a step forward

Who: Danny and Janey
When: Dawn
Where: Their bedroom

Danny’s arrival home in the early hours of the morning had woken Janey from what had already been a restless sleep. She didn’t generally sleep well when he was gone, but she’d been feeling more anxious with all the turmoil in the city and without his hulking form protectively beside her, sleep had been nearly impossible. On top of that, she’d known he wasn’t on the clock, so she knew where he probably was instead, and when he came home smelling of smoke and beer, she was more concerned than relieved. She hadn’t been able to go back to sleep since.

Lying beside him now as the sun crept into the sky, she could feel a dull ache rising in her chest. She hated that he needed alcohol, of course, she always had, but she didn’t know what she could do about it. I wish I was enough for you, she thought. Wasn’t that the way it was supposed to be? Husbands and wives supported and cared for one another, and were there to make life a little easier. But he didn’t turn to her for that most of the time. He rarely talked to her about what was going on at the station, though she could see how those things wore on him. She knew it wasn’t really a confidentiality issue that kept him quiet--he seemed to think she was too fragile. But even though he’d always done his best to protect her, there were some things that he couldn’t fight off--like her own demons. And battling those herself had made her stronger than he seemed to realize. Though it didn’t mean she needed him any less, she wished she could help him see that strength, and see her as more than just a damsel in distress.

Proper sleep had eluded Danny as well and though he’d flitted in and out of a drunken slumber, as the sun slipped through the window of their bedroom he groaned. His head wasn’t to pounding yet, but it was heavier than it should have been. Sadly, he’d gotten used to it feeling that way. Rubbing at his eyes he laid there for a moment before turning and reaching for his wife. Maybe he’d just fuck off work today. It wasn’t like he had a case to go in to deal with and seeing Trent didn’t sound appealing at all.

When she felt Danny touch her, Janey tensed. It wasn’t that she didn’t want his attention, but that she in such an emotional tangle she didn’t know how to respond to it. Although she was certain that he knew she wasn’t sleeping, she lay still anyways, hoping he might not say anything and they could just lie their together and sulk.

Danny felt her tense. There was no missing that, but he didn’t let go of her. He could have he supposed, but he wasn’t motivated to go into work yet, so getting up seemed pointless. When she didn’t turn into him, or say something he just waited, expecting her to say something, but she didn’t. “You okay?”

Janey moved a little closer towards him, still tense. “I didn’t sleep well. I was worried about you.” There was no point in skirting around the issue--she was tired of doing that. And it was too early in the morning after too long a night of tossing and turning--all of her walls were down and she was going to say exactly what was on her mind.

Danny held her there, leaning to kiss her shoulder through her nightgown. “Worried about me?” he asked, wondering if it was her normal worry or something more than that. If it was keeping her awake at night though he guessed it was the latter. “M’fine,” he mumbled against her, not willing to blatantly lie to her, but at the same time he didn’t want to pile more on her. She had enough.

“You’re not. We both know it.” Janey was tired of dancing around the issue, tired of sleepless nights wondering if her husband would be too drunk to stumble safely home. Lately she’d been wondering if he’d always been this way, even since before they had gotten married. Maybe she’d just been to blinded by her adoration.

That had him frowning, glad she had her back against his chest and couldn’t see him. He wasn’t fine, but he didn’t like her thinking so. “I’ll be fine then,” he tried, anything to avoid adding to her worries. She didn’t need to know about the case, the stress at work or everything else that seemed hell bent on breaking the last of his will down.

“Me pretending to believe your lies won’t change anything, but you could at least try to sound convincing.” Her tone was a mixture of mirth and disappointment, mostly the latter though. She didn’t want to be too harsh, but she needed him to know that something needed to change. Even if she didn’t know what it was or how to fix it.

Danny sighed and was quiet for a moment. “You don’t want to hear about it,” he settled on. It wasn’t lost on him how strange it might be that he was capable of talking to Elle about things, someone who was almost a stranger, but he wasn’t able to unload on his wife. The woman who’d stood beside him through thick and thin and the woman he’d done the same with. “I don’t want to upset you more.”

“That’s exactly why I do want to hear about it--anything you can tell me won’t be as bad as you just shutting me out.” There was a tone of certainty to her voice--she knew it was what she wanted, even if the things weighing on Danny’s mind were painful.

Danny was quiet for another long moment, trying to fight not telling her. It wasn’t fair to not tell her, especially when she sounded so certain that she wanted to know. “They took me off the park case,” he admitted quietly.

Although the news came as a surprise, it wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle, was it? “Why?” The first word out of her mouth. Of course she wanted to know--it made no sense for him not to be on one of the biggest cases of the moment. “Did they switch you to the gallery case, then?”

Letting go of her, Danny rolled onto his back looking at the ceiling. “Off them both. I’m on whatever comes next.” His voice was gruff, frustrated. “I lost my cool. I got too close.”

Too close? Immediately Janey realized it was probably her fault--at least with the park case. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Lost your cool with whom?”

