leave, chapter 2

Who: Roy and Maddy
Where: Roy's place
When: early afternoon

Maddy was sitting on the steps of Roy's building listening to the music coming from the little cafe down the street. There were some books beside her and she wanted to see Roy, but the music was nice and she just wanted to take a minute to collect herself before she went up to see him, but she was also wondering if he was even in there or if he was at the garage that way. Maybe she should go to the garage... As the music came to an end, Maddy figured she was just stalling because she was afraid of bad news from the questions she wanted to ask him (like why he was so distracted the other day) and she headed into the building. "Roy!" she called as she made her way up the stairwell.

Roy did happen to be in, and he was in pretty much the same place as he'd been the last time she'd dropped in unexpectedly. He was sitting in the windowframe of the window closest to the vault, just sort of looking out at the world as it went by, totally oblivious to his presence. He was going over a lot in his mind, the money Dutch had given him, the question of whether he could pay off his debt to the DiGiovanni family. Chie. There was definitely a lot there. When he heard his name, he looked back over his shoulder at the stairwell. "Here." he called, enough so it would echo down the well, but it wasn't overly loud.

Pleased, Maddy took the last few steps at a faster pace and looked around for him. "Hey," she said with a smile. At least she was happier this time when she saw him. She looked a little tired from a restless night but at least she wasn't crying or overly emotional this time. "I'm sorry I haven't been by. I was sick so I stayed in bed. How're you doing?" He was sitting there by the window in that brooding state and Maddy's warning bells went up a little. She reached into the bag and pulled out an apple and held it out to him as she came to stand over by the window. "Here."

He shrugged at her apology, and sort of vaguely looked at the apple, then back to her. "...you came here to bring me an apple?" he asked, tone doubtful on it. He didn't take it, either, not really up for it right now. And if he didn't take it, she might keep it and eat it herself. If she said she'd been sick, clearly she needed it.

"Well, no, I came to see how you were doing. You were pretty distracted when I left the other day and I was worried but I had to get to work then I started feeling sick but then you didn't come by either so I was worried about you. The apple is because I figured you might be hungry. I was going to bring birthday cupcakes to share but the bakery was really busy and I didn't want to get squashed so... apple. I already had one today." She waved the apple around a bit trying to entice him.

"If you were sick, you should keep it. That's supposed to be good for you." he said. "Better than anything from a bakery." Or so he'd heard, anyways. There was a saying he knew he'd heard but couldn't place. But it had to do with apples and doctors. The thought of doctors, however, reminded him of his talk with JJ, and that feeling that had been flooding him since with the exception of his encounter with Chie swept back in. "I'm doing how I'm always doing, and yeah, I was distracted, but I am a lot and usually you don't get around to asking me about it and then have other things to do, so why don't you keep with that?" he suggested. His tone wasn't cruel, it was just tired. He sounded exhausted in general, and that was pretty close to the truth, even if physically he shouldn't have been. But it was very much the emotional drain wearing him down.
Maddy frowned and lowered the apple. That hurt. That really hurt. No, Maddy knew she wasn't the best at asking him what was wrong, but when she did? It was about Marian not coming around or how she was reckless or silly. "Well then what kind of friend does that make me? I care about you and I'm trying to do better. You listen to me all the time and as your friend, I need to return it. I want to." While Roy sounded tired, Maddy sounded a bit angry and upset. She was trying. "I want to be a better friend..."

Roy turned to face her for a long moment, just looking at her. "Madeline, up until two seconds ago did you even realize you're not a good friend to me?" he asked--because he wasn't going to say she wasn't to everyone, he had absolutely no basis for that assumption and he wasn't going to make it. "The whole 'I'm trying' thing doesn't really work on your end if this is the first you've even recognized the issue." he told her. "It's not like I've mentioned this before. So, what's the 'I'm trying' supposed to mean?" he asked. "Or do you just not want to deal with it, so you're blanketing an effort statement onto things to placate, and just hope I don't notice that it doesn't make sense?" He dragged his fingers through his hair.

