take my advice

Who: Janey and Zhen
Where: The police station
When: Midafternoon

Janey left the church not feeling much better than she had on arriving. She'd dropped off her dishes for the evening's potluck and would be returning in just a few hours, but she'd also spent a while in the chapel. Praying, yes, but also, secretly hoping D.G. would appear again. Can't I have just one day without worrying? she thought. But of course not--she was married to a cop. That, if nothing else, was her answer. She couldn't get that morning's conversation out of her head. She was still shaken by the fact that he'd actually asked her permission. Still terrified for him. And she still wondered if maybe she should have said no.

When she left the church, she needed to walk. She walked past the cemetery, with a pang realizing she owed a visit to the little memorial she and Danny had put up a few years ago in honor of the children they'd never had. But she knew she couldn't handle that today without completely breaking down. She murmured the Salve Regina prayer as she walked by, hoping it was enough. The cold air refreshed her, doing its best to banish the cobwebs from her thoughts. She didn't know where she was going, not consciously, but she found herself headed towards the police station.

Zhen was heading in to work, humming merrily to herself as she did so, though she did notice Janey as she was about to turn up the steps. She smiled brightly at first, though then noticed that she wasn't sure Janey was in the best of moods. Veering, she turned towards her. "Hello, Mrs. McKinnon." she said. "You're looking a little under the weather. You alright?" she asked, moving to hold her umbrella out over the woman for a moment.

Zhen's voice jarred Janey out of her trance, and the sudden protection of the umbrella was the first realization Janey had that it had actually been raining. She was damp, not soaked through, but damp enough that the cold air wasn't such a comfort anymore. She was grateful for harsh brick form of the police station, if only for the warmth it offered.

It had been a while since she'd seen Zhen around, Janey realized. She hadn't been by the station much lately. With all that had been going on, she knew the boys were busy and had been keeping her distance. "I'm...well, just a little frazzled," Janey said, surprised at herself. She'd started to say she was fine, but she was so sick of being that false. Just a little admission of how things weren't quite right was a relief.

"You definitely look a little frazzled." Zhen said, not unkindly. "Do you want to come inside for a bit and chat? No one'll be down in the file room anyhow, not for a while. And there's coffee! Or tea. Either one." she said, always willing to be a friendly ear for anyone. Even if she didn't know them terribly well, like Mrs. McKinnon. But she did in fact know her, which made it even more part of her mission to find out what was going on. She gave a reassuring sort of smile.

"Tea sounds wonderful," Janey said, smiling a bit. It was so strange to find herself being taken care of--even if just by a friend who was being kind to a guest. She was so accustomed to taking care of everyone else, and not having the energy left to bother with herself, even if it was something as little as making herself a cup of tea.

"Well, we'll just get you some of that then, shall we?" Zhen said, ushering her inside. She shooed her down towards the stairs that led to the basement, where the file room happened to be, and she stopped upstairs to grab some hot water for the two of them, and some tea bags. Then she went downstairs to join Janey, opening up the file room with her key. "So what is it that's been on your mind?" she asked as she flipped the lights on, walking inside and setting the cups down on the high counter that separated the front part of the office from the actual filing part. Setting aside her umbrella, she got her coat off and hung it on the rack by the door.

Janey shrugged out of her wet coat and sagged into a chair in the corner. What was on her mind? She didn't know where to even begin. She suspected what Danny had spoken to her about that morning was meant to be kept confidential, but then again, if Zhen worked in the police department, she probably knew what was going on anyways...right? Maybe she'd start simple. Or, simple-er. "Oh, just...things have been all over the place lately, with...Danny, and...everything..." she said. She was uncomfortable and unaccustomed to talking much about what was on her mind.

After shutting the file room door, Zhen moved to sit down in the other waiting area chair, and set the cups down, dropping the tea bags into each, as she settled, focus entirely on Janey. "You don't have to start at the beginning, honey, why don't you just start talking, and we'll see where it takes us," she suggested gently, sliding Janey's cup over to her.

When Janey brought the cup up for a sip of tea, she inhaled the steam deeply, and the bittersweet scent seemed to temporarily ease the pounding in her temples. She closed her eyes briefly, trying to decide where she could even begin. "Well, I guess Danny is the biggest thing on my mind. In ten million different ways," she confessed. "I guess today and yesterday things have seemed more normal with him than in a while--which is odd, because the past few days have been anything but normal." Janey took a small sip of the tea, and felt herself beginning to relax for the first time in ages.

"How's that?" Zhen asked, gently directing, or at the very least, letting Janey know she was listening as she sat back, sipping her tea. She could see Janey starting to relax some, the tension in her frame easing back a little, which was good.

"He's seemed so...distant lately. I keep trying to tell myself it's just the stress from work but...I just don't know. And we took a sick street kid in for a day or two, she was a mess. He wasn't happy about it, but then it seemed to improve his mood a bit. Or maybe it was just a coincidence." Janey could feel herself rambling, and wasn't sure if all the words she'd strung together even made sense. Poor Zhen didn't realize the can of worms she'd opened.

