Realizations

Who: Jesse and Jessie
Where: The James apartment
When: Just before dawn

Jessie couldn't sleep and she hadn't been able to for what felt like hours now. She knew that her chances of getting any real sleep tonight were slim to none and had been spending most of the night with Leo curled up on her stomach, purring. It was nice to know that at least someone was happily sleeping. Still, she was tired of being in bed and not actually getting any sleeping down so she moved Leo to the side and trudged out of her room.

She caught sight of her aunt on the couch, so she tried to be quiet as she headed into kitchen. She'd been hoping that Evelyn was going to stay the night but hadn't really said anything about it earlier. Maybe it was just because if she stayed the night, then Jessie would get to see her in the morning too and she had missed her aunt, or maybe just having her around again was adding to the sense of normalcy that Jessie felt the last couple days had been lacking. Whatever it was, it was nice.

But Jessie had been looking for her dad. She'd not gotten to talk to him before she 'went to bed' and now that Evelyn was on the couch, Jessie figured he had to be in the kitchen so that was where she went.

Jesse was in the kitchen. He couldn't sleep, and anyways didn't actually have anywhere to sleep, though he imagined he'd crash on the floor eventually. He looked up when Jessie entered the room, and he gave her a light attempt at a smile, though it didn't really work out that well. Sure, generally he could work at hiding things or the like but he was exhausted. And right now, he was feeling like everything was fucked up to some degree or other, and he wasn't happy about it. "Hey, Baby J." he said, very quietly, so he didn't wake Evie in the next room.

For the sake of her dad, she attempted the same smile, but it didn't come out right. She moved to the chair closest to him and carefully pulled it out so it wouldn't scrape on the floor. "Hey, Dad," She said, just as quietly as him, before leaning her elbow on the table and her head on her hand after. "Did you eat something? I was trying to sleep so I didn't really eat anything..." Even though she still wasn't hungry. She hated this, that something could get under her skin so much that it kept her from sleeping and kept her from being hungry.

He shook his head. "No. But if you're hungry, I can make you something." Not that he was especially good at that, but he could do it anyways. He could try. Or he could do something simple like make her a sandwich. Those were easy. He would have to try pretty hard to mess those up. He really wanted to ask about everything else, but figured he wouldn't rush her on that. He could guess why she was up right now, after all.

"Not really hungry, but I'll eat something if you want to make it." Sighing, Jessie looked to her dad and shrugged. "Thought I'd try and get some sleep after I talked with Aunt Evie but it just wouldn't happen."

Jesse looked at his daughter for a few long minutes, just assessing. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. He hadn't gotten to talk to either of them before they'd gone to sleep, and he was aware of it. Very, very aware. And he didn't know what to say. Or do, really, but he knew he needed to do something. And he couldn't just keep not talking about it. It needed to be addressed. That just didn't make it easy. Parenting was a lot easier when all he really had to worry about was keeping the apartment babyproofed.

"I don't know..." She answered as honestly as she could, looking away from him but not at anything in particular. "I don't know what to think. Today sucked. Really bad." But she figured that since she did want to talk to her dad and she hadn't gotten to, she might as well start from the beginning. "I mean...we were playing pool and everything was fine and then Dodge tells me he likes me and I tell him I can't and won't like someone you don't approve of and that we're just staying friends. And then he tells me about this ass of a guy he used to know, Patrick, and some of the shit he did...I just..." She trailed off for a second, taking another breath before continuing. "And I come home and Aunt Evie's here and she tells me that she knows about Patrick and that Dodge asked her out and that he said something about love around her and I just...Don't know what to think," She finished, repeating her earlier words. "I keep hoping that this is all just a bad dream and I'm gonna wake up from it, but I know I'm not and it's not a dream. It's real. And it sucks. I mean...I want friends who want to be my friend not because they can't be around my aunt anymore or because they wanted to be around my aunt in the first place..."

Jesse frowned, staring at his daughter for a few long moments, but held his tongue on what he was going to say. In fact, he bit back quite a bit. He drew in a breath, let it out slowly, and tried to think of calmer ways to express himself. It took a minute. "Jessie, I never have ever known you to be a girl who just hides from things." he said first. "Never. You've always been very sure of yourself, and everything else, so why the sudden 'let's hope this is a bad dream'?" he asked, because that was a marked sort of departure from who he knew her to be. She wasn't a girl who waffled or flailed. He'd defintiely taught her better than that. So the fact that she was pulling that now was deeply concerning. And it was about the only thing in there he could address at current without sounding angry or the like.

