Smile Like Your Heart Is Breaking

Who: Ethan and Maddy
Where: Around Town
When: Evening

Maddy had slept for awhile at Roy's vault, coughing some but otherwise okay. If she was going to be staying there for the night though, Maddy wanted to stop back at her place and grab her pajamas and some clothes to wear tomorrow. She looked even worse than she did earlier. Her hair was a tangled mess and her eyes were all red and swollen from the massive amounts of crying and her nose was still damn stuffy. It sucked. Everything. Sucked. And her head ached, which made the rotten mood she was in a thousand times worse.

Roach was trying on thinking of himself as Ethan. It was his name, after all, but ever since he'd left the orphanage at thirteen, it hadn't really been. He'd been a part of Patrick's group and became Roach. But now Patrick was long gone (and the world certainly had no tears for him) and... the Dodge phase of his life was over. He wanted to distance himself from appearing as nothing more than Dodge's muscle, and the crude nickname was one way to strip that away. So he was Ethan. Ethan Gray.

Corey had left a lantern out for him, but when he'd gone back to the nest after his talk with Dodge, she'd been sleeping. He crept out again, taking Snow with him, knowing that she hated the dark, enclosed spaces of the tunnels. She was a good girl, keeping close to him, not straying too far even as she bounded after insects hopping along the sidewalk. When she strayed too far from him, rubbing herself up against the legs of a girl whose blonde hair glowed slightly in the lamplight, he knew exactly who it was. "Maddy," he called, standing up from his seat on the steps and approaching her. When he saw her face, he scowled, dark. "What happened?"

Maddy had jumped when Snow started rubbing up against her leg, shocking her out of the dark cloud in her head and she crouched down, picking up the white cat and holding her close. The cat, initially annoyed at being picked up, started to purr and Maddy rubbed her cheek against the cat's head, just taking comfort in something that she could cuddle and show affection to her in return. Her eyes ticked up to meet Ethan's and she shrugged, hating that for the second time he saw her looking miserable. "Long day," she said hoarsely, trying to smile but not quite making it.

It was strange sometimes, seeing Maddy and Snow together, the same huge blue eyes looking up at him. It made his heart ache a bit, the two most important women in his life, so to speak. But he wasn't thinking about that now. Snow was fine, but Maddy's eyes were red--she looked like she'd been crying a long time, and crying hard. "You talk to Dodge?" Ethan asked, his hands tightening into fists. Maybe he hadn't hit Dodge hard enough the first time.

She sighed heavily and perched on the stone railing of the stoop, Snow still firmly in her arms. "Yeah. And Roy too." She scritched Snow between the ears and then against her neck, trying to figure out what to say. "I'm staying with Roy for a few days, I think. At least tonight anyway. He's worried and he's not doing too well on his end." She wished, for a moment, that she was a cat lady. That all her friends were cats who didn't tell her things that she didn't want to hear or break her heart or faced the repercussions of the stupid decisions that she was prone to make.

Ethan sat down next to her, his frown not budging at all. "You're obviously not okay, so I'm not going to ask that." Besides Ethan himself, Maddy was the only person Snow was perfectly content with, sprawling herself out in Maddy's lap, looping her paws around Maddy's wrist to be sure that her hand didn't go too far.

"'Preciate it," Maddy said gratefully, glancing at him for a moment before looking back at Snow. "It's hard, hurting someone you think of as a friend. I know he wasn't, well, he fucked up. But it doesn't mean I automatically don't care. Because it's hard seeing someone you've known for awhile go off and be stupid." It was for her, anyway. Maddy could be furious at someone, but she couldn't stop caring about someone with just a snap of her fingers. She just cared too damn much, and there were those damn abandonment issues that she struggled with. "It's hard." So yeah, she was confirming that she'd talked to Dodge. She couldn't go into what her and Roy talked about. It was too hard.