"Look, I can see you're upset. I don't really mean to upset you. But I seem to do that a lot regardless. And lately, I've just become very very aware that the friends I do have? Don't really fit the definition I have in my head. Because things should be two way, and they're not, really. With anyone. It's not just you." he said, because he didn't actually want her to think that he had singled her out. It was by far not just her. Not by a long shot. Hell, he still didn't even sound upset with her about anything he was saying. Because at this point he wasn't. He's sort of gone through upset and ended up on the other side, which was sort of abject apathy. Just an emotional wearyness that wasn't subsiding. And he didn't really blame people. Not really. It wasn't about blame in his head anymore. It was more just about what was and what wasn't, and facing up accordingly. Unfortunately most of those instances meant not so nice things. He was pretty much thinking by the end of all of this he was going to be about as alone as he could get. It would at least match how he always felt, he guessed. And weirdly, he was telling her what was going on with him, which was what she'd not actually asked. She'd asked a general 'how're you' and mentioned she'd noticed he was distracted, but she hadn't asked what was wrong, or what had been bothering him, or if it still was. Just that she'd noticed.

Maddy had gotten a bit past 'upset' by the time he was done with his speech. She was actually pretty angry too and she really, really wanted to smack him. She didn't though. "No, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my concerns before and have been aware of it and have been working on making on effort," she got out in a somewhat tight voice. "Let me tell you something, Roy." Nothing terrible is going to happen. Nothing.

"Very rarely do you come to me about your problems. Or I ask you and you? Do not want to talk about it and turn it around and ask me what's up. And you have this thing where you can get really angry or really sad really fast and so pushing the subject of whether or not your doing okay is like walking through a minefield sometimes. I don't want to push something and then have you get really angry at me. I already do that enough with me acting stupid sometimes and I don't want to make it a routine event. Now, I don't know if I've made it clear in the past that as your friend, I'm here to listen to your problems too which is why I'm saying it and which is why I'm saying 'I'm trying' to return the damn favor that you've showed me. It's really damn frustrating when all you ever seem to be is miserable and my efforts to cheer you up never seem to last. I know I get repetitive too and I'm trying to fix that. I'm not an expert. I don't know. Do you ever think that maybe it isn't that people don't ask you, it's that they've stopped asking because you get scowly or that someone might be worried about making you angry? I try to remember really hard to ask because I do care about you and I want to help but I figure there's times when you don't want to talk about things so I'll talk about my stuff since you don't want to talk about yours or I'll try come up with a different idea to take your mind off things."

She reached into her bag and pulled out a workbook she'd gotten and set it on the sill beside him. It was new. She'd spent money on it. "Or maybe I have it all wrong and I'm the worst friend to everyone and me trying to do better is useless. I don't know. I just know that I worry about you and you were distracted the other day and then I didn't hear from you and I know you were upset with Marian and... I don't know. I care about you. I love you." That first birthday wish that she tried to take back. "But I'm also not a mind reader. You might seem fine to me but you might actually have something going on inside that you're working through. Or maybe you don't appear to be okay but in fact you are and I dunno." She wondered if she was supposed to ask if he didn't want her around anymore. She wouldn't blame him, but the idea of that was making her heart really hurt.

"When have you mentioned your concerns?" Roy asked, though it was basically rhetorical. "And do you know why I don't go to you with my problems?" he asked, watching her eyes. "It's because you are hands down the most overly dramatic person I have ever come across. Everything is the end of the goddamn world for you. Everything. And you're queen of the universe and can do anything you want and the second anything goes even slightly wrong then it's a river of tears. And not only that but there's always. something." he stressed. "Constantly. Every single day there's something new for you to be falling apart over. And if it isn't someone else doing it to you--because I'll be the first to admit that you're a victim a whole lot, even if that's an entirely different issue--your'e doing it to yourself, like your stunt with singing up to be a fucking whore. You're a smart girl, you know better. Somewhere, deep down, you know better. And you just do it anyways, because of some fried wire in your head or something, I don't know. Or maybe it's to get even more attention even if you suck all of it from everyone else you're ever around. Like you just said, you don't want to ask because maybe I'll get mad--hey, that's back to being about you again, isn't it?" he said though his tone still lacked bite.

