I'm Falling to Pieces

Who: Ally and Miles
Where: Around Town
When: Early Afternoon

The more time Miles had to himself, the more he found he didn't like it. It wasn't being without people specifically, it was being without her. Nighthawks had been doing well out of him - any shifts that needed picking up, he was there, anyone who needed someone to cover, he was there. Keeping busy worked for him. He could fill his mind with all the tasks of the diner and let everything else slide. Mostly.

His boss, in his all wisdom, had gently suggested that he shouldn't overwork himself. Because a couple of days of slinging out a few more plates and pouring coffee was going to be what did him in. Miles knew the guy meant well and was only being kindly but he wasn't feeling so accepting of meaning well and kindly. The best he could do was accept that he had the day off and not do anyone any favours by filling in for any missing body. Like he should enjoy the day or something.

He'd headed out with the intention of running errands but ended up more wandering instead. He didn't really care. It was all just to fill the time anyway. What he hadn't expected was for a familiar face to be heading towards him in amongst the strangers. Thus far he'd done an extremely good job of staying away, as per Eily's commands, but he couldn't control her happening to be walking down the same street he was. That and he didn't really give a damn about the busted nose or whatever else he might get. So while he probably should have avoided her, Miles didn't. He stopped in front of Ally a few feet away and gave her a small wave. Waited for her to just keep on walking right by him. Hoped that she wouldn't.

Ally did in fact stop dead in her tracks when she spotted Miles, a myriad of conflicting emotions storming through her. She’d been having a perfectly lovely day even if it had become increasingly difficult to find a dress to her own annoyingly expensive taste to wear to the gala. She wanted something that would make Lucas’ jaw drop, make him eat his words and then she would triumph. Over what, Ally didn’t quite have the answer to that but she would.

In the meantime, she was busy trying to get her wits about her and before she knew it, she closed the few feet between them and smacked Miles hard across the face. People around them stopped to stare or just kept going but all Ally could see what the quickly reddening handprint on his cheek and the stinging in her hand.

Okay. That had hurt. The slap itself and what it meant, the anger behind it. Miles wanted to be shocked by it. Instead he felt resigned to it, like it was bound to have happened sooner or later. It was a sinking feeling that showed in his body as his shoulders slumped and his hand went into that comforting position of going into his pockets. Part of that was to stop himself reaching out for the hand that had been belting him across the face moments ago.

"Ally, I..." He what? What the hell was he going to say to her? He should have gone right past her and left her to whatever she was doing. But he just couldn't, and he cursed himself for being such a damn idiot in so many ways. Looking to the floor, he shrugged. "You should do the other cheek. Even them out." She was welcome to. She deserved to, after all.

Ally glared at him, her eyes narrowed and her fists clenched. Had he really just said that? Really? “I want to,” she told him honestly. “But I’m not going to because it’s what you want me to do. Because you’re too much of a coward to self-flagellate yourself. You need someone else to do it for you. And how dare you,” she hissed, pointing at him sharply. “How dare speak to me like that. I deserve better than that, especially from you.” She felt someone’s eyes on her and she whipped her head around to glare at the person, sending them scurrying away before looking back at Miles. “And let me tell you something else. This whole self pity act that you’ve been clinging so much to for these past months? It stops, Miles. You need to grow a damn spine again. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself because you’re ruining your life. I am absolutely furious with you. I gave up everything for you.”

It was the old Ally. Alaizabel Thatcher who could rip someone to shreds if she chose to standing there with the bow in her hair, managing to make it look womanly than girlish. The one who wasn’t moon-eyed and trying to be the girl that Miles could love in return. It was the Socialite of Socialites. That debutante she used to be that didn’t let anyone walk all over her. “Maybe that was stupid of me, to give it all up for a crush but I did and I won’t deny that you’ve helped me become a better person and that is why I’m telling you this. Because I am a good person. I don’t rip someone’s heart out and then tell them to go ahead and even out the handprints. You want the world to hate you because you hate yourself.”

She was done trying to be someone else.