Something twinged a bit in Ethan's chest, how Maddy had said "friend" and not anything more. Not boyfriend. Not lover. He tried not to dwell too long on the fact that the sensation was a little warm. A little pleased. "I know," Ethan said, looking away from Maddy for a moment. "It was hard talking to him too this morning. Saying that kinda stuff to a friend. But he needed it. And if I'd have known you'd be crying like this after that, I would've hit him harder." Because he had hit Dodge, and Maddy had obviously seen it. Ethan had done worse things to people's places than what Dodge probably looked like right now.

Maddy shook her head. "He did need it. Maybe it'll change things and maybe, well, I don't know. Maybe things can get worked out. Maybe I can feel more sure about things than whatever it was that was going on." She sighed in annoyance and looked at Snow, who decided that she wanted to start licking her fingers. "It just feels like my heart got ripped up." And then she grimaced. "You don't need to hear about my fucked up love life. Sorry."

Maddy was right. He didn't need to hear about it. Dodge had been talking about Maddy for a month now and Ethan had heard every word of it, his own heart ripped up with every anecdote, with every hour that Dodge wasn't in the apartment, in his own bed, and came back in the morning looking disheveled and smug. He'd hated it. He'd hated every moment that felt like his heart would just shrivel up. But he was listening now. Because it was different with Maddy.

It hurt more.

"Worked out?" he repeated. "You'd... go back?"

"I don't fucking know," she sighed. "No? I dunno. I'm clearly someone seriously fucked up in the head. And Pepper's dead and I just don't fucking know." Her frown turned into a hearty scowl and she flicked Snow's ear when the cat bit down on her finger. "Stop it, missy miss. I just... you can't give up on people, especially when you're a street kid. We gotta stick together because we're all each other has. I can't let go that easy, even when apparantly I mistaken someone being driven insane by me as caring." Oh yeah, Maddy definitely sounded bitter there. She just didn't know if she could believe that or not.

God, Pepper. It seemed like it had been so long ago that they'd found Charlie, that'd he nearly beaten the guy to death, but it was only just yesterday morning. So much had happened since then. Like punching his best friend in the face and walking away. "Yeah, but Maddy... giving up on people is a lot different from not going back to people who have hurt you. Be careful with your heart around him... he already ripped it up once. I just... it fucking kills me to see you like you were. Like you are now."

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Ethan," Maddy said, looking at him properly this time. She meant it. She hated that she'd hurt him through all of this, that he'd gotten caught in the crossfire. "You deserve so much better than what you've had to deal with. You always have. You do so much for me. I'm a crappy friend -- and don't contradict me, because I am. I think I've proved it."

"I'm going to contradict you anyway," Ethan said, frowning at Maddy. "You're not a bad friend. Maybe if I'd been there for you, you wouldn't have gotten hurt... I could've... done something before it got so far. I knew what Dodge was up to but... you didn't. I should've said something sooner." He swallowed hard, looked down into his lap. Maybe Dodge had done the grunt work in tearing up Maddy's heart, but Ethan had a part in it too.

Maddy leaned down and nuzzled her forehead against Snow's head before dropping a kiss between her ears. "It's like a fucking play. One of those 'comedy of errors' deals where if everyone had done something, it wouldn't be all so fucked up." Snow yawned and rested her head on Maddy's hand, quite content at the attention. "But I've been a crappy friend. And I'm sorry. I didn't get a chance to say that very well yesterday." She sighed. "How're you holding up?"

"Quit saying that," Ethan said, frowning. He reached out, curling his hand around Snow's tail, squeezing it gently. "I'm more worried about you. I'll be fine." How appropriate was it, how Maddy and Snow seemed to get along? He'd named Snow in tribute to Maddy even before Maddy had actually met her, and it was almost eerie how they seemed to instantly be fond of each other.

She started scratching at Snow's stomach and the cat stretched and turned onto her back. Her fur was soft and silky and Maddy liked running her fingers through it. Part of her wanted to ask Ethan if she could keep Snow, but Ethan was incredibly fond of the cat and she couldn't ask. "I'll be okay," she told Ethan, still having difficulty looking him and instead looked at Snow's sleepy blue eyes. "It's just a lot on my plate right now."