“A number of people. But most pointedly a suspect. Or a kid who shot a bunch of the attackers at the gallery. And Trent, though Trent was after the kid.” Possibly December as well, but he doubted December reported his behavior. She just threatened to do that the next time he acted out like a child. Danny rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to block out the world, but it just left him with spots in his vision when he pulled them away.

“If he shot the attackers, he’s not really a suspect, is he?” Janey wondered. “It would be self-defense.” As far as she was concerned, anyone taking out the men who had caused such havoc was a hero, not a villain. She sat up and put her back against the headboard, wrapping her arms around her knees close to her body.

“It is,” Danny agreed, but not with the concept. It still bothered him in a way, but had shot in the line of duty. He’d won awards for it. It was self defense he supposed, but he had a badge. “Though no one seemed to find it odd that he went to a gallery showing armed.” Not that it mattered, the kid was mostly innocent. Just some twitchy war vet and Danny had overreacted. He knew that. Sitting up he slung his legs off the edge of the bed away from Janey, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’m losing it,” he murmured softly, possibly not even loud enough for her to hear.

“Mostly innocent? That doesn’t seem quite right,” Janey prodded. There was something Danny wasn’t telling her, she just didn’t know what it was. “What did he look like?” She wondered if she’d seen him there, though she’d only actually spoken to Roy and Shoshannah, she’d done a fair amount of people-watching in the obligatory time she’d spent pretending to understand and appreciate the art.

“He still killed people Janey.” That was where Danny had issues with the justice system. His black and white view of things didn’t lend well to the shades of gray that surrounded justified killings. “I dunno. Young. Sort of broken.” That wasn’t accurate. Danny could describe the kid to a T, a habit of having been a cop for a while, but he didn’t feel up for it. “Why do you ask?”

The harshness of Danny’s response stung. While she was constantly trying to maintain a sense of hope for humanity, Danny had never been the same. They’d always disagreed on issues of justice, which was probably part of the reason they didn’t discuss his job much. But at least he was talking now, and she knew countering that with a defensive response would only shut him down. So she didn’t. “Well, I was there too. Not when the shooting happened, but before, obviously. I was just wondering if I’d seen him. Not that it matters. I wasn’t very social.”

Danny turned towards Janey this time, moving so he could pull her into his arms. “I’m glad you left before it got bad,” he told her softly, as gentle as he could get. It was the side of him that only really came out with her. “Why weren’t you being social?”

“I don’t think I could’ve handled another attack,” Janey said with a shiver. “I was so anxious being there in the crowd, I felt trapped...it just felt too similar to the vigil. Before the massacre. I spoke to Shoshannah, and one other person there, but he approached me and said I looked out of place. It was nice...it made me feel safe, less anonymous,” Janey admitted. She’d never been one for parties, big crowds, or strangers. It was too easy to feel like you could be swallowed up, and nobody would notice the absence. Just the thought made her shaky, and she pressed closer to Danny for security. Even though she hated always being so vulnerable around him, it was their own way of keeping the intimacy of their relationship, and she wasn’t sure she would have given it up, even if it meant a bit more emotional stability.

Danny did his best to stroke her hair, running his fingers through it slowly, trying to calm her nerves. “I know babe. I’m glad you found someone there to talk to though. Maybe from here out though you stick to familiar places. Maybe I’ll try and come more often.” That he hated doing but if random events were going to get attacked then Danny didn’t want Janey out on her own.

“I can’t be completely dependent on you, and you can’t be with me all the time,” Janey pointed out. She didn’t want to drag him everywhere with her--partly because she hated feeling as though she were so defenseless and helpless that she needed him as a bodyguard. Though she knew he only offered because he cared. She still remembered the look on his face that night, when he’d finally found her at the hospital. She remembered his words: “I have never been that scared in my life. Never.” She knew his offer was meant to comfort them both.

“I can try,” Danny suggested. It was the best he could do at the moment. She might not like it but he was going to try it anyway. “You wouldn’t be completely dependent on me, you’d just have someone to talk to and lean on at these things. And if something happened then the could take care of it.”

“You have your job, though. I can’t take you away from that.” It was true. She knew how much it meant to him, and she didn’t want him to sacrifice that for her. Even though it felt like he already was.

Danny didn’t want to point out that today he felt like he didn’t have the job, that that was slowly slipping from him as well. There was no need to concern Janey with that. He’d been reassigned. Not fired, not asked to leave. Just reassigned. It was better than suspended even, though he guessed that had been on the list of options. “What about when I’m not there? I can be there for you more.” He wasn’t there enough anyway was he?

He was right, of course. And Janey realized that being around her more would probably mean he’d be drinking less. Spending his evenings off with her instead of at some unknown bar. She wasn’t ignorant; she knew his drinking had probably contributed to whatever had happened at work. So it would be for the better, right? More time with her meant a more sober, hopefully more stable husband who could move up the ranks again and regain the trust of his fellow officers. If things went the way she was imagining them. “You’re right. I’d like that,” she replied.

He would have done it even without her consent but having it helped quite a bit. “Then that’s what we’ll do. You can drag me wherever you want.” He was going to regret that, but right now keeping Janey safe was more important. As much as everything seemed to have spiraled out of his control, she was the one thing that kept him grounded, that kept him moving forward.