private journal 4-6

Submitted by headstrong on Sun, 12/11/2011 - 04:49.

46

I never fucking hurt him. I didn't pull the trigger, I didn't ask anyone else to pull the trigger. I didn't even know about it! Yet I've heard twice now, people wanting to give me the gorey details, like it's my fault. Not even Jason thinks it is. He doesn't blame me in the slightest. Apparently they do. And who gives either of them the right to attack me like that? To come at me, when it's none of their business in the first place? Both of them seemed panicked that I'm in his life, though honestly? I don't think it is because of the shooting, I think it's because they're jealous. I think that he collects people who can't handle it if they aren't the sun in the goddamn sky in his life.

That bitch just really pushed my buttons. God, can anyone be more desperate? Standing there telling me she knows him better and always will and all that bullshit? When clearly there's a pretty big section of his life she doesn't have the faintest understanding of? Maybe she's just mad he never decided to bed her. She said he was like a brother to her, so I'm guessing they were never an item. But maybe she's bitter they weren't, that they were friends but he never looked her way. I noticed that we have the same sort of complexion and looks, though. Blue eyes, blonde hair...but I'm not thinking about that right now.

What gets me is she was a total bitch, she even threatened me (which I'm never telling Patrick about, if he ever comes the hell home) and then turns around and tries to say she's going to 'try' and give me a 'chance'? Was she having the same conversation as I was? Because what she said to me wasn't trying at all. It wasn't even a slight chance. No, that bitch attacked me the second she could, and she went for the throat. Seriously, what the fuck? Was I meant to be grateful that miss all mighty powerful chick was going to 'try' after being abusive?

What gets me is the utter lack of faith it seems like these assholes have in him. Like, they're billing themselves as the people who care about him the most, they both felt the intense need to tell me all about how they were there when he was in the hospital and afterwards. Well guess what, anyone can sit by a bedside. It takes a little more to really be there, and to do more than be physically present. And it seems to me that neither one of them has a clue at what might be under the surface, and neither has even slight faith in his ability to live his life. To do what he wants.

No one wants to see him happy unless it's with them.

How the hell do they think they're people who care when they act like that? Like he's some possession or something, like he can't think for himself. They're discounting the man I know he is. Like they don't even see him. He's just some fragile guy who once was in the hospital, and apparently no one can grasp the idea that maybe there's something real between us. You know what, universe? I know him. I know he doesn't usually go back to anyone, I know an the exception to the rule. Maybe I know him better than either of them, because I see him for who he is, not who I want him to be. Because yeah. I know. He's a whore. He's bedded half the upper class and probably even more than I know. He's a charmer and I'm sure he knows exactly what to say to just about anyone to get what he wants out of them. He's brightly intelligent and a passionate person, who knows just how to manipulate. I'm aware of exactly who he is. I just want to be with him anyway. I accept him.

But I guess it's going to be a fight, now. Fuck. Don't we have enough to deal with? Whatever. I signed up for this, I'm sticking to it, no matter what crazy assholes come my way. But they best be ready for a fight if they're going to be picking one.

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