Completely conscious of the fact this was happening in the middle of the street, Miles' gaze flicked from side to side until he eventually just closed his eyes to shut it all out. What he hated the most was how easily she could slip back into being that society girl. Even if he refused to believe that was really her, that the person she'd become was nothing more than a role or reflection of who she wanted to be. He told himself that Ally was simply protecting herself, and that he did know who she really was.

"I don't know what to say to you," he told her genuinely. There were plenty of things he wanted to scream at her. One foot tapped against the sidewalk, all the things being firmly reined in finding some release that wasn't losing it in public. "So what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?" The tone had a more annoyed, frustrated edge than he'd intended. Wasn't like that was going to make matters much worse. What was she going to do, hate him more than she already did?

“Stop trying to please me,” Ally snapped at him. She could see his frustrations and she knew it was difficult for him with all the distractions going on so she grabbed him by the elbow and directed him into the nearby alley where the outside world wasn’t so invading to him. “Don’t you ask me what you can say to make this better or make me satisfied because if you can’t come up with anything then there’s a bigger issue than just what happened. It means that our friendship meant nothing to you. That I don’t mean one single thing to you. And I know I have. If not having my feelings returned then a friend.” Her voice was still clipped but the fury had left her features to take on a stony gaze.

“I stand by my theory that you said what you said because you are a martyring jackass. That you don’t think you’re good enough because you never have. No matter what, you always have put yourself down and have been horrible to yourself. So stop doing that to yourself. It’s not winning you any favors and don’t you dare say that you need none. Stop trying to ruin your goddamn life. Because so help me I hate that more than what you said to me.” Which was true. The ridiculously new understanding part of her knew where it was all coming from and it angered her more than anything. “I’m right and you know it.”

Now Miles gave her a look like she'd just slapped him in the face. "I'm not asking you because I want to make you satisfied. I'm asking because I want to know what you expect me to say to you after you tell me I've ripped your heart out. What is there for me to say to that?" She was the victim, he was the bad guy. That was how it was going to go down. Him saying anything, him arguing with her, was going to be an exercise in futility. And he'd heard enough from Eily about what an asshole he was, and hearing more of it from Ally would be the thing that tore him down.

Still, his eyes widened at the martyring comment, as in disbelief. "Says the girl standing there telling me how she gave up everything." While he was trying to keep a lid on everything as much as he could, it was beginning to spill over. "And that's kind of the point, isn't it? You gave up everything." Jaw set, Miles shook his head.

“For you. Because it was some stupid fairytale where the princess runs away for true love instead of money. And I don’t regret it. I’d rather this life than a loveless one but the difference between you and me, Miles? Is that I meant it. I never lied to you. You lied to me because of some stupid notion you’ve got yourself under. I know it’s true because you always do it so why should that time have been any different. That is the difference between you being a martyr and me giving up everything. Don’t you turn my words on me.” Her hands were shaking lightly and her palm still stung and she crossed her arms in front of her in a futile effort to keep herself together. At the end of the day this was Miles and it was ripping at the wounds inside that had hardly begun to heal. “I don’t know what you’re supposed to say because you’ve never spoken to me like that before. You didn’t have to be cruel so I want to know why.”

"The difference between you and me is that you gave up everything and I lost everything." Despite his best efforts to keep his voice level, it came out through gritted teeth and spoke of all the things he rarely voiced but were said in everything he did, in his attitude, his entire outlook. To him it wasn't a stupid notion, and her dismissing it as such wasn't something he could quite get over. "And everyone... Everyone expects me to be done with it. Oh, it happened, let it go, Miles, let it go. Like it's easy. And anything I try and do to try and live with it, to get over it like I'm supposed to, I'm a martyr. I'm a jerk. I'm a self pitying, selfish jackass. How would you feel if I said that to you?"

Ally grimaced as she tried to find the words to say. She thought she was being clear but apparently not. “You haven’t lost everything, Miles. You have a family that loves you, you have friends, you had me. You had a terrible injury and no one is telling you to get over that. But the self-pity is getting absolutely out of hand. That you’re not good enough, that you’re worthless. That has nothing to do with your injury, that has to do about your attitude. Instead of trying to get better you’re just forcing yourself to stay stationary. Life moves on, Miles. That’s life. That’s living. You’ve stopped living.”