Jessie glanced at her father and then sighed again. "I know, you're right, I know I just..A lot of stuff is happening at once and it's overwhelming. I know better than that. I don't want to hide from it, really, I just want it to make more sense than it does." But this was one of the major reasons she wanted to talk to him, aside from him being her father and she'd wanted her dad there. When she felt lost, she always found the way back to where she needed to be by talking to her dad. He knew her better than anyone else and just listening to him now made more sense than anything she'd heard the day before. She didn't want to be a girl who didn't have control of herself, who was at a loss, so she sat up a little straighter as she talked.

"When things are overwhelming you take things one bit at a time." Jesse said, something he'd told her before, but maybe he hadn't said so anytime in recent history. He'd sort of taken it for granted that she did that, but then again, she was dealing with more now. Being a teenager, particularly one at her age, was not necessarily a fabulous time full of sunshine and smiles. "I do have to say I would have trouble coming up with the part that doesn't make sense, though." he added, still trying to keep himself reasonable and everything. "I warned you about that boy, then later I found out about what happened with your aunt. It's pretty clear to me what the score here is, Baby J. What's there to be confused about?"

"I know," She started, "I know you did." She took a moment to try and collect her thoughts, make sure they made sense in her head before she said them. "And as a friend, before I found out about any of this, I really did like spending time with him so I wanted to believe in the good in him. And I thought if he was spending time with me, he wasn't out doing stupid shit that could get him in trouble. But now I'm really pissed off. I didn't know about him and Aunt Evie and it's just weird. And she's right, the timing's all off..." She shook her head. "What sucks most about it is that I didn't feel like he was trying to use me to get closer to Aunt Evie; I felt like he was saying he wanted to spend time with me because he did...and now I feel like that's all it was. Just some way to get closer to her or to hang out with me because he couldn't be around her anymore..."

Jesse kept watching her as she spoke. "Yes, the timing is all off." he agreed. "And you said he said he liked you. Which I also suspected there. As for his sob story--everyone's got one, Baby J. Especially manipulative little fucks like him. And honestly? It doesn't even matter if it's true. That doesn't mean it isn't him just cashing in on something bad that happened to him to win your sympathy. I know you like to believe the best in people but you also know that the world isn't a nice place." he said. He'd never really kept that bit a secret from her and even if he'd wanted to--Ronnie's presence shadowing over their lives certainly spoiled any illusions of a happy shiny world.

Jessie frowned as he listened to her dad. She didn't want to believe that Dodge would use a story like that, something so traumatic, to try and win her over. He'd sounded so upset and looked so different than she'd ever seen him look. She didn't want to believe that anyone would use a story like that for anything, but she knew there were people that would. She'd just thought Dodge wasn't one of them. "I know it's probably gonna piss you off but I want to talk to him." Well, yell at him was probably more accurate. "I'm not gonna go searching him out or anything but the next time I see him, I'm definitely giving him a piece of my mind..." No matter the reason for him telling her about Patrick, Dodge's relationship with her aunt was enough for her to want to have a chat with him.

Watching her frown and hearing she wanted to talk to him didn't really set his mind at ease. "Jessie, when did he tell you his pity me story?" he asked. "Was it after you told him that you weren't going to be with someone your dad didn't approve of?" he asked.

"Yeah, but not right after. We played some more pool and then he said something about how Patrick taught him pool and I asked him about Patrick, so he told me." Jessie said, but she knew that him saying it after her rejection didn't exactly give him any more points, especially not in her dad's eyes.

"Jessie--" he started, looking away, jaw setting. He didn't say anything for a few long moments. "Do you have any self respect?" he asked her, looking back at her. "I know I taught you better than that. I know I did. And so did everyone else in your family. But right now what I'm seeing is you, even after all evidence to the contrary, you're sitting there with this 'but what if' sort of air about you. This is a boy who drew your aunt in with a line, kept persuing her, and the second she rejected him --and let's not forget he told her he loved her-- he jumped straight to the next James girl he could find. And when you told him no? He comes up with some story to tell you so you'll feel bad for him. Let me ask you this much. Do you actually respect yourself enough to not be used like that? To actually think better of yourself and not be led along some bullshit path that's so amazingly clear? Honey, if all the bad guys in the world were transparent enough that you caught it, then they wouldn't still be around. Manipulative bastards are good at what they do. Of course he's going to come off as sincere." He shook his head and stood up, going to draw himself and her a glass of water. "Let me ask this. Does he respect anything you say? From the sounds of it he's a pusher. Someone who just ignores what people tell him and keeps doing things to see how far he'll get. He do that with you?" he asked, setting the glass down in front of her. "He ever keep getting closer, or not back off when you tell him to?" He knew the type. Knew the kind. It was always something that started with little things. Little disregarding of boundaries. Most of it, like with Evie's son of a bitch ex-boss, were things that someone could write off. And that was the rub, of course.

