scribbled while Maddy sleeps

I don't think I've ever felt so relieved. Just sitting here watching her breathe feels like cool hand against my forehead. At least she's safe. At least she's alive.

Still. I didn't find her. No, she found me, broken, bruised and battered, half asleep on her bed. I still failed her. What if it happens again? When she's not actually safe? Or if next time I don't fail her but fail the boys, those who rely on me for everything.

Patrick's voice is getting louder. Seeing him in others' faces, thinking I see him when he's not there, memories filtering through is nothing. But this..this is different. I feel like he's actually talking to me, even if it's conversations we've already had. It's getting louder. I hear him over conversations I'm having. Like he's just fucking weighing in. And it won't go away. Even now I hear him, just confirming the thoughts I already have. That I can't do this without him. That eventually it will come back and tear me down.

I've never had to act to be Dodge, to be me. But today, today I'm playing. Maddy needs me, needs me to be someone she can lean on, and the darkness can wait. Acting. Just playing. Only this game isn't as fun as the others.