leave

Who: Marian and Roy
Where: Roy's Vault
When: evening

What Alec had said at the gallery opening had weighed heavy on Marian's shoulders for days. She'd thought about it in the spare moments she'd let her thoughts drift from whatever task was at hand. Her family was her family. They wouldn't consider her a let down and more importantly she really just couldn't avoid them. That thought coupled with how terribly her last run in with her brother had gone, Marian had found some sort of strength inside her to head towards Roy's vault. She'd talk to him before work, try and fix things between them.

In a rare bout of bravery she'd made her way to his place with a determined step, head held high as she called out his name, only to find he wasn't there. She considered leaving but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead she just sat on the stairs of the old bank, waiting for him to come home.

Eventually, he did, not that he was in any better a mental place than he'd been earlier. In fact, after talking to JJ, he kind of only felt worse. He'd finally voiced his fears about Marian aloud, and he hadn't felt any better about it, even if Jj had tried her best to quiet them. He knew she'd been trying. He could tell she'd been putting a whole lot of effort into things. And not just that but everything else he'd brought up. The trouble was her suggestions were absolutely ludicrous. And she just didn't understand, something he had known would happen, even if some tiny part of him had really wished for some shred of it. But it wasn't there, and on a fairly profound level. So he'd wandered around more, wondering just when he was going to bring up the debt and the possible end to it. And part of him wondered what the hell he was going to do if he could clear that debt. What he might do with his life if it was his again. The scary part was he didn't know. There wasn't a plan. There wasn't a next step.

When he started up the steps, he only noticed Marian belatedly. When he finally did, he stopped dead in his tracks, staring at her for a moment. There wasn't the usual reaction. Generally, when he saw her, he lit up. His mood lifted from whatever dark recesses it had sank to. She made him feel better just by being present, normally. But not today. In fact, it was fairly obvious that she not only didn't cheer him when he saw her, that there was a light little flinch he gave, and he stepped back a touch, like he wanted to be further away from her. He didn't say anything, though didn't realize it until he'd merely stood there, staring for a few minutes. But he couldn't come up with any words.

Marian had been daydreaming idly, which was rare for her, but she was trying, when she heard his footsteps on the stairs. She couldn't help but smile when he came into view, but then he just stopped and stared at her. No smile, no hug, just a step backwards and a flinch like she might hit him. She waited, assuming he'd say something but he didn't and it left her stomach twisted in knots. "Hi Roy," she finally said dropping her eyes from his.

"Hi." he said in return, and he could hear the tightness in his own tone. It made him twitch all the more, but he couldn't help it. He really didn't want to be dealing with this right now. It was just the first time he'd ever felt that way about Marian. It really sucked.

She wasn't looking at him so she missed the twitch, but she still heard his voice. For a moment everything that she kept buried so well made a break for the surface attempting to take whatever calm or control she had away. Holding her breath for a moment she managed to stuff it back down some and bring her eyes to Roy's. "I...came by to see you. Is that okay?" She'd never asked before, typically she just showed up, but today she had a feeling she needed to ask.

He looked away and started to walk up the stairs around her. "For someone who came to see me, you sure as hell are avoiding looking at me. What do you want, Marian?" he asked, tone one he'd never used with her. It was just a day of firsts. And he caught that she asked if it was okay that she saw him, he just didn't address it. because right now he didn't know what the answer was.

It's not like you're doing much better, she thought but got up and out of his way as he went past. "Want? I don't want anything, except maybe to see you. Why would you think I wanted something?" That hurt, and left her with another million questions that she couldn't answer. Did Roy think she only came by when she needed something?

He kept going up the stairs. "Yeah, well, you've been avoiding me again, so why bother starting to see me again now?" he asked. "I'd think you'd wanted something because you're sitting there looking like you're about to cry or something, and you asked if it was even okay that you were here. So obviously? You know something's up. Only you haven't actually bothered to check in before now, so yeah. What do you want? Just...get it so you can go back to avoiding me. It's what you're best at." He knew he was being meaner to her than he ever had been, but he was still hurt himself. And it had been festering for a long time. It had dug in incredibly deeply when he'd seen her last, and had been getting worse ever since.

Marian's eyes went wide and she just stared at her brother's retreating form with her mouth open. He'd never spoken to her like that, never held her avoidance against her. It was a few breaths before she could unroot herself from the stairs and follow after him. "I don't want anything Roy," she said, though her voice wavered some. She hadn't been ready to cry before, but now she was almost certain she might. "I know I haven't been around, but I was...I was ashamed and I didn't think I could...Why are you being so mean?" she finally asked, voice cracking on the last word as she caught up to him.