His words felt like a slap in the face, but maybe it was a slap she needed. If the people she loved, her family, were seeing that she wasn't acting like herself? Well then she must not be. And she sure as hell didn't want to be coming off as some girl with no self respect. She damn well knew better than that. She was Jessie James. "I do have self respect. I respect myself enough to not want to be walked all over. And to not let someone do that." She said, the definitive nature in her tone stronger than anything she'd said tonight. "Before I told him I wasn't interested in him, he pushed things sometimes. Not anything bad, just trying to hold my hand. But once I rejected him, he wasn't pushing anything anymore."

Okay so he really probably shouldn't be thinking that if he dropped that kid in the river that he could get away with it. Even just hearing confirmation that he 'pushed things sometimes' was enough to make Jesse want to beat Dodge's head in. And that was clear for a second. But he tried to dial it back. He tried very hard. Not that it alleviated the impulse, but he could at least speak again. "Baby J, anything pushed, even if it's 'nothing bad' or just 'sometimes', is still pushed, and your boundaries are your boundaries, and anyone who doesn't respect those on your terms needs to either be someone you don't spend any time around, or someone who's balls you cave in because they aren't falling in line." he said, tone careful. "It always starts with something little, it just gets bigger than that. And eventually you just don't even know when things got as bad as they did." he told her, and there was a note of truth to everything. He knew now it had happened to his sister, and frankly, he could relate in his own way, with Ronnie. Suddenly looking around and wondering how he'd let things get where they had gone was something he knew all about, and he didn't want Jessie to have to go through.

He was right. And for a while she hadn't really minded holding his hand. During that whole Ronnie-locket situation and after Lily's death, it had been really nice to have someone's hand to hold. But she should have realized it earlier. She had changed her mind and not wanted to hold his hand again, and he still wanted to. That should have been enough for her to do something about it. Even if she had held his hand before, if she didn't want to now then he should respect that. And maybe the lines had been blurred after Patrick's story because she'd wanted to be there for him like he'd been there for her during the last couple days, but now she knew that she was keeping her hands in her pockets and Dodge wasn't going to be holding them. She nodded to Jesse and took the glass of water he'd poured for her, drinking a good bit of it. "It's not going to happen again," She said, sounding just as serious as before.

Keeping his gaze on her, he had the really irrational idea to just move out of the city. Pack up their fifty two pieces and move to a very small town somewhere not here. Where the boys around weren't little street gang kids who didn't have the good sense not to mess with his baby girl. He didn't voice it, but it was very there right now. Anything he could do to protect his daughter. jesus. He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You said you're going to talk to him." he said. "Are you breaking things off with him? Considering he's got his own little street gang, it's not like he's going to be left all alone or anything." he told her, just to put out there right away that no, she wasn't his one and only, even if he might play it that way to her.

"I don't have a thing with him to break off," Jessie said, shrugging. Other than a friendship and she didn't like the idea of breaking off a friendship. But she didn't like the idea of a friend using her even more. "I want to hear what he has to say for himself, but whatever it is, it's not gonna change my mind. I'm so mad at him..." She was so mad at him right now that actually telling Dodge to stay away from her wasn't sounding like such a bad idea. And maybe that's what she needed. Some time away from everyone, just to stay with her family and be with people that she knew weren't going to try and use her to get closer to someone else. "I told him we were staying as friends but I don't want friends who are trying to use me. Or around me because they can't be around someone else."

"You also don't want friends who push your boundaries and don't respect you." Jesse said, staring at his daughter. "Is all you're taking away from this seriously just that? That he was trying to use you and just fill in the gap for something else? Because there's a lot more here we've already discussed, Jessie, are you ignoring that?" he asked. "And I'll tell you right now, someone who pushes your boundaries and lands the 'I like you' on you isn't someone who's healthy to remain friends with. And do you really want to be associated with someone who would even do any of that. Honestly. Do you want to be friends with someone who's that much of a terrible person. With that much disregard for everyone but himself. Because you know who's like that?" he asked, figuring that she could fill in that blank. "And, what he's going to say for himself is some other sob story about how all of this is just some big misunderstanding. Well no matter what it was it does not change his actions, and it doesn't make it any less fucked up."

