misunderstand

Who: JJ and Roy
When: Afternoon
Where: On the streets

Jessie had no real purpose being out today. It was Saturday, so that meant no school. They had food at home so she wasn’t going out for lunch or to bring back anything. The only reason she was going out at all was because she really, really needed to walk. She’d gotten some news recently and it hit her hard. Hard enough that she hadn’t sleept the night before. Dodge was dead.

She still didn’t know if she believed it one hundred percent. She’d heard it from a small group of boys from her school chattering on the sidewalk about Dodge’s death. She hadn’t stopped to ask questions which she now regretted, but she hadn’t really believed it was real. Until she realized that she hadn’t seen Dodge in a really long time. She hadn’t expected him to respect her wishes and stay away from him because he was Dodge, so by now she was starting to wonder if something actually had happened to him. If he could possibly be dead and she’d ignored the news.

Sighing, she pulled her jacket closer to her and trudged on, heading absolutely nowhere in particular. This walk to clear her head was serving to do just the opposite.

Roy was out doing something pretty similar to Jessie. He was just out, wandering around with no real aim. He didn’t work that day, not for anyone, and he often didn’t know what to do with his time when it didn’t have any responsibilities to fill it. He’d considered going to see Marian, but he didn’t. He was still hurt by their last encounter, and still wondering about everything that had to do with them. So, he just kept on avoiding. Not that she wasn’t avoiding him in turn, so he judged it as being fair. Not pleasant, but fair. He glanced up as he rounded a corner, and spotted a familiar face. One that looked about as out of it as he imagined his did. “Hey.” he greeted, giving a nod, though he wasn’t sure if he should stop, or try to say anything more than that.

JJ made the decision for him, slowing her walk to a stop just by him. "Hey, Roy. How's it going?" She asked, thankful she'd run into him because at the very least, she was able to think about something else for a while. "Everything ok?" She could tell that Roy was feeling along the same lines as she was. Maybe for the same reason, maybe for a completely different reason, she wouldn't know until she asked. And not to mention she couldn't just walk by Roy and not ask how he was. She didn't see him often but it didn't mean that she lost all her manners when she did.

He shrugged at her questions. "What about you?" he asked. "You don't look real happy today." he noted. It wasn't unkindly, either. And another day he might have been more eloquent with it, but he'd been under a lot of strain lately, so it was wearing everything about him thin. But he was concerned, and even if his tone didn't quite carry it well enough, his expression made up for it.

"No, not really happy today I guess...but you didn't really answer my question. Are you ok? A shrug doesn't count." She wasn't going to let him get off the hook that easily, especially if she had to answer. "You don't really look that happy either."

Roy sighed. "Not really." he admitted, dragging his fingers through his hair. "There's...been a lot going on lately, I guess." he added, which was kind of putting it lightly. "I'm taking it you've got a lot too? Want to go for a walk or something?" He'd ask her to go get hot chocolate or coffee or something but he didn't have the money. Or more, he did, but he was still reeling over that and it was meant to go towards his 'debt'.

"Yeah, let's go for a walk." She gave a weak smile to him, stuffing her hands into her pockets again as she started back in the direction Roy'd been walking. "Yeah, I guess I'm feeling the same. Do you wanna talk about it?" She asked, glancing over her shoulder at Roy as she walked.

Roy quirked a rueful little half smile. "Okay, here's the deal. I'm concerned about you, you're concerned about me, and we could probably keep going back and forth and get nowhere for a really long time but I'm kinda exhausted and don't think I'm up for an extended runaround." he said. "So, if I tell you what's going on, you promise you'll tell me when I'm through? Or vice versa?" he suggested, looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

Jessie couldn't help but smile. "Well, that seems like a very fair deal to me. In honor of fairness, should we rock-paper-scissors to find out who goes first? Or flip a coin?" She asked, digging in her pocket for a coin only to realize she didn't have on one her. "Or maybe just rock-paper-scissors..."

Roy definitely didn't have a coin. So he smirked, and put his closed fist out. "Okay, on three." he said, then counted it down, throwing paper for his choice.

At the same time, Jessie kept her hand balled in a fist for her choice of rock, shaking her head. "You win. I guess that means you get to choose who goes first? Or does that mean it's just automatically my turn?"

