Not Enough Time

Who: Miles and Ally
Where: The Train Station
When: Flashback

Ally felt like she was intruding. She wasn’t family and this was supposed to be a family moment but Miles was her best friend and he was going away to war. She couldn’t not be there. Adjusting her wide brim hat, she stood a little ways away from where he was standing with his parents, unsure of whether or not she should approach. It was an ungodly hour and there was a light fog in the air, mingling with the steam of the train and she shivered, plucking at the ends of her hair. It was the one nervous habit she had, that she indulged in when she thought no one would be paying attention.

It was finally time. The day he’d be leaving. Somehow it didn’t feel real and yet was one of the clearest moments of his life. All the waiting, all the talk, all the goals he’d set for himself were coming to fruition.

His mother looked worried. She smiled in that gently encouraging, maternal way but the apprehension couldn’t quite be hidden. Two sons had already been shipped off and now her youngest was leaving too. Venturing into danger with the possibility of not returning. Miles didn’t take that lightly, but he was sure he’d come back. It may have been refusal to accept the true gravity of the situation or wanting to play hero but he couldn’t imagine himself ending up as nothing more than a body riddled with bullet holes. Or worse.

As he’d expected, his father gave away no such emotion. Miles thought he saw a hint of pride. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. He knew that however impressed his father may have been, it was always going to be coupled with the conviction that Miles wasn’t cut out for the military. He was too sensitive, too studious. He didn’t have the physicality of his brothers. He wasn’t tough in the hard, severe way his father defined it. The look in the man’s eyes said that his son was going to fail. Miles was determined to prove him wrong.

He glanced around the station for the countless time. Just on the off chance that he might see her there. Each time she failed to appear was a little disappointment. Really, Miles didn’t expect her to show up. But he hoped she would. Even if it was only to say goodbye. This time, however, he wasn’t met with disappointment. There she was. Miles had to stare at her for a moment to make sure it wasn’t him wanting her to be there. A case of mistaken identity. Slowly he started to smile.

Excusing himself from his parents, Miles went over to her. Suddenly feeling awkward, he ran a hand through his hair, not knowing exactly what to say. “You look cold,” he eventually came out with.

As Miles approached her, Ally dropped her hands and folded them in front of her in the familiar effort of pulling her composure together. He looked so different that it was difficult at first to recognize him. His dark green uniform neatly pressed, his hair tamed. He seemed taller, bigger even but then he was right in front of her and mussing his hair and, oh. Ally thought she might start crying. That wouldn’t do and she bit her lip before reaching out and straightening his tie. “And you look very dashing,” she said, smiling up at him as she smoothed out the lapels. She was fussing. Alaizabel never fussed but she was fussing. “I’m sorry I’m late. I wasn’t sure...” Her eyes slid over to his parents who were watching them and she quickly looked back at him. She was never sure what the Langleys thought of her. “You look dashing,” she said again.

Miles looked down at himself, the expression on his face saying that he didn’t entirely agree with her. He’d go as far to say he looked smart. Though that was kind of a given. Part of him liked the fact she’d said it anyway. A more sensible part told him it was likely that she was simply being nice, and that he shouldn’t think anything else about it anyway. “You’re not late. I haven’t left yet.” It was hard to be late when your presence wasn’t a certainty. While he was aware of the two pairs of eyes on them, he didn’t acknowledge them. If they wanted to stare, they could stare. “I’m glad you came. It wouldn’t be right to leave without saying goodbye to you.” It sounded so final when it was said aloud. So he added, “Until everything is over and I can say hello again.” If she was still going to be around. If she was still going to be his friend. A whole slew of ‘ifs’ that made the future so open and so unsure.

His expression got a wider smile out of her and she gave a final tug on his jacket. “I wasn’t going to let you leave without seeing you,” she said very matter of factly. There were so many things she wanted to say but couldn’t find the words to put to them. All her concentration was going into her defense mechanisms. Slightly removed, smiling, perfectly calm. None of them including sobbing and throwing her arms around him and never letting go, no matter how much she wanted to. “And I’ll be right here to say hello back,” she assured, swallowing down the lump in her throat. “Miles...” I love you, please don’t leave. Stay with me

Those words had him silenced for a moment. Plenty could be read into those words. The answers to his questions, the ease to his worries. Or they could be the words of one friend to another because that’s what friends did. Not wanting to stand there like an idiot, he smiled back at her and gave a nod. “It’ll be like falling back into old times,” he told her with a purposely casual air. Because things didn’t have to be different. And the ways in which he hoped things might be different... Well, they were never going to happen. Miles looked at her questioningly, waiting for her to finish. When she didn’t he said, “Ally?” God only knew what was on her mind. Miles wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know.