"No, I'm not ignoring it. It's there, I'm listening." And she did listen, like she said, to everything he was saying. But she inwardly cringed at Ronnie even being brought up. It certainly didn't make her feel any better knowing that she was slowly losing sight of herself and the boundaries she'd had. And the more she was thinking about it, the more she didn't want to talk to Dodge at all. The more she didn't even want to see him around. "I don't want friends that don't respect me, that push me, and I'm not going to have them. Any friend of mind is going to be someone who wouldn't put me through any of this shit." She said with a seriousness in her that was there to stay now.

That made him feel better. Just her tone, and the conviction there in her words did. Just hearing her actively taking that role back, the self confident 'I'm not taking shit from anyone' attitude that he'd always wanted her to have. Women had it rough a lot, he knew that, and he sure as hell didn't want his baby having to deal with it. Everyone else would have to deal with her, not the other way around. He never wanted his girl to be treated like anything less than someone who deserved the utmost respect and everything that went with that. "Exactly." Jesse said. "That is the kind of thing you need to keep in mind. And I know it's not always easy, and you're a sweet girl and you want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but not everyone deserves it. And anyone who would pull any of this shit to you or your family...and in this case it was both...isn't worth your time. You deserve better."

How had she not realized that earlier? This wasn't just about her, it was about her aunt too. The realization of that fueled something fierce and protective in her and it set in her eyes. She glanced up at her dad again and nodded. "I know, you taught me that." Jessie was not going to let herself get lost again. She wasn't going to let herself forget that this had happened not just to her, but to her aunt; to one of the most important people in her life. As thoughts began to settle in her head, Jessie was slowly starting to feel calmer. More sure of herself and less like the victim. And honestly, it felt nice. She didn't like feeling like the victim and she didn't like being handed those cards. She wanted to know things up front from now on, like she should have anyway, so there was no chance that something like this could happen again. Because Jessie James as not a victim and neither was any of her family.

As he watched he saw the change come over her, and he wondered what he'd said in there that had prompted it. And in the end he figured he could ask. "...what did I say that was right that time?" he asked her, not at all unhappy with things. No, she looked more like herself, in his opinion. A girl who just wasn't going to take people's shit and suffer through quietly. He'd seen so many girls like that in his life and they all had the hardest lives. Far more difficult than they should have had. All they were were miserable, and his baby girl wasn't going to be. She wasn't going to wind up broken.

Jessie took a moment before she answered, but when she did she was looking up at him again and into his eyes. "It's not just about me here. Aunt Evie was a part of this two and neither of us should have to feel this way. She apologized to me and it's not even her fault...Neither of us are victims and I don't want either of us to ever be one." She had a lot of fault in her aunt and she figured that maybe she'd been acting unlike herself around the same time her aunt had been acting unlike herself. But now Evelyn was here and Jessie was levelheaded and things were going to stay the way they should have stayed to begin with.

Jesse nodded a little. "Your aunt was very hurt with all of this." he admitted, tone quiet. "I know she won't outright say it to you and all, but she was." He sighed. "And this is what I mean, I guess. What he did to her, and then started in on you..." he shook his head. "This is why I'm upset with the idea of you even giving him the benefit of the doubt. After what he did to her too. It's just...you get the whole picture now?" he asked.

Jessie nodded again before she turned in her seat to look towards the living room at her aunt. Someone who had taken care of her, just like the rest of her family, was in there feeling like she was at fault for what happened and it bothered Jessie. "I don't want her to feel bad about this. She didn't do anything wrong..."

Watching her look out towards Evie, Jesse kept his eyes on his daughter. "It's not even entirely about that, Baby J." he told her gently. "She's upset because she believed him too. Because he drew her in with a line. Because he manipulated her, and even if she did reject him in the end, she believed in him then found out it was all bullshit. He told her he loved her, then the second she said no, he just ditched her and moved on to you like she was nothing." he said. "That's not okay to do to anyone. And that's really what I'm worried about. I don't want you winding up in the same position. And if you don't look around, and see that, and if you just keep taking the track of 'I'm sure there's an explanation' or letting people explain, which is just offering yourself up to be manipulated in a different way..." he trailed off. Yeah, he'd been there. Happened every fucking time with Ronnie and him. Good lord did he not want his daughter to be anywhere near someone anything like that.

That hurt even more to hear than anything she'd been thinking of. She really needed to get out of her head and realize that it had hurt her aunt too and from knowing that it had to knowing that she hadn't seen it, it just made Jessie feel all kinds of awful. It made her feel kind of sick, actually, that she could have been so caught up in herself to not even notice her aunt was hurting that way. Ronnie was like that and she was not going to be like Ronnie. She wanted to stand up and run into the living room and hug her aunt and tell her that she was sorry she didn't notice before, but JJ stayed in her seat. She could apologize tomorrow, when Evie was awake, even if she wanted to do so right now. "I didn't even realize...I feel terrible. I should have seen that. I should have known it hurt her too and not just be so focused on me..." Her voice was quiet again, not as strong as it had been earlier.

