pills, giving it a little shake. He hurt, but it wasn’t that bad--he’d definitely dealt with worse. “Can I... hold on to these?” he said, looking at Maddy with his brows furrowed, that bedraggled look on his face again. “I think... I think I broke Corey’s ribs. When I... hit her. She’d need it more than I do.”

Maddy didn’t answer the question about eating but she did about the pills. “They’re yours. I shouldn’t need them.” She winced when he spoke about Corey and she looked down at the apple as she carefully started cutting it with her switchblade. “Let me know what she needs and I’ll get it. Do you want me to come down with and help?” she offered and passed a slice to him. “I’ve got my ways.” Her lips quirked a little mischievously. It was easier for her to go shoplift things than it was for him, anyway.

“Thanks,” Roach said, smiling weakly at her and sliding the container into his pocket. He took the apple slice from her, biting it in half and wincing a little. His face hurt. “I’ll let you know,” he said, giving her another small smile before it faded and he looked down at the ground. “I just... I don’t know when I’ll get them to her. I... I hit her so hard, Maddy. I felt it. I’m probably the last person she wants to see right now and I don’t blame her one fucking bit.”

“I could’ve cut it smaller,” she told him although it was too late now. He already realized that his face hurt. She patted one of his knees and nodded to the container. “I’d go see her soon,” she told him mildly. “Make sure she’s okay. Or I can go down for you, but I think she’d want to see you.” She exhaled slowly and ran her hand through his hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” she said softly.

“I’m glad you weren’t there,” Roach said immediately. He looked up at Maddy, then looked away again, grimacing. There had been a whole hell of a lot of violence there, a lot of people hurt, a lot of blood. And Roach himself, at his absolute worst. “I don’t think I would have stopped until there wasn’t anything left. I wasn’t even thinking anymore, I just... I had to hurt him. It wasn’t like at the orphanage, Maddy. It was worse than that... I wouldn’t want you to have seen me like that.” It might have made her actually scared of him, if she wasn’t afraid before.

Maddy wished they had been killed for what they did to Pepper but she didn’t want Ethan to kill someone. She didn’t want that kind of blood on his hands. “Well, we already know that I’m pretty stupid and I don’t know what you’d have to do to scare me,” she said quietly, wryly, thinking that maybe that might be what he could have been worry about. “I’m just sorry that I couldn’t be there for you. I’m sorry I haven’t been there these weeks. But I want to be there again.” She bit her lip and held onto his arm again.

“You’re not stupid,” he said again, frowning at Maddy. “Quit saying that.” He looked down at the hand she’d put on his arm, biting down hard on his lower lip. “No, it’s my fault. I was avoiding you, I thought that you... that you just didn’t want to be around me anymore. But maybe if I was, maybe he wouldn’t have hurt you. Maybe things wouldn’t have happened like this.”

“I feel stupid,” she protested, albeit weakly. “No, it’s not your fault. You thought I wanted you away and I should’ve talked to you. That’s what we do. We talk.” She stressed it very much because Maddy considered herself someone who didn’t talk about things and for many things, she didn’t, but she did talk. She talked to Roy and Pepper and Ethan. Her and Dodge rarely actually talked. Ever, really. It was also avoidance. “I miss talking with someone and not being afraid that what I’ll say will make them leave again.”

“The only thing that would make me go away is you saying you wanted me to go away,” Roach said, looking earnestly at Maddy. He meant it. He knew far too much about her fear of abandonment to do that to her and besides, he wanted her in his life. She meant a lot to him and it was important that was there, that she was safe, that she was as happy as she could be. He’d thought she was happy with Dodge but she wasn’t... and now he was going to do what he could to correct that. It’s what he did. He’d done it before Dodge and he would do it to Dodge if things got to that point. “If you want me to stay by you, Maddy, that’s what I’m going to do. But if you don’t... I’ll do that too.”

Maddy shook her head furiously, her hand on his arm gripping tighter. “I don’t wanna lose you again. I don’t want you to leave. Nope. I’m not going to let you and I don’t care if it sounds hypocritical, it’s how I feel.” She’d been all askew since they’d drifted but he was close enough that she could reach for his hand again. “Somedays I think we really should have hitched the ride with the circus.” Her laugh was a little choked but at least it was real. “Instead I feel like a whore and I work at the fucking Kitten Club and you’re getting to mental places you don’t want to be. Ringling Brothers would’ve been so much easier, Ethan.” They’d talked about it and what their jobs would be. He’d be a lion tamer and she’d be an acrobat. “Maybe we should run away. What do you think?” She didn’t mean it, but in that moment it felt like a nice idea.

