losing hope

Ever since my conversation with Zhen, I’ve had so much of it on my mind, and I feel like it all erupted today. So here I am, at the cathedral for the second time this afternoon. I can’t seem to get a grip on myself. I can’t even focus on my prayers, my thoughts are just too tangled.

I can’t believe Danny could ever think I’d want to leave him. The very thought terrifies me. He doesn’t realize he’s all I want—he is my everything, and I’ll do absolutely anything to make him happy. God, the thought of losing him—I’m shaking again. And I can’t believe he asked if I wanted to try again. I do, so badly…but it will only hurt. It’s not an option.

It’s not fair.
It’s not fair that we can’t have children, it’s not fair that Danny is drifting away, it’s not fair that I can’t save all the orphans.

It’s not fair that there are so many people in the world who are unloved. The many children living on the streets, stealing to live and selling their bodies and who knows what else. The people who have been brutally murdered—these anonymous victims. Those frozen corpses out of Bedlam—how could it be that nobody noticed them missing? How much it hurts me to imagine those poor people with nobody who cared about them. It’s not right. Everyone has so much to give, but we keep it all for ourselves, and the innocent are suffering because of it.

It’s just not fair. I know life isn’t fair, but I’m starting to doubt there even is a god that God actually cares about me, or hears my prayers. If He did, why would there be so much hurting?