Jesse stepped over and dropped a kiss on the top of Jessie's head, giving her a little hug. "Baby J, your aunt plays things incredibly close to the chest." he told her. "I had to ask. She didn't offer up the information herself. She's pretty reserved a lot of the time. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because she's been hurt and wants to try and protect herself. She doesn't want to show anything that's bothering her. Which kind of leaves the rest of us guessing, so I wouldn't recommend that as a way to be, it's just how she is." he said, not really wanting his daughter to become the ice queen either. There had to be a healthy, happy medium, right? Between being a total pushover and being too hard?

JJ nodded again, taking a moment to let it all sink in. She reached up to return the hug he was giving her, but she was still lost in her thoughts. Jessie felt like her aunt should be able to tell them how she was feeling no matter what. Maybe she'd talk to her about it later. "I just want her to know we're here, you know? She's finally spending time with us again and I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to us about whatever she wants to..I missed her and I told her that, and if she's feeling hurt then I wish she would tell us so we can try to help."

"Maybe she'll deal with it better from you. I already tried to have that conversation with her." Jesse said, quirking a half smile at his daughter. "But you might have better luck with that. I'm just her annoying older brother, but you're her all important niece." he said, winking. "I missed her too." he added. "And I was thinking about maybe us moving, like you mentioned before. If we found a place, maybe we'd get a third bedroom, just in case she wanted to stay." he suggested, tone light, and he was watching Jessie closely to see how she felt about it. Because her opinion weighed in very heavily.

Jessie was glad that they weren't dwelling on Dodge anymore. She'd wanted to talk to her dad about what was happening, but she felt pretty secure about it now and this was the second time in just a few hours she'd had to go through the Dodge conversation again. She was more than ready for another break from it. This time, she smiled, deciding that since she wasn't going to keep dwelling on the conversation, she could put it behind her and think about more pleasant things. Like them getting a new apartment, one that maybe Aunt Evie would live in with them. "I'd like that. The only thing I really want out of getting a new apartment is for you to have your own bedroom. Did she say she was going to stay with us if we get an apartment with a third room?" Because it sounded kind of nice, actually. Not that she didn't love living with her dad, she did, but Evelyn being around more often was a really nice idea too.

"No, she didn't. I just hope maybe she will." Jesse said, wanting to be honest. "And I know she does feel weird about taking up more room than we technically have, even if I don't mind. But maybe if we had the room, she'd stay over more often, or if anything happened, she'd know she could come live with us." he suggested. "Maybe soon, we can go apartment hunting?" he asked. Because he wouldn't want to get someplace she didn't approve of. She'd have to see it and be okay with it.

Jessie nodded again, liking the idea even more. Except for, well, the part where something might happen to her aunt. She didn't like that part at all. But otherwise she was happy with the idea of having an extra room, if they could afford it. "We should go sometime soon, but maybe we should start really looking in the newspaper? See if there is anything in the ads there about a three bedroom apartment for rent right now?"

Jesse smiled. "How about this. Tomorrow, I'll get a paper, and we'll go through and circle the ads we want to follow up on. Sound good?" he asked. He thought it sounded good. And of course, leave it to his daughter to have a better grasp at how to go about apartment hunting. But he'd not had to do it in ages, and really sort of only the once, so...

Jessie nodded, smiling. "Sounds great." Her knowledge of apartment hunting ended began and ended with the paper. She was sure it'd be a lot more work than just flipping through the Echo and finding listings, but it was somewhere to start. Finally she stood out of the chair she was seated in and shifted, wrapping her arms around him in a proper hug. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, finding solace there. For now, she was very content to just not think about Dodge and be here with her family instead.

Giving his daughter a hug, Jesse dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Think you can get some sleep now?" he asked. "I know you need it. You've been stressed lately." Not that he hadn't been, and they both had that habit of not sleeping when things were bugging, but he was the dad here, he got to be the one who worried.

Jessie wasn't so sure sleep would come right away, but maybe trying again to get some sleep would help. It couldn't hurt and who knew, maybe she'd end up actually getting some sleep instead of just staring at the ceiling. "I'll try," She promised, letting go of him before trailing back into her room with the glass of water he'd poured for her. Sleep didn't sound so bad now.