She didn’t want them to fall back in old times. She wanted to forge new times with him but he was leaving and she was a coward. It wasn’t until he said her name that she shook herself out of her thoughts and she looked up at him, brown eyes soft as she tried to say everything without actually saying it. “As long as you don’t fall in love with some pretty nurse and bring her back. I like being the only girl on your arm.” She grinned and nervously reached up to tug on her hair before catching herself. “I’m going to write to you. Every week. As much as I can. If you ever get sick of me, just tell me and I’ll stop. I don’t want to cramp your style. Women seem to have a thing for soldiers these days.”

He had to laugh a little at that. “I don’t think any pretty nurses are going to be falling in love with me.” There was only one pretty girl he had eyes for. The one who said she liked being on his arm as what he could only assume to be a tease. There was a brief sadness in his eyes as he looked at her. He could be a Marine, he could prove his father wrong but he could never be good enough for her. She was accustomed to a life he could never give her. She deserved the life he could never give her. “I don’t really have any style to cramp. And I’d never get sick of you. So make sure you regale me with all the little details.” How she was, what she was doing, if there was anyone new in her life. All the little details.

“You don’t ever give yourself enough credit,” she scolded out of habit, hating it when he put himself down like that. “And you do have a style. It comes with that amazing hair of yours.” It really was great hair. Fabulous hair. It almost made her jealous. She smiled at his promise of never getting sick of her and nodded. “Everything. All those boring things you listen to me ramble on. I promise to keep my shoe buying sprees to a minimum though. I won’t torture you.” Ally wanted him to keep smiling. His eyes looked so sad and her own drifted over to the big clock on the wall. “Where are you being shipped off to? Do you know yet?” There wasn’t enough time. There needed to be more time.

He quirked a smile at the hair comment, one hand instinctively going up to try and get it to lay neatly again. “Maybe your sense of style has rubbed off in me,” he conceded. Ally always looked well put together. She always looked more than that. Being a beautiful girl made that somewhat effortless. “Torture me all you want. You never know, you might have to buy a pair of great shoes for some important event and have to tell me about them.” An event like a date. But he wasn’t going to come out and say that. Expressing too much interest in what she might get up to while he was gone wasn’t going to help matters. “The Pacific.” Which was about all he knew. Had he had more details, he doubted he would have revealed them. It might make her worry. And that thought was bittersweet - although he didn’t want her to fret, he did like the idea of being in her thoughts. Of her being concerned. “I’ll write back. When I can.”

“With all the good you’ve done me, it’s about time I rubbed off on you,” she laughed as he tried to get his hair to cooperate but she sobered up and reached out to adjust his tie again. There hadn’t been much word of what was going on over there. All you heard about was France and Austria and the boys over there. Never anything about Japan. “A paradise I hear. Palm trees and coconuts. Like Hawaii.” She smiled at him, trying to make it sound like an adventure when the reality was worse. “You’ll have to tell me all about it.”

“I’ve tried my best,” he said with a shrug, smiling along with it. Watching her fiddle with his tie, he wondered if he’d really done that bad of a job with it or if it was something akin to sentimentality. Scooping her up into a hug crossed his mind. Instead he just said, “I’m going to be lost without you to make me look presentable.” And in a hundred other ways besides that. “I’ll tell you all about the sights. Just imagine me under one of those palm trees splitting a coconut in half. Maybe I’ll bring one back for you.” An exotic trip to faraway places. He’d already decided that would be the tone of whatever letters he sent. Describe the scene the way he’d want her to imagine it. Not the sights that made him sick thinking about them.

“Oh, well, the disheveled look is appropriate in some cases as well,” she assured, still forcing that smile to remain on her face. It was that or crying and crying just wouldn’t do. “Would you? That’s all you’ll be doing. Eating coconuts and bananas and becoming worldly and mysterious.” It was a wonderful fantasy that she clung to and she was grateful that he was playing along with it. “When you come back, we’ll have to go somewhere exotic. Like Havannah. I’ve never been to Cuba. We could spend the winter there. I’m sure you’ll never want to endure another winter after being in the tropics.” Moving her hands from his tie she started brushing his shoulders and straightening his jacket. She was never this fidgety and Ally was sure that he was probably thinking she’d gone mad but she wasn’t sure what to do with herself. He hadn’t said anything to her that signalled a planned declaration of love or some proposal and so she kept her mouth shut on that front. Ally ignored the other couples on the platform. They were Miles and Ally. They did things their own way. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” she said, unable to meet his eyes this time. “I’m useless enough already.” She couldn’t cook for one. Miles had to make sure she didn’t burn the apartment down.