It was on the landing where she caught up that he turned back around to look down at her. "Why shouldn't I be?" he asked. "You're in and out of my life when it's convenient for you, when you need the emotional stability or to feel better about yourself, right? That's why you come here. Because you feel bad, right? so then you come here, and then fuck off again, for god knows how long, til you're feeling bad again. And I hang on every word you say, and I wait for you to show up, and half the time, even when you know I'm looking for you you still stay away til it's convenient for you. And the last time you were avoiding me, you ran into me by accident, and do you think I didn't notice that you were just flailing over the whole thing? That it hadn't been what you wanted, and you weren't 'prepared' to see me or whatever? And you know what, Marian? I'd lost a friend. If I ever needed someone, it was that day, and you never even asked me if I was okay. And I know I wasn't acting myself. I know I wasn't. But you couldn't even fucking ask. so whatever. I get it now. I've been wondering since that day if you even care. If you've ever cared, and right now, I just...no. I don't believe you do. So get whatever it is you came for, and leave."

When he turned on her, Marian took an involuntary step backward which almost had her tumbling back down the stairs if she hadn't grabbed the railing. Roy had never been like this, not with her and she didn't even know where to start. She hadn't really noticed he'd been so off, other than the fact that he didn't seem to want to talk to her either that day, but she'd been caught up in what she'd done. How blatantly she'd ignored his suggestions. Tears filled her eyes, but somehow she managed to hold them back for like a little longer. "Roy," she said softly reaching out for his arm, though in the back of her mind she wondered if he'd swat her away. "I'm sorry. I didn't..." She trailed off because she couldn't talk around the lump in her throat. After a shaky breath she managed to swallow it back some and start over. "I wasn't flailing over just seeing you. I'd gone against the advice you gave me and I knew you'd know as soon as you saw me. I didn't want you to be upset with me." Which seemed pointless considering how upset he was now. "I do care about you. More than anyone else." But she'd let him down, just like she told Alec she would.

"Don't touch me." he snapped, though he didn't hit her hand, he just backed up a few steps in rapid succession, putting himself out of her reach. He tried to let what she said sink in, and he wound up knocking his back against the wall because he hadn't stopped backing up, and he stared at her. Just stared. "You went against my advice. And thought that I'd just know by looking at you? What the fuck? And that was apparently so distressing you didn't notice that I was completely off my game?!" he asked, voice echoing a little down the stairwell, so he lowered it again. "Which makes it all about you again, doesn't it. All the fuck about you. You don't want me to be upset with you." he shook his head a little, looking at the floor. "You're never here for me are you." he said, tone entirely shifting, doing that rapid-change that happened to him sometimes, the very thing he'd been trying to explain to JJ. It went from angry to despondent in .2 seconds. "You're only ever around for you."

When he snapped she jerked her hand back like she'd been burned, holding it against her chest protectively. "It wasn't like you came to look for me!" she snapped back, but then held her hand over her mouth with wide eyes. She'd never yelled at Roy. Hell, she rarely yelled at all. What was worse was that she'd snapped after she watched him shift moods. The tears in her eyes spilled down her cheeks, but she didn't make a sound for a long moment, not a sniffle or a sob, just silent tears. Cautiously she took a few steps forward, closer to him, but not touching again. "I'm sorry Roy. I never meant to be selfish. I really didn't. I assumed that if you needed me you'd find me. I should have known."

"I've done that before. I've looked for you. I've left messages, I've gone by, talked to people around you to let you know I was around and you still took your sweet time getting back to me. So don't you tell me that you were going to be there, I just had to ask. I have asked. You weren't there." Roy said, not looking at her still but he shrank back a little when she got closer. "And why should I have? I was dealing with a death. And you didn't care. Didn't even ask if I was alright. And I know I wasn't being me. But if you didn't notice? Then you just...don't know me well. Nothing about any of this makes it okay. All it does is point to bad things, and I just...I don't want to deal, okay? Just go. Go back to your life, with that guy or whatever that I told you to stay away from. Just go."

She saw him shrink back and though she didn't take a step back she wrapped her arms around herself tightly. "I just thought you didn't want to talk to me either," she said quietly. He told her to leave, but she couldn't. She'd messed this up royally and even though he didn't want her around she wasn't going anywhere. "I came here to see you Roy. Just to see you because I felt bad about the last time I saw you. So I'm not going." Instead of sounding confident her voice was thick with tears, but she'd said it.