"Automatically your turn." Roy decided. "So, Jessie James, what's up?" he asked, shoving his hands back into his pockets as they walked. He felt a little better just having something else to concentrate on that wasn't his stuff. That? Was very nice.

She too stuffed her hands back into her pockets and shrugged. "I've always sucked at rock-paper-scissors. Should have picked a different game..." She took a minute before looking back over at Roy, eyes only serious now. "...Is Ddoge dead? I heard from a couple boys from school that he's dead but.." She trailed off and instead just looked at him again, waiting for an answer.

Roy had managed to miss that. But then he'd been avoiding talking to pretty much everyone for a few days except for Maddy who'd been staying with him, but he'd definitely missed it. "...I--" he started. "I don't know? I would think if you heard it, it's true." he said, looking at the sidewalk. "...he didn't exactly live a risk free life, y'know? And he tended to piss a lot of people off, a lot of the time." It wasn't that he was uneffected, it was more that he just didn't know what to think. It wasn't like there was any love lost between he and Dodge.

That was somewhat how Jessie felt, like she didn't know what to think about this. "I..don't know either. I mean...I wasn't exactly happy with him the last time I saw him but I sure as hell didn't want him dead." She looked straight ahead, thinking that Roy's answer didn't really ease any of her troubles, more like escalated them. Because now she was going to have to realize that Dodge probably was dead. "There just...I only heard it that one time, you know? What if he isn't? Why would a rumor like that be flying around if he wasn't dead?"

"I have no idea. What exactly did you hear?" Roy asked. "Other than that, I..." He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "He was one of us, JJ." he said, voice actually gentle there. "You've got a family, and a home, but people like Dodge, like me, or DG, we don't. Like Pepper didn't, and she's gone. Sometimes it happens. We don't really have the same kind of life you do. If something happened to you, everyone would be shocked. But Dodge? He was a gang leader and a thief who liked to play anyone who was female. That's...that's asking for a whole lot of trouble, on a lot of levels."

"I was walking by them and all I heard was them saying something about how Dodge was dead. How they’d have to find a different way to get their cigarettes. I should have stopped and asked them about it but I didn't." Looking back at Roy, Jessie shook her head. "That's not really fair. Yeah, Dodge was an ass, but don't you think even he deserved more than a rumor about his death? If he is dead..." She stopped herself, looking back down at her feet. "Everyone deserves more than just a rumor. And he did some really stupid, really awful things, but that doesn't mean his death should just be written off...Whether or not he has a family doesn't matter when it comes to this. I need to know for sure if he's here or if he's dead."

"I don't really know what to tell you, JJ." Roy said. "And I didn't say it should be written off, I'm just telling you what it's like, and that the guy wasn't a saint. He hurt a whole lot of people, on a lot of levels. I can't even tell you what he did to a friend of mine, she's a wreck, and has been for ages now. And ya know, we just recently lost another friend and she deserved better too, but she wasn't even ever found. I know this doesn't fit in with your world veiw and everything, but if you're looking for someone to cry over the guy with, I'm not the best bet." he said, not angry or anything. Just honest. “People die, things are unfair, and no one notices. It’s just how things are for people like us.”

"Roy, that's not what I'm saying. I was just asking a question. And it's not like I live up in an ivory tower either. I'm not saying I had the same experiences as anyone else, but it would be nice not to just be lumped into a group of people. Kind of seems like you just separate people into groups based on what they have." She said with that same sort of not angry, but honest tone. "I'm not crying over him. I'm just confused. I want answers. And I know he did a lot of shitty things, things to people outside of my family and in my family. I'm not happy with him at all, but that doesn't mean I can't do a little digging and see if this is actually real or not. It's just what was bugging me. We made a deal and I told you what was bugging me. Which means it's your turn now."