She didn’t get it. She really didn’t get it. Not that Miles blamed her for that. Okay, that wasn’t entirely true. In that moment, he blamed her just that little bit. Because her use of the past tense, that little had signified he had lost everything. And he might have done it to himself but that didn’t change the fact. “Like you’re moving on,” he said, a bitter note creeping in, making it a statement and not a question.

She arched a disbelieving eyebrow at him and dropped her hands to her hips. “You don’t get to do that, Miles. You told me you wanted nothing to do with me. And quite frankly I don’t want to be around someone who has nothing but cruel things to say to me. It’s insulting.” There was a bitterness in her own voice and she wanted to smack him again, damn the sting. “Don’t blame me. All I did was told you that I love you but as my affections aren’t returned and I was let down in the most deplorable of ways, what other choice do I have.” It was more a statement than a question and she shook her head, jaw clenched.

“Nothing but cruel things to say to you?” Miles’ expression was a mixture of hurt shock and pissed off all in one. “So I’m being cruel to you now?” Somewhere in there was a real question. The more words they exchanged, the less he felt like he knew what the hell he was doing. “I won’t blame you if you don’t say that all you did is tell me you love me like it’s nothing. No big deal. You have no idea what... You have no idea, Ally.” He wasn’t even sure how he’d intended to finish that sentence, just knew he needed to stop himself before he did.

“If you didn’t return my feelings fine, but you didn’t have to go stomping down on everything,” Ally snapped. “And what? What don’t I have any idea about? About how big of a hole you’ve dug yourself in your wallowing?” She was being cruel in turn, she knew it, but she knew she was speaking the truth, at least from her perspective. That Miles hated himself and he was sabotaging himself and not doing anything to make his life easier. It had been a struggle she’d dealt with ever since he came home and combined with having her heart broken (which was the reason for her defensiveness), she was tired. She was tired of Miles doing nothing to help himself.

That was what did it for him. Miles did a palms up gesture and shook his head. “You’re right. You have no idea how big of a hole I’ve dug for myself. You’ve no idea how deep it runs and how much of a mess is at the bottom of it.” The sad thing was that it wasn’t so much a sardonic comeback as it was a confessional. Part of the problem was all the things he’d never shared with her, with anyone, all the things he was determined to keep locked up inside and far, far away. Except that plan hadn’t worked out so well. And she wondered why he thought he was no good.

Ally shook her head in turn, the anger starting to drain out of her and was being replaced with frustration. “Well maybe if you’d talk to me once in awhile, I could’ve helped. Look, I’ve got a dress to buy. There’s that gala that I’m going to.” She looked at him, meeting his eyes with her weary ones. “When you get out of that hole you’re in, maybe I would be willing to mend things. But I just can’t right now Miles.”

Either she didn’t fully understand what he was trying to tell her or she didn’t care any more. At that point he really wasn’t sure which it was, or maybe it was both. When she looked at him his eyes searched hers but he saw nothing but tiredness. His fault. He decided to focus on the only part of what she’d said that didn’t make him want to tell her how much he needed her and that he was a mess and that he was sorry. “Oh. The gala. That’ll be good for you.” He gave a nod that was mostly to himself. “I always liked you in green.”

She watched him, finding it odd that that was what he latched onto. That he had nothing to say about anything else. She wanted to reach out to him, comfort him in some way and she clenched her teeth to keep her mouth shut. It didn’t work very well though. “It’s not too late, Miles,” she said softly. “It’s not too late to get out. You just have to want to do it and you know where to start.” There was no frustration in her voice. She was actually quite gentle when she said it. “We both need to grow up, Miles. Or... we’re not seventeen anymore or I’m not seventeen anymore and you’re not the same person you were when you left. We just need to figure out who those people are.”

Miles opened his mouth to ask her where it was he was supposed to start. Maybe he should have known but he had no idea. Not anymore. The question remained unsaid, not wanting her to misconstrue it as him being facetious and provoke her once again. Not now she’d tentatively started to talk to him like he was him again. “I know who this person is,” he told her quietly, gesturing down at himself. And that was another issue in a string of issues. “It’s other people that don’t seem to.” Something that rested with him more than anyone else. Miles shut people out. Miles shut himself down. Other people had hope and Miles had bleak and grudging acceptance.