"I don't talk to you about my problems because you always have more than enough of your own. And you know? Even if it might not seem like it sometimes, I care about you too. So I'm not going to add to the constant, enormous load you're always carrying. Why would I do that? Why on earth would I ever do that?" he asked. "Everything is all about you. All the time, twenty four hours a day. You make sure of it. And I'm tired. I'm tired, and maybe it's just too little too late for me to grasp at the little crumbs you want to hand out when you feel like it. Or when you're less worried about what my being upset will do to you. Because that's what's important, right? What it'll do to you. So, just...go, okay? I'm positive you'll find someone else to cry to. I'm sure you've already got people lined up to do that."

Maddy didn't know what she'd rather have. Him yelling at her or him continuing to talk in that tired way. Either way, even though she knew everything he was saying was true, it still felt like with each statement it was cutting into her heart. Not that anyone liked their faults laid out like that. "You're right. I am this ball of emotional issues. I cause a lot of my own problems. It's not fun and I don't know why I do it but I don't like being that way. I'm working on being better. And I appreciate that you don't want to contribute to whatever I'm going through, I understand why you feel that way. I get angry and upset because when I get into trouble I feel lost. I feel like I have no idea how to get out and I come to you because you can help me see the way out. You're older and I look up to you and maybe that isn't fair of me to do that. But when I have my problems, a really good distraction would be being able to help someone else. Being able to help my friend through his problems because I can turn my frustrations into something positive by helping someone else. Then again I haven't exactly said that, have I?" It was rhetorical and she ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "But I guess you could say that's all about me then too." As for finding someone else to cry to? "I don't have anyone else lined up." She felt kind of numb, the stinging dull and throbbing inside. "I love you and I don't want to leave you when you're upset like this. I want to make it better because you're not okay and I want to help make you okay. But I can't make you okay if you don't want to be okay."

"I'm not ever really okay." Roy said, truthful there, voice even more devoid of emotion. "Not really. And everything gets darker, and darker, and nothing gets better. You can't help me. And I probably shouldn't help you. If you're lost, you probably don't want to take guidance from me. As for not having anyone lined up, that's bullshit. Talk to that guy you have entirely snowed on everything. The one who thinks you shit gold and cry rainbows. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to mop up your next river of tears." He looked back out the window. "And you don't love me, Madeline. I'm just someone who's paid enough attention. And you dropped me when you were getting involved with Dodge anyways. So obviously he was fulfilling the attention need well enough and you didn't need me around for it."

"And look how well that turned out," Maddy pointed out, wondering what guy he was talking about. Ethan? That left her feeling uncomfortable again given what that conversation had seemed to turn into. "I didn't drop you, Roy. I wouldn't ever drop you but I'm sorry if you felt that way. We were meeting up, I was helping you with the reading. I was spending time with you. I'm sorry if it wasn't a good enough job." She wasn't sure what she was supposed to say and she was grasping a little trying to figure out what was right. Not that she was feeding him lies. She meant everything she said.

Roy recognized that she meant what she was saying. He definitely did. He just didn't much think it mattered anymore at this point. "Doesn't matter how it turned out, that was what your choice was. Him over me. See, I never wanted to make you make that choice, but it got done anyways, didn't it." he said, exhaling quietly. "Anyway. I know you're sorry. I believe you. It just doesn't really change anything. So, go. Find other people. It won't be hard for you."