Roy looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "That's how it is." he said. "There are more than two kinds of people? But the main one in this city are the haves and the have-nots. You have things. You're a girl who's taken care of, at the end of the day. We're people who don't have that. who have to worry about freezing to death. If we ever get sick? That's 'hey, I might die' territory. And whether or not you want to accept that that's a difference, it really, really is. Actually the fact that you don't want to or want to look at everything from an idealized point of view just proves the point." he said. "You have the luxury to do that. You can view things from a better place because you don't know what it's like to be in a different one. If it was some kid from your school that died? It wouldn't be just a rumor. Everyone would know for sure, right? They'd have some thing at school for them, a prayer or something. there'd be a proper funeral. But with Dodge, or Pepper...not so much. Someone like you goes missing and everyone notices. People like us...it happens all the time, and no one cares. Call the paper, or the police. See if they know." he suggested to her, since she said what her goal was. Not that he thought she was finished with her end. "Was it only Dodge that was bothering you?"

"Roy, for once, can we have a conversation where it's just Roy and JJ, not Roy who doesn't have things and JJ who does?" She asked, looking back over at him. "Maybe that's idealized of me but don't you think it'd be nice? For it to just be us with no predetermined 'she thinks this way' or 'he thinks this way' because of our lives?" Jessie took a moment and shrugged again, pulling her jacket down more by the pockets. "Mostly. There's other stuff like me falling behind in school..." And Aunt Becky moving in and my dad getting hurt helping her..."And I saw my mom the other day but it's not important compared to someone's possible death."

"The only time I bring it up is when you're standing there going on about stuff and it's clear you don't get it." Roy said. "That's when it's most obvious to me. So I try to help you get it. And maybe you don't like hearing it, but it seems pretty clear to me that you still just don't get it. And that perspective or lack of it plays in to what we're talking about. Like the Dodge thing. Honestly? You might never be able to find out for certain, and that's just something that won't happen to people like you. Like for me...like when Pepper went missing, it's just...we've all figured she's dead but none of us know. And we're not going to. All we can do is guess. You want solid answers, but you're kinda asking them about someone who lives in a world where there aren't any. It's just a point of view thing. I get what you're saying and why, it just doesn't work the same. And you kinda don't seem to get that." He dragged his fingers through his hair. "And I think that other stuff's important." he told her. "I think family's more important than anything." he said, voice a little quieter. "Isn't it?"

"I get that, Roy, but that doesn't mean I can't search for answers on my own. I may never find them, but I have to try anyway. I can't sit around and not try. It's just something I have to do. And maybe you'll think it's pointless and maybe in the end I won't get any answers, but at least I'll know I tried." Taking a moment, she looked back at him to judge the expression on his face. "Of course family's important. It's the most important thing. But Veronica isn't my family. So fess up, Roy, it's your turn to tell me what's bugging you. No more turning this around on me. What's wrong?"

He made a bit of a face. "You just added more on your end that's bothering you. To me that seems like we're not done with you yet." he said. "but fine, maybe we'll just take turns. There's a lot of things bothering me. People. Situations. I guess I could...I dunno. On the subject of family, there's my sister." he admitted. "I have a lot of family, but we're all scattered. i don't even know where half of them are anymore. Marian, though, I know where she is. I was always closest with her. Only...she sort of..." he trailed off, not sure how to put it, and it was clear from his expression that whatever it was, it was deeply troubling.

"What happened?" She asked, looking back over at him. "Is she ok?" That was the first thing she thought of when someone had that face. That maybe something had happened to Marian. Of course, if that wasn't the case she'd probably come up with a different answer, but finding out if his sister was ok seemed important.

"As far as I know, she's fine." Roy said. "No, it's more...okay, don't tell anyone any of this, okay?" he said, looking at her. "I don't really talk about this stuff. But she kind of avoids me a lot. And it's because I know her really well, and I know about some things she's not proud of and stuff. So sometimes she can't deal with me. But it's been more and more. And last time she was avoiding me, she ran into me by accident. And I--" he stopped again, having a really really hard time with it. "it was right after I found out about Pepper. So I was really upset, and I wasn't even acting like me anymore and she just...she didn't even ask me what was wrong." he said. "She didn't even ask if I was okay."

Ok, that sucked. That was wrong. To avoid your own brother was one thing, but to not even ask him what was wrong? She was pretty sure if Roy was describing it like that, he must have looked really upset. "Maybe you should go and tell her that her avoiding you like that sucked. And that you could have used her support then? Just because you know a lot about her doesn't mean that she should be avoiding you, especially when you need her." Really, Jessie wanted to suggest that he storm up to Marian and demand that she act like a better sister, but that was rude. She didn't know everything that had happened between Roy and Marian, but it just shouldn't matter. Even if you were fighting, knowing a family member needed you trumped everything else.