“You’re not a whore, don’t you fucking say that. You’re not and you never will be.” He looked at her firmly, making sure he’d drilled his point in before allowing himself to smile. The circus, huh? Their lives really would have been easier if they’d run away when they were kids. Certainly not careful, because surely even the Ringling Brothers had their own set of problems, but simpler, definitely. “Let’s do it,” he said, smiling weakly at her. He was kidding, indulging in the fantasy.. “Next time the circus rolls into town, we’ll hitch a ride on the elephants.”

She felt like one. She felt like a whore who wasn’t getting paid. And that definitely showed on her face for a good minute before she moved on from it and returned his smile with a small one of her own. “Ride the elephants outta town, huh? I’ve never climbed one.” She probably could but she’d never seen an elephant outside of a picture. Pursing her lips, Maddy glanced away for a moment, wanting to just get back to the whole reason why she came looking for him. “Was it the bad memories in your head?” she asked quietly, focusing on her hand on his arm so he didn’t feel like she was staring him down or something. He’d never come outright and said what had happened before the orphanage, but Maddy wasn’t stupid. Bad things happening to her meant she was able to recognize some of the signs in him. It was just one of those things where she was pretty sure he knew she’d had an inkling, and just did for him what she could. And she was never going to push him on that. Never.

“They can just pull you up with their trunks, like a rope,” Roach said, his smile growing slightly. But when Maddy brought up that morning and what he’d done, the smile dropped like a ton of bricks and he looked away. He was quiet for a few moments before finally exhaling slowly and nodding, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Yeah,” he said, his voice quiet and yet slightly rough. “I just... I got so angry. This guy who’d hurt a kid, just carried her off. She was probably so fucking scared. You’re not supposed to hurt kids. They’re just fucking kids... but he did, and he didn’t care that he had. And he’d do it again too, go out and ruin somebody else’s life, kill somebody else’s family...” Roach shook his head, pressing the balls of his hands against his temples, hard. “Fuck, no, that’s not right... he didn’t kill anybody’s family, it just... it got all mixed up in my head.”

Maddy was quiet as he spoke, recognizing the frustration and distress and her hand started stroking the crook of his elbow. Usually she’d wrap her arms around him, but that was too much and too fast. Maddy was tired of doing things fast, so she just settled on the arm stroking. “Pepper was my family,” she said softly. “She was our family, not the one under the bridge. She had people who cared about her and he took her away.” And that was the reason for the lock. At least then she’d have time if someone finally decided to come after her. Maddy didn’t say anything about wanting to punish the people under the bridge. That thought had really scared her and she didn’t want to bring it up, not when this was about Ethan. “Corey saw how you were,” she pointed out softly. “She made that decision to come at you when you were like that. It’s not your fault and I’m sure she doesn’t blame you.” Maddy may not know Corey well, but she knew that her and Ethan were friends. For Maddy though, it was common sense that when you were a helluva lot smaller than the guy, you didn’t go after them when they were in a rage. Not unless you knew for sure and Corey couldn’t have possibly known. Not if Ethan had lashed out at her.

Roach dropped his hands and looked at Maddy, an utterly miserable look on his face. It was the same expression he’d had when she first found him under the bridge, except somehow worse now, since it was present, it was in the forefront of his mind and he had to talk about it. “Did she, though? Did she really? Maddy, I hit her... I hit her so fucking hard, I didn’t even know it... I didn’t even know she was there until it was too late. I probably broke her ribs and she has to get around down in the tunnels and now she can’t and... shit, how can she even forgive me after that? How can she even look at me?”

“Hey!” Maddy said sharply and shifted around to get on her knees and gently cup his face, giving him some sort of contact so he’d keep looking at her and not look away as she said this. “I’m not saying that it’s her fault. I’m not saying what happened was okay. What I’m saying is that any street kid worth their salt knows about hazes. You are a big guy, okay?” She looked down at his bruised knuckles, at the strange markings there. Brass knuckles, maybe? “Corey really should’ve let Dodge and the other guys handle it. But do you hear yourself? You didn’t know. You were in one of your hazes, Ethan.” And Maddy knew to varying degrees how that got, even if he hadn’t beaten men to bloody pulps in front of her, she still knew how he got. And part of Maddy wondered if her judgment was suspect. If it was one of those things where she was trying to pass it off. Was her head on straight? Maybe not. “Okay? It was an accident. And if she can’t forgive you for it, well, I don’t know, but she was there. She saw how you were and she approached you anyway.”