“Someone who is angry at himself because that’s what he does,” Ally answered. “He blames himself for things that are out of his control and he wraps it around him like a blanket, like armor against the world and it wears on people who care.” She bit her lip and looked out of the alley to the bustling city, her shoulders slumping. It was all so complicated and it wasn’t fair. “I know that you love me because you wouldn’t have said what you said if you didn’t. You just don’t think you’re worth it or you’re good enough, just like you think your father thinks you’re not good enough and I’m sorry that you have those issues with him and that they have affected you so deeply but you cannot live your life like this.” She looked at him with her big eyes, a serious look on her face but there was no anger, just a stern, strict tone. Like she was ordering him. “There are things you can do to get better and god knows I’ve tried to get you to do them. It happened, Miles, it happened and I’m sorry that it did but you cannot blame everything on what happened in the Pacific because everything that you think is wrong? Was there before you left.”

It was funny how something could be so right and yet utterly wrong all at once. Part of him wanted to simply say screw it and throw his knowledge and opinions of her right back at her, like she was doing with him. All that would be for was for the sake of it, and in spite of everything he didn't want to be the blatantly cruel person she'd accused him of being. "Great. So I've always been this way, only now I've got a few added extras to really give it some kick." Miles tilted his head back, shaking it from side to side before his eyes met hers again. "You don't understand the way you think you do. Or know me the way you think you do." His voice sounded more sad than anything else, sad and uncertain. Miles still hadn't decided if he even wanted her to really know or understand. Like most things related to Ally, it left him torn.

At his response, Ally’s eyes narrowed at him and it was her turn to shake her head. “I think I understand a lot better than you think I do, Miles. I think you’re making it out to be a lot more complicated than it is to make yourself feel better. Well have at it. I tried to help you but no one is going to help you if you don’t speak to people, Miles. That’s your problem, not mine. I’m done trying to help you when you won’t even help yourself. It’s not giving up when the person you’re working for is the one who gives up so don’t try to twist that either.” She knew he would. In this abandoned, woeful state he was in it was everything against him. “You’ve got fight left in you. I know you do. That bitter sarcasm? So don’t think you don’t.” Readjusting the bow in her hair she looked at him steadily. “Is there anything else I don’t get? Because I’m done saying everything I’ve wanted to say.”

For a start Miles did nothing but stare at her. He couldn't quite believe her. That she could stand there and say that he made things out to be more complicated than they were to make himself feel better. As she was swanning around the city like the most wronged woman there had ever been because he hadn't told her what she'd wanted to hear. And she wondered why he didn't open up. Hardly easy to talk to people when they seemed dead set on telling you how everything you thought and everything you felt was wrong and how you should just go ahead and change it.

"Fine," he said eventually. "You get everything. Fine, you're done. If you've nothing left to say, there can't be anything left to say. After all, I just revolve around you. So you may as well get on with walking away. Have fun at the gala." Miles didn't expect anything back. She'd probably think he was being pointlessly mean to hurt her.

Ally resisted making a disgusted sound at that. She wanted to smack him. Again. She resisted and shook her head. “Oh, I will. I’ve got a date with a DiGiovanni.” It was all a carefully constructed façade that was soon going to crack. Out of anyone, she thought that Miles understood her in turn, that she was more than just a stupid society girl but if that’s who he wanted to portray her as, oh well. With that she turned on her heel and stormed out of the alley before she lost all control.

The date comment stung, as he figured it was meant to. She was going out with someone and not just anyone, someone whose name held status. Because she was Alaizabel Thatcher, and Alaizabel was doing a splendid job of reminding him how lowly he was. If she wanted to go running back to all that, she could. Just as they were no longer seventeen, he was no longer the boy that could sweep in and steal her away from it. And despite how mad he felt at her, he still wanted to go running after her. He took a couple of steps as though he was going to do exactly that. Then he stalked off in the opposite direction.