Zhen was all kinds of fine with cans of worms. There could be several even, and she'd be happy to deal with them. As she listened, she kept monitoring Janey's tension levels, just by mannerisms and everything else. "Have you asked him?" she asked. "Both about why he's seeming distant, and about the street kid improving his mood?" she prompted. She did have to wonder sometimes why people didn't communicate well. But it happened all the time. They made it far more difficult for themselves than they had to.

"Well...no," Janey said, feeling slightly foolish. "I don't want to be a bother, and also...I guess I'm a little afraid of the answer," Janey said, avoiding Zhen's eyes. She took another sip of tea, wondering what on earth she was doing here.

"Sweetheart," Zhen said, smiling faintly. "You're his wife. If asking him pertinent questions about things that are causing you concern, or peaking your interest is a bother, then you need a new husband." she said. "Or, you need to take a good long look at yourself and your relationship, and figure out when you started feeling that way and why, and work to correct it. People are social creatures, they're meant to communicate. If you aren't, or can't, or blow off your own issues, then it's not quite fair to either one of you." she said sagely, tone gentle.

Coming from anybody else, such a response might have annoyed Janey because of the faint implications it made about her and Danny's not-so-perfect relationship. But from Zhen, Janey knew she was just being honest--and also that she was right. "True, but..." Janey's face suddenly felt awash with heat, and she lowered the cup away from her face a bit. "What if it's me, something I did wrong? What if," she continued, a lump rising in her throat, "what if I'm not good enough for him anymore?" She choked on the last word, and only then did she realize why her face had felt so warm--she'd been holding back the tears that were rising up, but now they began to slide down her cheeks.

Getting Janey a tissue first, she held it out to the woman, setting her tea aside as she sat forward. "If it is something you did wrong, you'll never know until you talk to him. Even if it is--you should be able to talk about it, and if you're doing something wrong then you can work on that to fix the situation." She waited a moment before she continued, her voice gentle the entire time. "If you're wondering if you aren't good enough for him anymore, then you definitely need to talk to him about it, because there's absolutely no excuse in the world that should justify you feeling that way. Either he needs to show you more that you are, or you need to talk about your relationship, but either way, sweetie, just letting that ride won't do a thing but make you upset, and who knows what's going on with him. These are things that could possibly be dealt with and they'll go away, so there's no need for you to suffer in silence. Being a wife shouldn't mean 'shut up and keep the man happy'. You should be happy too."

Janey let herself cry. She figured it was long overdue anyways. But she took deep breaths to keep herself from getting out-of-control. If she broke down into full-fledged sobs in front of Zhen, she wasn't sure she'd be able to stop. She also wasn't sure Zhen was right. "But if I can't keep him happy..." she said, unsure where she was going with it. If not, then...what? Well, I'm not happy anyways. But if I can't even keep him happy, then... "what's the point?"

Zhen stood up and went to crouch by Janey's chair, reaching out to rub the woman's back soothingly. "Janey, are you happy?" she asked. "You need to be happy too. The world doesn't revolve around your husband. Also, if you aren't happy, and he is, what's the point of that? And if he's the kind of man who can be happy while his wife isn't, then that's not fair either. And if you're not happy, he should also be working to make you happy. It shouldn't be all on you. That isn't your duty as a wife. I know a lot of people think that, but it's not true. You're both supposed to be happy. You're both supposed to be just as important as the other. Don't focus so much on him that you lose sight of that." she said, voice light, gentle, soothing. There was also conviction in it. She believed what she was saying.

Janey was so taken aback by what Zhen was saying that she didn't think before she spoke again. All of her thoughts just came spilling out. "I'm supposed to...be happy? I don't think I know h-h-how to," she said between gasps for breath. Ever since the first miscarriage, nothing had been the same. It didn't matter how many years it had been. And with each subsequent child she'd lost, she felt like she'd fallen further and further into hopelessness.

"Of course you're supposed to be happy." Zhen told her, still rubbing her back gently. "Why on earth would you not think that? You're supposed to be happy together. That's why people get married. That's why people fall in love. They make each other happy. So if you aren't, then that's something that needs fixing. That's something that'll need to change. If you want anything else to work out, if you want your husband to be happy, if you want anything to feel better...you're going to need to come to terms with that, and start thinking about yourself as well. Like I said, if he's worthy of you at all--then he can't be happy when you're this miserable."

Miserable? Janey hadn't really thought of herself as miserable. She was unhappy, and she admitted that, to herself anyways, but she'd become used to it. That was just life, for her anyways, and she was so much better off than other people that she had no room to complain. "He's got so much else to worry about without me being a bother," Janey protested weakly. But she knew, deep down, that Zhen was right. She just needed to bring herself to believe it.