"You don't sound sure about that," Ethan said, frowning slightly. He understood why, but still... he wanted this to be over for her. He wanted her to feel better about it, for it not to hurt anymore, for her not to look like that, for him not to be furious at Dodge and want to hit him all over again every time he looked into her eyes and saw too-fresh evidence of tears. "I want you to be okay, Maddy. Tell me what I can do to help make it okay."

Maddy sighed, thinking about everything that had gone wrong. The abuse in the orphanage, the friendship with Dodge that had turned into whatever it was they ended up as, what had gone wrong with Roy, what had gone wrong with Ethan. "I told him I loved him. And then I walked away from him. He told me to go and I did, but I was already walking away and it was so hard to do that."

Ouch. That... ouch. Ethan looked away for a moment, scrambling to get his composure while his heart squeezed and gasped. Maddy loved Dodge. She'd walked away, yeah, but she still loved him, and she'd told him that. He looked back at Maddy, trying so, so hard to be impartial when all he wanted to do was scream and hit things that would hurt more than he hurt now. "Maddy, that... that probably wasn't a great idea. To say that then."

"I think it's obvious by this point that my judgment isn't something that should be used as an example," Maddy pointed out bitterly. "That's why Roy wants me to stay with him. To make sure Dodge doesn't do something." Still bitter, Maddy focused on Snow and scratched at the cat's soft stomach. "Roy says that Dodge never cared about me. That I made him unstable and insane. And I want to believe it but I don't know if I can and I said I wasn't going to talk about my fucked up love life, fuck." She laid back against the brick railing and looked up at the twilight sky. "Where are you going to live now?"

Ethan looked back at Maddy and frowned. He didn't... entirely agree with Roy, but given how badly his chest hurt, how the cold in it just wanted to swallow him up completely, he also didn't want to say anything that may lead her back to him. If he'd thought it was bad hearing it from Dodge, hearing it from Maddy was just... excruciating. But he hid it, and he hid it well. "Between Patrick... Dodge has been going kind of crazy even without you in the picture. With you too... he has been getting out of control. He was having trouble leading the boys and then with you... and then he added Evelyn and Jessie... it just hasn't been good. It's not all you, Maddy. It's him and the choices he made. But I told him that. I told him he was kind of a shit leader. I think he got it but I don't know. I've thought I got through to Dodge before and I was wrong." When she asked him where he was living, he shrugged. "Corey's going to put me up for a while, I guess. The tunnels are kind of... cramped, though. I'll try and find somewhere else soon. But I'll figure that out, don't worry about it."

"I hope he finds his way," she said quietly, too worn and tired to hide the visible flinch when he mentioned Evelyn and Jessie. Wanting to close the discussion, Maddy moved onto what he said next. "The tunnels, huh? It might be good. I'd say you could stay at my place but with the way things got left... I don't think it's such a good idea. But you know where to find me. Hell, I could ask some of the guys at the Kitten if they know of any places you could stay." Maddy smiled a little as Snow started licking her wrist. "Don't know if the little miss here is gonna like the tunnels though," she said, trying to be lighthearted. She could not see Snow liking the tunnels at all.

Ethan bit the inside of his check when Maddy flinched. He hadn't meant to... but everything was still probably too fresh, of course she felt that way. He noted the subject change and he followed it. "That'd be good," he said, trying on a little smile. "And if they need help... can't get a place without money and I've never been great at pickpocketing. People notice me right away." He reached over, scratching at Snow's head, rubbing underneath her chin as she purred. "No, she hates it. Can't stand Corey's rat, and she couldn't wait to get out for a walk."

"You'd want to work at the Kitten?" Maddy asked curiously, knowing the importance of needing a job. And if Ethan was anything, he was noticeable. Her fingers itched to reach out and stroke his hair, to offer comfort to him but it felt wrong and awkward and so she kept with the stroking of the cat. "Poor dear," she said. Maddy didn't think she could live in the tunnels. It took a special person to do that. Corey was tough. She didn't know her well, but Corey was definitely someone not to mess with, and Maddy was glad that Ethan at least had her.