Roy was quiet for a few moments, before he sighed. "...mostly I'm just wondering if she cares at all anymore. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she's getting on with her own life, doesn't want to deal with me anymore, and that's that. Maybe she never cared, and I just held onto that idea so I wouldn't feel so alone all the time. But I mean...with the fact that she avoids me all the time anyways--maybe I was just making up excuses for her?" he suggested. "Maybe that's not the case at all, and she just doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. It's not like i could blame her. I know I'm not always easy to deal with."

Jessie frowned. "That shouldn't matter. Whether you're easy to deal with or not, you're family. And sitting around second guessing whether she cares about you isn't going to get you anywhere. Maybe you need to go up to her and ask her? Which could be scary..Maybe not ask her but tell her that she needs to include you more in her life. You're family, that's what families do. Support each other. And you deserve that support no matter what she has going on in her life, just like she deserves your support for the same reason."

"She's got a job, and a real place to live." Roy said. "What if I'm just not good to have around for her? I mean, like I said, I know how I get. I know I'm hard to deal with. I try not to be, but I know I am. I mean, maybe she's just looking at it like a choice. Hey, she could have a life that might get better sometime, or she can have a crazy, homeless brother who can't keep his shit together. Not much of a choice, there."

"Ok, first of all, Roy? You need to stop right there,"Jessie said. "Going around calling yourself crazy and homeless and saying you're not good enough for your own sister? All that negative crap you're saying about yourself needs to stop. You deserve better than that. What does saying any of that do for you? It doesn't help you fix things with Marian and it sure as hell doesn't help you feel better, about yourself or anything else. So you need to stop and realize that you're not what you say you are. And you're right, it's not a choice. You're family, there shouldn't be anything to choose. You're her brother. No matter what, she needs to be there and support you. And if she isn't doing that, then you need to tell her. But nothing's going to happen by you two avoiding each other and never talking about anything."

Roy was quiet for a few long moments. "How do you know that I deserve better?" he asked. "Or that I'm not crazy? You already know I'm homeless. But you can't even say that talking to me isn't frustrating, you were just frustrated with me like ten minutes ago. Maybe less. And I know me. I know half the time I'm just...not quite on the level. It's scary, you know. Knowing that. Being able to understand it but not being able to fix it." he said, voice getting very quiet at that point, because it was something he'd never shared with anyone before.

Jessie looked back over at him, taking in the seriousness of his words. "I didn't say it wasn't frustrating, but you're not the only frustrating person in the world. I'm frustrating. I can tell you get frustrated with me and that's ok." She took a moment before going on. "Roy, you deserve better than that. You need to believe that too. It's not something you get or don't get because of outside sources, it's something you deserve no matter what. You're only focusing on the negative, but you forget other things. Like the fact that you're a good friend, you're always doing people favors and fixing things for them. And if you didn't want to be homeless, I could try to help you with that. I know that probably sounds lofty and idealized like a lot of what I say sounds to you," She said, a small smile on her lips in hopes of showing him that she was poking fun at herself, "but I'd try to help if I can and you want me to. As for not being on the level? Well, I think maybe you should try and give yourself more credit. Maybe you've tried all of this before, I don't know, but it can't hurt to try again. If you try and stop, you're not getting anywhere, but if you keep trying? Something's bound to go your way sometime. But you can't succeed if you don't put forth the effort."

"I don't understand what you're saying." Roy said. "...or you don't understand what I'm saying." he added, figuring it was one of the two. "How does anything you said there actually pertain to the fact that I'm not right?" he asked, tapping his temple. "Because that's what I was talking about, and you...how does what you're saying apply?"

"How does you not being 'right' pertain to you not deserving support from Marian? It doesn't in my mind. And it doesn't mean that you don't deserve the best of what's out there. Just because you don't think you're on the same level with other people doesn't mean that makes it right for them to ignore you or avoid you and it especially doesn't make it right for you to believe that's what should happen." She looked back at him again, a frown on her features. "You've never seemed like you aren't all there to me, Roy. You've seemed troubled before, like there's a big burden on you that you just can't get off, but never like you aren't completely there."