“Yeah...” Roach said, meeting her eyes before he couldn’t anymore, and lowered them, looking away again. He knew what Maddy was saying, that he was in a red haze, that Corey didn’t know how bad it was, but regardless of the circumstances, it had still happened and it shouldn’t have. Regardless of how sorry he was, of how he hadn’t meant it, Corey was still hurt, very likely hurt badly. “I fucked up,” he said, voice low, swallowing a hard lump in his throat. Roach didn’t cry, he never cried, he just looked completely fucking wrecked instead.

Maddy leaned her forehead against his, still cupping his face and just rested her head against his and hoped to hell he didn’t pull away. “I’m sorry you got to that dark place. I’m so sorry, Ethan,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry that Corey got hurt but it happened. Can’t get taken back. I’m so sorry, Ethan.” Her finger tips reached over, stroking the hairs by his ears. She knew she couldn’t make it all better, but Ethan always had this thing where he seriously beat himself up over things. And yeah, this was one of them. It was a really big thing. “But it did and so now you gotta fix it. We all do things we’re not proud of but if there’s a chance to fix it, we take those chances.”

Roach didn’t pull away. He needed it too much. She’d do it at the orphanage and it usually helped, the cool of her forehead against his, calming him. He still felt like he was in a heavy, dark place, but at least now he felt as though he could start to walk out of it. Or at least try to. “Okay,” he said, breathing slowly. He felt tired. “At least I’ve got the pills,” he said, pulling away from Maddy so he could draw them out of the pocket. “I give her those, at least... even if she won’t look at me. I could just leave them for her.”

“Right,” Maddy said and let him pull away and she pulled away some too, but kept a hand on his cheek and stroked his hair still, still giving him that calming contact. “But try take one for yourself at least? Because you’re hurt too and it’ll help. Don’t not take any just because you want to punish yourself.”

“It’s not that bad,” Roach protested. His nose just throbbed constantly, feeling hot and sore, but it was his back and shoulders--that she couldn’t see--that hurt the worst. He could hardly move his arms without wincing. “I’d rather just save them for Corey... she needs them way more than me.”

She nodded, sighing a little bit. “I can get more,” she told him, already thinking of how she could do that. With the festival going on, she’d be able to get pills easier. Too many people and she could just slip on through. “And you will take them when I give them to you or I’ll force them,” she said, that old, bossy tone of hers coming back. One that she thought she’d forgotten. “Because I know you’ve got injuries that I don’t know about -- don’t try to hide that.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll take one,” Roach said. For him, this was Maddy. He hadn’t spoken to her in weeks so if this bossy, confident girl had gone away while he was avoiding her, he’d had no idea. He shook one of the pills out into his palm, swallowing it dry and sticking his tongue out at Maddy to show her. He’d had to do it at the orphanage sometimes, when the doctors came by and wanted to give him pills that would calm his nerves, making him docile. They never worked.

Maddy look startled for a moment before she laughed and shook her head. “Do you have any idea how good it feels to boss someone around and not be worried that they’ll leave?” she said, making light of the fact that that? Was so glaringly, glaringly wrong. It wasn’t even funny. “Thanks.” It was heavy, not just thanking him for swallowing the pill, but for listening. She felt a little better, definitely. It was just a matter of figuring out what to do now. “We’re both in pretty big messes again, aren’t we?”

Maddy was making a sort-of joke, but Roach frowned over it. Without having spoken to Maddy in weeks, Roach didn’t know the particulars of the relationship, only hear-say from Dodge, who always seemed to have strangely skewed perspective on the events. That Maddy couldn’t have even been her usual bossy self because she was too afraid that Dodge would leave her wasn’t even slightly right or okay. “Yeah,” Roach said, “we are.” He looked away from Maddy for a moment, then glanced back at her. “I’m going to talk to Dodge. Fair warning.” Because if Maddy knew him, she’d know that he didn’t just talk to people, especially when he was pissed.

“Ethan, don’t,” she protested, but it was weak because she knew that he’d do it anyway. “You’re hurt. Let me talk to him first.” She could talk to Dodge. She could lay the truth at his feet. That she was going back on the agreement. That she couldn’t do it anymore. That she had to leave, she did. Maddy bit her lip and settled against his side as she thought. It was a habit, unconscious. “I can talk to him,” she said again, sounding more like she was trying to convince herself that she could. She had tried before and it hadn’t actually happened. It hadn’t worked. He just walked right over her.