Maddy shook her head. "That's a terrible way to look at things. Choosing people." She'd pick Roy over Dodge if the choice had been pushed at her. If Dodge had said 'Me or Roy'. Roy wouldn't ever leave her but now it was more of him pushing her away. As for the last part he said? Maddy bit her lip and looked out the window. "Do you... not want me around any more? Would that make you happy?" I wish for my friends to be happy... even if it means I'm not in their lives any more. Oh god, it was coming true. It was coming true. She hadn't been able to take the wish back. It wasn't possible. No...no no no.

"Yeah, well you're not the one who's being picked up or dropped, are you. You don't have to worry about how terrible that is, because it's all about you, and you're the one who gets chosen." Roy told her. "Do I not want you around? I don't know. And would it make me happy if you weren't? What, you think whether or not you're around that'll just turn everything around for me?" he asked. "It's that all about you thing at work again. It's not like if you go, I'll suddenly have no issues at all, and everything'll be shiny and happy. Or if you stay everything will be magically better either. My life isn't only in existence in direct relation to you. I'm pretty upset with you right now, and tired of all this. But it's not even the only thing on my mind either."

She looked like she'd been suckerpunched. Maddy was beyond bewildered by this point, hurt and doing a fairly admirable job of letting Roy lay into all her faults. She was too confused and overwhelmed to feel angry, even though she wanted to be. It was guilt, Maddy thought distantly as numbness really took hold. "I... I wasn't saying that," she finally said. "I meant that as would that make things easier for you. I never... I never said that I dictated your happiness or anything like that." She was quiet and distant sounding, having a difficult time wrapping her head around this. "And asking how you were, that wasn't -- I noticed that you'd been distracted on my way to work the other day and so the asking how you were doing was a general 'are things okay' and please take it and decide if you'd like to talk about anything but I don't understand..." she gave up. "I'm not a mind reader, Roy, you can't expect me to be one. I can't magically know the proper words to say to get you to open up to me. I'd like to know what's been bothering you, but I don't understand if it's this or if there's something else that's doing this."

"Doesn't matter." Roy said. "Just go, D." he said, using that again, though he still absolutely refused to call her 'doll girl'. It didn't matter how far down the spiral he was, he wasn't ever going to pull that out. He'd never called her that and always thought it was creepy and demeaning. But he was taking away the familiarity of using her name. Even if he didn't know the term for it, it was distancing language. He was feeling pretty much at the end of that spiral. About to quite well and truly go down in flames. And part of this, even if he really did feel how he was expressing to her, part of it was he didn't want to take anyone with him. He didn't have many ties to the world, period.

She was one. Marian was one. And both of them were almost exactly the same, at the end of the day. He was a supporting role in their lives, but they lived life like they were the star of their own play--as in they didn't have to support anyone else, because they were the star. Stars didn't have to support people, they were the whole point. Everyone else in the entire drama was there merely to support them. He just couldn't manage it any longer. He didn't burn bright enough to be a star in his own right, and the wear and tear on his psyche from everything else finally snapped him. Because it wasn't a play. He wasn't just some supporting cast. He was a person, with feelings, and a mind of his own, and he didn't stop existing once he wasn't on stage with them. And even if they suddenly wanted to turn around and give him some support it didn't actually undo all the damage already there. He knew it, it was something he'd been staring down for a while. Yeah. Everything was going to crash and burn.

It wasn't fair. It really wasn't fair but was she being selfish or was he being selfish? Maddy felt twisted inside, like this had all happened without her being there. She couldn't read his mind and it felt like that's a little bit of what he was asking. Maddy wasn't sure if it was dismissed this day or dismissed permanently. Either way, he wanted her gone.

Maddy left the books and apple there on the sill for him. He could do what he wanted with them. She wanted to say something but when she opened her mouth, she couldn't speak. There was just this disconnect. Shock? Was this what shock felt like? Pushing off the window, Maddy looked at him, still trying to find the words to say that would make this alright. There had to be, right? His dismissal run in her ears and again, she couldn't find the right things to say so she just left quietly. No crying or yelling. Just the quiet sound of her footsteps echoing as she headed down the stairs.