“I’ll bring you back all kinds of things.” If he could, he’d find some trinkets for her. He imagined himself presenting them to her, a box of souvenirs and frippery, and she’d know that he’d still thought about her. She’d know and she’d smile and they’d become treasured mementos because he’d brought them for her. And then maybe dogs would miaow and the sky would fall down because that was about as likely. Still somewhere caught up in his own thoughts, he answered her a touch too quickly with, “I’ll go anywhere you want.” Then his brain kicked in and processed the fact that she was talking about going away with him. And that he had seemed very keen on the idea. “Like you said, the cold of Eidolon is going to be too much once I’ve acclimatised to the sun.” There. That made him sound less desperate. Catching her hands gently in his, Miles ducked to be level with her, a frown on his face. “Hey. That’s enough. You’re not useless.” Straightening up, he held onto her hands a second longer then let them go. “You’ll do all kinds of things while I’m gone. I know you. I know you’ll be great.” The frown turned to a reassuring smile.

“Neither are you,” she reminded him, finally looking back at him. She was both relieved and saddened that he’d dropped her hands because then he wouldn’t be able to feel the slight tremble in them. “You’re going to be brilliant over there, Miles. You’re going to be decorated and given honors. You’ll prove everyone wrong and show them just how amazing you can be.” Everyone meaning, most importantly, his father. She didn’t know all the details, but Ally was smart enough to figure out that Mr Langley did not always approve of his youngest son. “We’ll be brilliant on our own and then we’ll be... well, we’ll take on the world when you come back and I’m expecting you to bring me those presents. I’ll get something for you in return, I suppose. For all your hard work in serving our country.” Ally’s look was haughty but her eyes were warm and teasing.

He knew she meant well. He knew she was trying to build him up. And he appreciated it. If she truly believed in him, he really appreciated it. The trouble was the pressure. The expectations he imposed on himself, the ones imposed on him by others. The doubt, the thought he’d disappoint them, it always resonated in the back of his mind. All the determination in the world hadn’t been able to change that. If he came back disgraced, he didn’t think he’d be able to look any of them in the eye again. Rather than her praise, he focused on Ally’s use of the word ‘we’. We’ll take on the world. The two of them, a unit. God, this was so much harder than he wanted it to be. Eventually he made himself smile. “The world won’t know what’s hit it.” Nodding at her teasing, the smile grew more genuine. “Never let it be said that you’re not generous. Whatever it is, it’ll take pride of place on my mantle.”

She was going to cry. Ally was certain as her eyes stung and she didn’t want Miles’ last memory of her to be of her sobbing. She didn’t want him carrying that image into battle and throwing decorum aside, she threw her arms around his neck and pressed her face into his shoulder, hugging him tightly. He was her best friend after all and she might not see him again. Instead of tears, she wanted him to remember that she cared about him. “I’m going to miss you so much, Miles,” she said, her voice somewhat muffled against the fabric of his jacket. If she could do anything, she could do this, composure be damned for this one moment.

It took him a moment to react, shocked to see her poise slip. Winding his arms around her, Miles hugged her back. He could enjoy the moment while it lasted. He could allow himself that much. “I’m going to miss you too,” he told her softly. Inside he ached. Maybe he hadn’t made the right decision. Maybe there was some small chance that she... But he couldn’t ignore his sense of duty on the sake of chance. More selfishly, he couldn’t bring himself to give up his dreams on a maybe. One had stroked over her hair for just a moment then he made himself pull away. There was a train. There was a war. There were reasons he couldn’t let himself linger. “Don’t...” Forget me. “Be a stranger.” The smile on his lips didn’t reach his eyes.

When Miles pulled away, it felt like he took a piece of herself with him. There was a soft, strangled kind of sound and she took a deep breath in an effort to calm herself down. Around them, soldiers were starting to board the train and her heart started beating faster. There wasn’t enough time. Not enough time. “You’re going to come back, Miles. If you get yourself in trouble, so help me I will come over there and get you myself,” she said and her voice was caught between fierce determination and that strangled upset sound. “I will be standing right here when you come back. I promise you.” And then I’ll tell you everything.

He almost laughed because he could picture her marching onto a battlefield and dragging him back home. When she was set on something, she was set. “I am coming back,” he told her, as if there was no question about it. He wasn’t going to let there be a question about it. He had to come back, if only to see her again. “So I’ll see you right here.” He wanted to believe her promise. He wanted her to wait for him. It was a selfish notion and one he would never ask of her. It wasn’t fair. But if she was still there when he returned, things could be different.

“Right here,” she confirmed with a nod of her head, the brim of the hat bobbing in time. “Oh! I got you something to take with you.” Ally reached for her purse hanging off her shoulder, cursing herself for forgetting such an important gift. Pulling the little box out, she held it out to him. “It probably won’t be very useful but I saw it and thought of you and, well, all soldiers are supposed to have mementos from girls back home, right?”