“No, Maddy,” Roach said, his voice tight. He turned slightly, grasping Maddy’s shoulders (always careful with her, especially after what he’d done to Corey), making sure she was looking up at him. “Dodge is my friend and I owe him a hell of a lot... but do you really think he’s going to respond any better to you leaving? He was probably pretty fucked after the fight but... I don’t trust him around you. Not anymore. Not after this.” He lowered one hand, fingers grazing across the bruise that was covered up now. “What he did, what he’s been doing has been way fucking out of line and he needs to know it. From me.”

Maddy nodded in understanding. “It didn’t feel wrong in the moment. All I was thinking about was that I won the game at first. Then I started thinking ‘Oh, he’s back with me, maybe he really does like me’ and then I was so scared and nervous to argue with him. I didn’t want him to walk away from me again. No one gets to walk away from me,” she said, a bit of vehemence in her voice. She shut her eyes. “I’ve been so terrible to Roy. He’s this rock. He calls me out on stupid stuff I do but lately I have been just the worst friend. First you, then him and I just... god, I’ve turned into one of those girls.” She rubbed her face in frustration. “I’m sorry this turned into me. I’m so fucking sorry. It wasn’t meant to.”

Roach’s frown deepened. Maddy thought she won when Dodge was with her, that because he showed up to see her that he really cared about her. Roach didn’t doubt that Dodge had feelings for Maddy, but Dodge had pretty skewed idea of what that entailed, and Maddy sure as hell wasn’t the only girl he had feelings for. He’d been so fucking torn up about Evie and Roach was pretty sure going after a woman six years his senior was pretty doomed from the start. “Maddy, you... you know you’re not the only one, right?” Roach said, looking at Maddy with his mouth set tight. “I’m... I’m not going to say any more than that, but you know there are other girls, right?”

To say that Maddy looked crestfallen would be an understatement. She looked devastated. Not quite slapped in the face shock but a ‘my puppy just got run over’ upset. “I met this girl, Jessie James, the other day. She said Dodge walked her home.” Her voice was thick and kind of hoarse as she recalled that day. Recalled the ensuing conversations that came from it. “He walks her home from school I guess. He walks her home in the afternoon and no one walks me home at three in the morning.” She sounded confused and upset as she voiced the frustration. Angry. “I just...” Her shoulders slumped and she felt sick. Completely sick.

Roach still felt like it was way too soon, but he couldn’t just let Maddy sit there with that look on her face. He wrapped an arm around her small shoulders, giving her a lightly squeeze. “I ran into Jessie the other day... I think she’d just found out too and she was pretty pissed at him. I don’t think that’ll be going anywhere anymore, but still...”

“I feel like a whore,” she said again. She was grateful for the arm around her shoulders but she felt even sicker. “I feel lower than a whore -- not even getting paid -- I’m going to be sick.” She felt even more sick and she stuck her head between her knees. She felt dizzy and sick and disgusting. She knew Dodge flirted. She knew there was that stupid girl from the Drake but she didn’t think... She didn’t think. And she felt like she couldn’t breathe. What have I turned into oh god, what have I turned into? Her shoulders were shaking and she was taking shallow, quick gasps and tried not to throw up the emptiness of her stomach.

Shit. He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have but he was so pissed at Dodge for stringing her along. Maddy, who was worth a hell of a lot more than that. “Hey, hey,” Roach said, rubbing at Maddy’s back. “You’re not a whore, okay? You’re not a fucking whore. You didn’t know and it’s not your fault. Dodge knew what the fuck he was doing and you had no idea. It’s not your fault.”

“I am though!” she hiccuped through her breathing. “I told him I didn’t care if he flirted around. I just didn’t want to hear about it and I didn’t want them around! I didn’t think that he was doing all of that though!” She wasn’t crying, not yet, but she was really bordering on the hyper ventilating. She felt the bitter sting of bile at the back of her throat but her stomach was empty. There was nothing to vomit. “I didn’t go to Little Angels, but I’m still no better than a whore.” It would’ve been better if she’d gone to Little Angels, wouldn’t it? At least she’d been getting paid and there wouldn’t be this sickening deception.

“That doesn’t make you a whore, Maddy,” Roach said, his frown deepening. He was getting angry again, this time even more furiously at Dodge, that his behavior made Maddy feel this way. “He was doing it even before you said it was okay,” Roach said. He didn’t like blabbing some much but he didn’t want Maddy to feel like this either. If she needed more information to stop looking so sick, he’d tell her what he knew. “I talked to him that night he came back late from seeing you and he said you’d said it was okay but he’d been running around on you even before then.”

