Rearranging

Can’t talk to anyone. Need to get things straight.

Issues
*Her
*What she did
*Effects
*WHAT HE DID

She took that away from me.
Now I think about what she did, not what he did.

She cut off what I thought about it. She cut me off. Can’t think about it now - when I try, it always comes back to the same thing. That she killed him. That overshadows everything. She took away whatever I might have felt about it, whatever I might have done.

Never know why he did it. Never know.
Might never have known anyway.
Not the point - one way I would have had some control, even if only an illusion.
She cut all that off.

So, need to get it straight.

Q: does it make a difference?

I knew what had happened anyway.
Had been set up.

Didn’t know by who.
Didn’t know how far it went.
Didn’t know what had been meant to happen to me.

Had theories - was I meant to die? Was I meant to go to prison? Was this a ‘punishment’ for being honest? Stand as a lesson to other cops? Look - you thought he was straight, nobody is straight. Or maybe a demonstration what could be done - for someone else’s benefit.

Thought lots of things over the years.
Now I’ll never get answers.
She read through the lines, she figured it out - and then she stopped it. Dead. Literally.

Vengeance, but no answers. Didn’t even get to ask the questions. Over before it even began and I didn’t get to be involved.

It all feels so fucking pointless. Huge fucking hole that will never go away now.

Vengeance but no closure. That’s what she’s left me with. No ending.

She wants an ending. She wants it to be over. She’s giving up. Trying to anyway.

Why does she think she gets to do that when nobody else can?
Was I just a fucking sacrificial lamb to her death wish?

Honestly? No.
Easier to believe I was. Easier to hate her. Easier to decide that, take her down piece by piece.
She even gave me the lines. Stood there and said the things I needed.

Empty words - she knows me too well.

I know her too well: didn’t believe her.
She cared about me. We were happy, in our way.
I was happy

What now
*Can I go back? No.
*No going back - wishes don’t change things.
*Get things organised.

To do

*Papers to ECPD
*Make them listen
*double check beforehand for anything which might incriminate. She said nothing, but double check
*Job back - pref homicide. Can check she doesn’t do anything stupid (don’t trust to keep to agreement)

*Ad in Echo - manager for business
*Money from bank
*Work on her place:-
Locksmith
Decorator
Plumber
New furniture (buy and have delivered)
*use money from business for this.
*Set up weekly/monthly payments from profits (Q: would bank deliver cash? Would this be secure? Better nobody knows her address? Would she take money if not? Maybe goods delivery - food etc?) Future thought.
*Medicine - delivery. Find honest doctor. Easier said than done.