Roy looked up at her again. "Because that has ever fucking happened." he said. "I have never not wanted to talk to you. Not once. Ever. Any time you come around you know it, you cheer me up, you make everything better again, so that should have been something that you noted as just a little fucking odd, Marian. How did it not scream to you that something was the matter?" he asked, truly baffled by that. He shook his head again and looked away. "Jesus." he said, somewhere between surprised and utterly defeated. "You just don't. You don't even...just go." he said, turning to head up the stairs more, not even sure what he was planning to do. Maybe he should turn back around and leave again if she wasn't.

"It hasn't, you just...shut down on me Roy. What was I supposed to do? I was afraid to face you because I can't lie to you, because you just know everything about me without me saying it and when I tried to get over it you shrugged me off. Was I supposed to follow after you when you didn't seem to want anything to do with me?" Marian asked and she made no move to leave. "Roy, please. Let me help now." She didn't say it but she was worried about him and it showed in her tone.

"No, you were supposed to ask me what the fuck was wrong." Roy said. "A simple question. The slightest bit of fucking concern. But all you gave a shit about was your own head and your own bullshit and you didn't even notice, you already said that, so why are you changing your story now to 'what was I supposed to do'?" he asked, realizing there was a turnaround in there, and it was confusing him. "And no. You don't get to help now. Too little too late. I've been hanging on the fringes of your life for a long time, and this just made everything so clear. And it's all about you, and all you give a damn about is you, and well, you go do that. You've never really been there. Not like I need you to be. So...stop. Turn around, walk away, go do whatever you're going to do."

Marian couldn't see him clearly from the tears. She took a second to wipe at her eyes, slightly amazed at how wet her cheeks were. She hadn't even realized she'd been crying that much. "So we're just done? I'm your sister Roy. You can't just break up with me. We're family, family's supposed to forgive each other." Her voice faltered again, and she had to swallow past the lump in her throat. "Pushing everyone away isn't going to make it better." She was guessing that he'd been pushing others away, a guess rooted in the fact that if he'd come to pushing her away he must have pushed the others. She assumed she would have been the last.

"Family is supposed to be there, too, and you aren't. I'm just here for you." Roy said, feeling his eyes stinging as well. He started to head back down the stairs, needing to not feel trapped with her there. It was too much, too close, and it felt claustrophobic. Which meant he couldn't go to the vault right now, even if she left. Not with that heavy feeling closing in on him. He stopped at the last part, and he shot a look over his shoulder at her, a truly hurt, broken look. "What, like you do, when you're fucking avoiding me all the time?" he shot at her. "Pushing away like that, Marian? Like you?"

The look on Marian's face matched her brothers, hurt and broken. "Yes Roy like me. Exactly like me. And look how fantastically well adjusted I am." He was the only person in the world who knew that, who knew what sort of turmoil raged beneath her cheerful exterior. She bit her lip and moved closer to him again, even though he kept moving away. She wanted to be close to him, to throw her arms around him and hold on until they both felt better.

He just shook his head and kept walking down the stairs, reaching up to rub at his eyes. He hated when things got to a point where he cried. It was a huge sign of weakness, and with people like him, that was a really bad thing to show out on the street. It was like asking someone to show up to kick his ass and take whatever he had on him. he knew he should probably say something else to her but he just didn't have anything. Nothing at all.

Marian had no idea what to do. Normally she would just let him go, avoid further confrontation and sit on the steps and cry until she had to go to work, but she felt like that was the wrong thing to do. At the same time, he as the one walking away, which meant running after him might just make it worse. Her internal struggle went back and forth until she followed him, this time actually touching his arm when she caught up with him. "Don't go. I'll leave if that's what you want, but don't just wander off."

He flinched when she touched him and again made a quick retreat. "I said don't touch me." he said. "And I don't really want to be here right now. So I'm going. You...do whatever you want, just so long as it isn't following me." he said, rubbing at his eyes again. His voice sounded rought, but he couldn't help that either. Maybe he'd go to the graveyard, sit by pepper's cross for a while. He didn't know where else to go.

Marian pulled her hand away with a flinch of her own and stepped around him to leave first so he'd know she wasn't following. "I'm sorry Roy. I really am. If you can forgive me, then I promise I'll try and be better. Even if you can't...I'm gonna try." Marian bit her lip for a moment, and looked away then back at him. "I love you Roy. You're my brother and the only person in this world I really trust. I'm sorry I hurt you." She'd wanted to say more, but words failed her so she just stopped talking and turned to leave.

Roy let her go. He heard her, and he knew her words were going to spend time echoing in his head for a while, but right then, in those moments he was still far too hurt to do anything. He needed to be alone, to stop feeling like the world was falling down on him. And right now she wasn't going to be able to help him in that.