While he talked, Maddy finally started to cry. It was quiet. Little upset whimpers and shaking shoulders as she tried her hardest to keep it all in. So he at least wouldn’t hear her crying, but Ethan knew her too well and hell, he was sitting right against her to not feel the shaking of her body. She’d screwed up. She’d screwed up so. Bad. What did this say about her? How easily manipulated she was? How she was so scared of people leaving her she’d sell her soul? What have I done? She knew. She knew the kind of guy he was but she wanted to be the special one. She was jealous and selfish and she threw herself at his feet like a harlot and begged him to do whatever he wanted.

Shit. There was no way he could not hold onto her when she was crying, those tiny little whimpering cries that meant she was trying to hide them. He tightened his arm around her and pulled her close against him, rubbing at her back. “You’re not a whore, Maddy,” he said softly. “You’re fucking beautiful and amazing and Dodge is a goddamn idiot for not treating you like you deserve.” This was a huge jump from where he’d been for the last few weeks, too afraid of scaring Maddy off, so convinced that she hated him that he’d not even been as close as ten feet from her in weeks, but she needed this, and he was going to give it to her. She needed comfort now like he’d needed it, and she’d given it to him then.

Her face pressed against his chest as she tried not to be loud while she cried but she let him hold her and her hands reached around to fist in the back of his shirt. She was shaking against him, the feelings coming up too overwhelming for her to keep it contained or keep her feelings down. It was just like the stresses of the past three weeks: The brothel, the feelings of wanting to kill herself, the weird, helpless feelings that she couldn’t pinpoint... it was all too much for her to contain. Hurting her friends -- one who was now fucking dead... fuck.

Roach just held onto her, let her cry into his chest, let her shake and sob. He kept rubbing her back, kept whispering to her. He did everything he could to let her know that he was here for her, that he’d do anything for her, that she wasn’t alone and that she’d never be alone as long as he was still breathing.

Maddy didn’t know how long they sat there together but she did eventually calm down enough that she could finally hear what he was saying. She could only hear him in one ear to begin with. She felt eight years old again, him comforting her after the kids were mean to her... after a particularly bad time helping out the caretaker. For that moment, she could just forget about everything. They were safe in Ethan’s bed at the orphanage or one of the other hiding places they had had, hiding away from all the bad things. “I’m sorry,” she gasped out thickly when her tears subsided enough for her to find her speech.

“Don’t you fucking apologize,” Roach said, too softly for his words to have any bite. “You do what you need to do. I’m here, Maddy. I’m always gonna be here.”

She nodded against his chest and worked hard to get herself under control. “How could I have been so stupid, Ethan?” she whispered. That’s a big thing that bothered her. This wasn’t her. She didn’t approve of relationships like these and yet there she was. Deep in one. It wasn’t that she was looking for an answer -- her tone of voice conveyed that -- but how did she end up like this? How did she end up as one of those girls?

“You weren’t being stupid,” Roach said, quiet. Well, maybe a little bit, but Roach wasn’t about to tell her that, not now. Maybe when they could laugh about this. “You thought you were getting something you wanted but you weren’t. That’s not your fault. That’s... it’s false advertising.”

“Still doesn’t mean I’m not any less disgusted with myself,” she says with a little scowl. She pulled away a bit from him and wiped at her eyes. “I’m better than this. I’m stronger than this.” It felt hollow, like a half-hearted statement but she needed to convince herself of that. That she was a strong person. But how on earth was she going to talk to Dodge about this? How was she going to start. And Ethan... Ethan was going to have a ‘talk’ with Dodge. “We’ll be okay. We always are.” She looked up at him, splotchy faced and red-eyed and gave him a little, watery smile. “Right?”

“Yeah, we will,” Roach said, smiling back at Maddy, brighter than he felt. He wasn’t looking forward to talking with Dodge. Dodge was his friend, Dodge had taken in him when no one else would, given him something to do so he didn’t go kill someone, but Roach had known Maddy longer. He was her protector, always had been. And now it just happened that Dodge, who had been slowly spiraling out of question, even with all of the girls aside, was who he was protecting Maddy from. “You are strong, Maddy. You’ll come back from this.”

Maddy wiped her eyes some more and sighed. “Yeah, I will,” she agreed. I hope to hell you’re right...