"If I could, yeah," Ethan said, nodding. If Maddy had wanted to reach out and touch him, he had no idea at all. "I'm not putting on a skirt and heels though," he said with a small smile. He doubted that would happen, but he'd never been to the Kitten and he didn't have the slightest idea what guys who worked there would do. Seemed like sort of an awkward place for a man to work. But he'd get to see Maddy more... "Yeah. I'll have to find someplace else before she loses her mind a little. I can take her out for now though... she's pretty good about staying close if we're walking together. Kinda like a dog, like that."

That got a little giggle from Maddy and she picked up Snow to get a good look at her. "You're too lovely to be a dog, aren't you, pretty lady?" she asked the cat and dropped a kiss on her wet nose. Snow meowed in annoyance but settled down and looked down at Ethan. "Yeah, you wouldn't be able to pull the look off and I doubt we could find a garter belt big enough for you." She did go ahead and nudge his shoulder with her foot. She wondered if Roy would feel better about her working there if she had someone to watch her back. "I'll keep my eyes and ears open for you."

"Thanks," Ethan said, looking up at her with a slightly wider smile. He'd thought that it had been too long, that he would have forgotten how much he loved her but... no. Looking at her now, sitting on the railing holding Snow... he felt every bit of the seven years he'd been in love with her, every second of it stuck in his throat, like nails in his heart. But always hidden just under the surface. "It's a two-way street, though. If you need anything, find me. I'll be there for you. Like always."

God, that hurt. That just amplified the guilt deep in her gut that kept choking her all day. How could she have done it? How could she have pushed him away so she could try out the shot with Dodge that had... failed absolutely miserably? She didn't deserve it. "I will," she promised quietly, the sober mood returning and she felt like crying again. Her eyes even started itching and burning more and she took a deep, shuddering breath and closed her eyes. Her head ached and felt heavy from all the crying she'd been doing.

"Hey. Hey, no." Ethan frowned and stood up, standing next to her by the railing. He wanted to hold her, to comfort her, but he still worried about how welcome it would be and he didn't want to be too presumptous. He didn't want to do what Dodge did with girls. "I mean, it Maddy. I'm here for you. You don't have to cry like that. I'll do whatever I can for you. Whatever you need me to do, I'm yours." He'd always been hers.

Her eyes were still shut and his words crashed over in her head. No... he couldn't say that. He couldn't. It hurt. "I need to get going," she said quietly, finally opening her tired red eyes and looked up at him. "Thanks." She wanted to let him know that she loved him too, but she was really sick of that word for the moment. It had too many connotations and she wondered, suddenly, what it would have been like to be with him. The two of them against the world, not the two survivors from that former life. Shaking her head, Maddy sat up and handed him the cat. "Pepper's funeral is tomorrow, if you wanna show up. At my parents' graves." He'd know where that was.

Ethan took Snow back, the cat lazy from being coddled by Maddy. She climbed him, sleepily curling herself around Ethan's broad shoulders. "I'll be there," Ethan said, backing up so Maddy could get down from the railing. It may have been a good thing, Maddy not telling him she loved him too. There was no way to be sure what his heart would do with it, especially now. "Maddy," he said, gently grasping her hand in his before he could stop himself, pulling away after a sheepish moment. "Take care of yourself. And if you can't... let me."

Maddy grabbed his hand when he let go and squeezed it tightly, her hand so much smaller than his. She looked at their hands, remembering all the times she slid it into his grasp and for a second, she allowed herself to lean forward and rest her forehead against his arm. She pulled back completely and looked up at him. "You're too good to me, Ethan Gray," she murmured, not entirely sure if he'd hear it and she hopped off the opposite side of the railing, landing nimbly on the sidewalk. She looked up at him, her eyes absolutely exhausted. "Goodnight." And then she continued onto the theater, trying hard not cry. All her friends needed to be cats. Then maybe she wouldn't feel all this guilt.