"The stuff with Marian, that's something else, JJ. I--honestly, this is the first time I've ever even tried to talk to someone about my...issues, I guess. Blowing them all off and keeping back on the Marian track doesn't really encourage me to do it again." he said with a sigh. "It's not all about her. It hurts, what's happening with her, and my ideas for why she's gone play in with that, but that's...that's not everything. That's not the problem." he said, sounding defeated.

Jessie reached for Roy finally, stopping their walk so she could look at him. The conversation was serious and she needed Roy to know that she hadn't meant to blow off the seriousness of it. "I'm sorry, that's not how I meant it. I just..I didn't know. I still don't exactly know what you mean when you say you're not on the same level as other people. I'm not trying to discourage you, I was just trying to connect the dots. Talk to me about it, I'm listening. Help me understand."

He considered, looking wary for a long few moments, but in the end he sighed, and headed down an alley, not very far but at least off of the street before he leaned against the wall, and looked at her shoes. "I don't know how to explain it totally." he admitted. "It's more just...you know emotions, they follow a logical order. You feel happy when something good happens, you feel sad when something bad happens, so on and so forth." he said. "It's not always like that for me. They're kind of all over the map. I'm irrational a lot of the time, and it's like I can see that I'm being unreasonable? But I can't stop it."

She followed him, leaning against the wall on the opposite side so she could look at him while he talked. By the end of his sentence, she wasn't sure what to say about it. She didn't want to wait too long, though, and freak him out more so she tried to think of something quickly. "That's not your fault, though, especially if it's something you can't stop. And it seems like you've tried to stop them but just don't know how to, so you've taken the first step. At least you're aware something's happening. You say it just happens irrationally a lot of the time? But sometimes it's triggered by something? Do you mean like..you're mad but you feel like you're unreasonably mad?"

"sometimes, yeah." Roy said. "But not all the time. Sometimes things just...spiral. Like I'm drowning." he admitted. "And I don't know how to stop it, and I don't know why it happens. And whether or not it's my fault doesn't really matter, it doesn't make it better. I'm pretty sure lots of people fall behind the 'couldn't help it' excuse. Dodge did, that's for damn sure and it doesn't make anything he did okay either."

"Maybe asking a doctor could help? I know that might not be ideal, especially if you don't like talking about it, but there might be something they know about this that could help you. If you end up wanting to do that, I'll go with you if you want." It was unbelievably concerning, knowing that Roy felt like he was drowning in his own emotions sometimes. She wanted to try and help but all she could come up with sounded trivial compared to the problem itself. "Or maybe..maybe when you feel it start to happen, you close your eyes and count to ten or to whatever number it takes for you to feel like you're in control again?" She felt more than a little helpless trying to find a way to help Roy stop what was happening to him when she couldn't put herself in his shoes to experience it in the first place. She also felt like what she was saying was a little offensive, even though that was the furthest thing from her mind. She just wanted to offer up something, anything that might help Roy. "Have you tried that before?"

Roy looked at JJ, pained. "...and you say that the whole have-versus-have nots isn't an issue." he said. "JJ, I'm homeless. I don't have the money to see a doctor. I don't have the option to see anyone like that, especially not for something that isn't going to cause me to die. I'm from a group of people that a cold can kill. Do you see what I mean now?" he asked, shaking his head and looking away. "Yes, I've tried to take time to calm down, it just...doesn't usually work. I need some outside influence to alter things. I can't do it on my own."

"Roy..I'd help you. I'd do whatever I could to help. I don't have a lot of money either, but I get an allowance and I can save it up to pay for a doctor's visit. If you'd let me and if that's something you'd want to do..." Jessie didn't want Roy to feel like a charity case. She certainly didn't see him as one. She just saw a friend who needed help and she wanted to do what she could to offer him it. She caught his eyes, giving him an encouraging look. "So until we can figure out what this outside influence is, why don't you try to think of someone there with you, telling you that you don't have to feel this way. That you have control over this and it doesn't have control over you. Maybe if you think that someone else is saying it, it'll make it less overwhelming and more manageable?"