“You didn’t have to do that.” Secretly, he was pleased. It didn’t matter what was inside the box. It was something from her. That was the important part. Miles carefully opened the box and looked inside. A pocket watch. He hadn’t expected her to get him anything, let alone a gift like that. “You really shouldn’t have,” he mumbled. He should have gotten her something. She’d bought him this and he had nothing for her. Not wanting it to get scuffed or damaged the moment he had it, he closed the box and slipped it into his pocket. “It’s great. Really great.” She was great. “Ally... Thank you.”

Ally blushed, pleased that he liked it and she shrugged as if it wasn’t such a big deal. “Promise me you’ll open it up properly when you have the chance. I thought you might need something to show off to your new friends... and that’ll make more sense when you see what’s inside.” She wasn’t even thinking about him getting her something and a long time ago, she probably would have, but she was different now despite still being frivolous. That was thanks to him.

He looked at her curiously, a slight smile playing on his lips. “Do you want me to open it up now...?” He couldn’t help but wonder what was inside, what she meant by that. Something he could show off. It was interesting, to say the least. For a moment he just looked at her, eyes full of fondness. “You’re really something, Ally.” In the best way possible.

She pursed her lips and shook her head even though she was red. “I’m a better person because of you. If you want to open it now, you can, if only so I can see the look on your face but you don’t have to.” He was looking at her with that curious little smile and she had to remember that it was nothing more than amusement.

Miles was touched by her saying that. Only it wasn’t really true. “You’re a better person because of you,” he told her sincerely. “You wouldn’t be who you are now if you didn’t want to be.” All he’d done was show her how to solve a few equations and that there was life outside of the well-off and stately. Hardly anything major. “I think I’ll open it later,” he said slowly, unsure about the contents. “It’ll give me something to put in my first letter.”

It was an argument that neither would win, old and familiar that it was so Ally didn’t argue with him. “You’ll have to tell me all about basic training and everything about what you’re doing too.” Part of her was glad that he wouldn’t open the watch until later. It would save her from second thoughts. It was then that the train gave it’s whistle, startling her and she looked over as more people began to board. Not enough time she thought and looked back up at Miles. “There’s something else too,” she said hoarsely, panic rising in her chest.

“I’ll tell you all about it. You’ll be an expert by the time I get back.” That wasn’t strictly true. He’d stick to the mundane, as mundane as it would get, and the facts. Nothing too emotive, nothing too concerning. He glanced at the train almost with annoyance, as if it was purposely trying to rob him of his last few moments with her. His gaze went straight back to her as she spoke, worried by the tone. He almost didn’t ask what it was. “Something else...?” he asked quietly.

Ally just stared up at him, luminous brown eyes large and bright as she struggled to keep that composure in check. Her mouth was dry as she tried to find the words. I love you and when you come back, we should get married and she was trying to say it, her lips parted, her heart pounding in her chest as the train whistled again. “Come back,” she blurted out, feeling herself break inside. Stupid. Stupid girl. “Come back and I’ll tell you.”

He watched her closely, waiting for the words to come. A sinking feeling stirred in the pit of his stomach. If she was struggling, it couldn’t be good. It couldn’t be good and he had to get on a train and leave. Though that could be for the best. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with it. Looking perplexed when she did speak, he just nodded for a start. What can’t you tell me? “I’m coming back,” he said resolutely. “You can tell me. You can tell me anything.” Even if it’s going to kill me, you can tell me.

“Right here. I’ll be standing right here when you come back.” The conductor was yelling out and Ally was shaking as she grabbed him and kissed his cheek before moving back. “And if something happens I’ll come get you and we’ll go to Havannah and I miss you already.” She was struggling to hold onto her panic but it was starting to slip through as he was being pulled away and she was such a stupid, stupid girl and now it was too late.

Miles found himself walking backwards towards the train but his mind was still there with her. She’d kissed his cheek. He should have kissed her. He should have said something. He shouldn’t have let her say goodbye and sent her away to get on with her life. He should have done so many things but now all he was doing was getting on a train. “We’re going to Havannah,” he called out to her. “Have your bags packed and ready to go. We’ll both be worldly and mysterious. Together.”

“I will! Tickets ready and everything!” She was grateful that he was away from her because then he wouldn’t be able to see the tears that were rolling down her face and she didn’t wipe them away, not wanting to worry him. “You show them all, Miles!” She was making a fool of herself but she didn’t care. Not then.

It was less a case of Miles getting on the train and more a case of him being bundled onto it. Not that it stopped him still yelling out to her. “Like I said, the world won’t know what’s hit it!” They’d go on their trip. They could watch the sun rise and set and not care about anything else. He’d meet her on the platform and take her away. Once it was all over, everything could begin.