"You're his wife. No part of that should be termed a 'bother'." Zhen said. "Sweetie, is he a terrible man?" she asked, voice light. "Is he an absolute monster, who would actually think that you're a bother? That would want you to suffer in silence?" she posed, thinking that Janey probably hadn't thought about it from that end. Most people didn't. "And big deal if he's got other things to worry about too. So does everyone else in the world. That doesn't give him the right to ignore what's going on with you, or not have to deal with his life. Because he's married, and that's just the way that is. So if that's the case, then he'd better wake the hell up and get his head together. And if you're just projecting that, then you need to stop that because it's detrimental to you, and unfair to him to assume that he'd even feel that way. Says rather awful things about him if you do."

It took a few minutes for Janey to process what Zhen had said, while she tried to control her tears. She'd never even imagined trying to talk to Danny about how empty and grey everything felt sometimes, let alone thought of whether he could try to help her. And trying to wrap her brain around the idea was difficult. "I'm sorry," she said, wiping her eyes. "I didn't mean for you to have to deal with this."

"I asked." Zhen said, tone firm, there. "I saw you were upset, or off, and I asked. So any of this is on me, because I invited it. Don't you go apologizing for anything that isn't your fault, young lady." she said, patting her back. Even if she was younger than the woman. "No sorries from you. I just hope you hear what I'm saying, even if it might be hard."

Janey had to chuckle at Zhen's commanding use of the phrase, "young lady". Not only was she far from being a "young lady", but she had at least five years on Zhen, and that was being generous. But she seemed fairly wise despite her age, or lack thereof. Janey wondered briefly what had happened in Zhen's life to make her into such a caring and honest person. "I know...I guess you're right, I'm just not to thinking about anything the way you've said. Thinking about myself, and such," Janey said.

"I know. and a lot of people don't. But you really should. Just talk to your husband. If he cares at all this will matter to him. And if he doesn't, that'll tell you something right there. But I'm sure he'll care." She said, not actually sure about that, but it wasn't anywhere in her tone. She spoke with a bright conviction that she believed every word of it. "So, talk to the man, tell him how you're feeling, and don't hold back, okay? Be free. Tell him what's going on in your mind. It'll matter." she said, reaching out to give Janey's hand a squeeze.

Janey nodded, and squeezed back. "I'll try," she said, with a wavering confidence in her voice that she didn't quite feel at heart. But she'd get there, maybe. This was what she needed--to be honest with Danny. And the encouragement to do so.

"Don't try. Do it. It'll be best, in the long run. I promise." Zhen told her, standing up and dropping a kiss on the woman's head. "You can do it. You've got the strength. And once you start, it should get easier after that." she added. Honesty was kind of like a floodgate. Once you opened those up, everything came spilling out. Or, that's what happened a lot of the time. Of course, the same worked for lies.

Janey reached for her cup of tea. "It's the starting that will be difficult," she said with a sigh. She took a sip of the tea, which had had a bit of time to cool, and sat up straighter. "I'm sorry--you're supposed to be working," she said, as if suddenly remembering where she was.

"I'm sure the files will wait." Zhen said. "You're more important than a bunch of words on a page that'll just sit in a cabinet for years without anyone even looking at them." she told Janey. Most of the files sat untouched, anyhow. She'd occasionally seen people come to see an old case, just not often.

After swirling her tea in the mug for a few moments in silence, Janey said, "How much do you see of the boys?" Mostly meaning Jackson and Danny, of course, though she didn't specify. Maybe Zhen would have some insights on that situation as well.

"I see them here and there." Zhen said. "Mostly it depends on how social they're feeling. But lately, I've not seen a whole lot of your husband." she said, just in case that was why Janey was asking. Mostly, she'd just heard the rumors around the station about Danny, and Zhen vaguely wondered if Janey knew about the affair. About Stella, and how the affair was over--but only because the woman had wound up dead.

"Yeah, I guess there's been a lot of crazy stuff going on lately. They've all been pretty busy," she said. It comforted her to know that her husband had been seen around the police station as infrequently as he'd been at home lately.

"I suppose." Zhen said, though it was non-committal. "Look, Janey, don't go looking for excuses for him." she said. "It won't do you or him any favors. Just talk to the man, and don't back down on that. Don't back down on anything. It's important that you don't." she said. "And if you need anything afterwards, you know where to find me."

Zhen's words stung a little, though Janey wasn't quite sure why. They made the tears well up again, but damnit, she couldn't waste the afternoon crying pitifully on the shoulder of someone she didn't even know that well. Actually, she shouldn't waste it crying at all. She'd had her moment of weakness, and now it was over. "I really should go," she said, standing up and shrugging into her still-damp coat. "Thanks, Zhen. The tea was wonderful--and thanks for listening."

"You're welcome." Zhen told her, voice gentle. "I'm here anytime. Seriously, I've got the time for you. It's not an inconvenience, and I'll worry anyhow, so you may as well give in and let me know how you are, if you have the occasion to." she said. "I'm always around."

"Okay," Janey replied. What was it about this woman that made her care so much? The question weighed on her mind as she trudged up the stairs, and back out into the cold rain.