That spiral feeling was something that Roy could feel coming on even as he listened to her. He was feeling more and more like she didn't understand, and he really appreciated that she wanted to help and was trying, but it wasn't so easy as she thought. And some allowance she got wasn't going to pay for a doctor. And him just making up imaginary people to tell him things wasn't going to work either. Because it wasn't real. And it wouldn't be anyone else, it would just be him, only slightly crazier than usual because he was making up other people or imagining people were there. He didn't think that really went towards the sanity end of the spectrum. In the end, he was quiet for a long time, looking at the ground. "Thanks for listening." he said, tone quiet and hollow sounding. "I think I'm going to get going though. I hope you find out what you need to know about Dodge."

"Roy..Wait, don't go. I'm trying to help, really. Please, just...stay. Let's try to sort this out." She frowned, reaching for him again. JJ didn't want to see him leave, not when he sounded like that. "There's got to be something we can do to help it. Something we can at least try. I didn't mean to upset you, they're just ideas. I thought the more ideas thrown out there, the more likely that there's something in them that might help you."

"I know you are." Roy said. "And I appreciate it. I just...don't think you understand. And from what you're saying, I don't think you can, and that's probably a good thing. If you could understand then you'd probably be a lot less well adjusted, and that wouldn't be good. But it really just makes me feel worse. Makes me feel more alone. I know you're not trying to do that, and you didn't mean to upset me. I'm not mad. It's not you, JJ." he promised, not wanting her to feel bad.

"Maybe I don't understand. Maybe I can't but I don't want you to feel alone and I don't want you to feel worse. Would it help if I stop trying to come up with ways for it to stop and just..be here? Listen and be supportive instead of trying to fix it? Because that's definitely doable." At least in her mind, being there gave him something he could count on. And it was something she could definitely give him. That ear to listen and that shoulder to lean on. It cost nothing and she was more than willing to do.

He leaned back against the building again, and looked at her, even if his head was hung a little. It put his hair into his eyes, and in those moments he looked broken. It was something that was common for him, or it was when he was feeling like this. “I don’t think it’ll do anything. And I don’t think I should dump all my crazy on you. I shouldn’t have brought it up to begin with.”

She watched him for a moment, but shook her head. "Roy...you're not crazy. I still don't think you're crazy. I think you're dealing with something you can't control and you need help, but you're having trouble finding it. But for the record, I'm glad you told me. Not glad you have to deal with this, but glad you let me know because I'll do what I can to help. I might not understand or know what it's like, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. I'll listen if you ever want to talk about it and I'll be there if you don't, but just need someone around. All you have to do is find me."

He hesitated, and it was clear in his eyes and expression that he was trying to decide if he could trust her or not. "Really?" he finally asked, just to have that confirmation, even if he was aware that she wasn't going to suddenly change tune two seconds later. Still, he might actually keep it in mind. He didn't know if he'd take her up on it, but he couldn't say he wouldn't.

"Really, Roy. Promise." She said, trying to give him a reassuring look. This was a scary situation for him and she didn't know how she'd handle it if she were in his shoes, but she figured that knowing someone was there couldn't hurt. She didn't say anything else, instead just letting him decide if he still wanted to leave or not.

He nodded. “Thanks.” he said. “I appreciate that.” He should still probably go, though, and showed that as he stood straight again. “I should go, though. I hope you find out what you were going for.” he said.

Jessie nodded a little, kicking off the wall too when he did. She reached for his arm again, this time taking it and giving it a light squeeze. "Anytime, ok? I'm around. And thanks. Be careful out there, please."

Roy gave her a light, little half smile, as he watched her eyes for a moment. She was a cute girl, sometimes. “I will.” he told her, taking the initiative to for once reach out and give her hand a squeeze. “I’ll be okay.” he said. which was contrary to everything he’d said already, but still.

"If you are or if you aren't, doesn't matter. Offer stands either way." She said, squeezing Roy's hand back and returning the smile with one of her own. Hopefully Roy would take her up on that offer, because she didn't want to see him suffering alone. And even if it had upset him earlier, she was going to do some brainstorming later on how to help him more. She just might not lay all the options on him at once.