'the right thing' sucks

I already hate him, but I think, of everything? I kind of hate him most for that. Because I'd be blissfully unaware if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't be in this position at all. I would still be just going through my life the way I'd been fine with it, and that would be all. Fuck friends, fuck family, fuck everyone. Just me and the dearly departed.

I wish you could go backwards. That you could unlearn something. That I didn't know what it felt like to have someone to talk to, because I wouldn't feel like I was going to miss it. That I didn't know what it felt like to actually be with someone, because now it feels like my life's empty.

I know I did the right thing. Mickey's a good person. He's a nice guy. He deserves better. Also, clearly he's got a type, and that type is 'perfect little society girl'. I'm not only not cut from the same cloth, I wasn't made on the same goddamn loom. We're barely the same species. I'm just a minor, random detour his life took, and he'll be back on track now. And I actually like the guy, so I want that for him. It just blows for me. I got what I wanted, and it sucks. I'm sure it'll suck less tomorrow. Or the next day. Or something. I don't know. Maybe I'll just keep telling myself that every day and eventually it'll stop being so stupid.

I was supposed to feel better about this. I was supposed to feel good. Hell, I even found a way to get rid of him and not hurt him in the process. Hooray, right? Well, turns out, not so much. I was supposed to be happy and relived. I'm not. like, not even a little bit, which is stupid, and I'm pretty pissed off about.

The other thing I'm pissed about is that I considered for a grand total of two seconds talking to my cousin. But he's just Brett. He isn't there for me, and I don't think he wants to be either. He's too wrapped up in his own world to bother. I'd hoped we would have a better relationship, but thinking about being at the Round...I was just dealing with the fact that my boyfriend was terrorizing the city, and I was the one cleaning up his messes, and he had to leave because things got too intense emotionally for him. About his ex. I don't know. Maybe it's just selfish, but I look at it right now and recognize that Brett's priority is Brett. And that's fine. Maybe I'll just leave him to go deal with himself, and so long as he isn't going to drop dead any time soon, that'll be that. I'm pretty sure I could disappear off the face of the planet and he wouldn't notice. Not til he was questioned by the cops on the last time he'd seen me, that is.

Malcolm called me on not having anyone in my life, and right now, that's true. He was right. I have no one. That's sinking in right now. Sure, Mickey told me he'd not drop me. Wanted me to understand that he isn't going to. And my guess is that he'll show up again. One more time. But he'll hook up with that other girl, and who in their right mind is okay with their boyfriend hanging out with a chick who gave him a bj? Seriously now. No one's that stupid. So, she wouldn't want that. And he wouldn't want to go against what she wanted, because that's what he's like. And beyond that, he'll be busy with a new girl, and yeah. He'll show up one last time, and then that'll be it.

And I have to mention this again. Mickey has a type. I'm not it. There is no contest here. At no point could I compete even if I wanted to. His type is perfect little dolls with perfect hair and are apparently upper class citizens. With evening gowns just hanging in their closets and who know about manners and what fucking fork to use. What the fuck was he smoking the day he decided to talk to me again? Oh yeah. Our entire relationship is based on events that transpired under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. Eventually he'll remember that, too. I'll be a really weird dream. Or something. Whatever.