talking this out

Who: Danny and Janey
Where:their apartment
When: lunch time

He'd spent the morning checking in at the station then going by the florist to pick up flowers for Cheyenne. Now armed with another bouquet for his wife, Danny decided that he could have lunch at home today. It wasn't a normal occurrence, usually settling for diner food or a sandwich from somewhere, but today seemed like a good day for it.

But between the flowers and his bad arm, Danny was more than fumbling with his keys in the door. He couldn't hold the flowers properly with his hurt arm, nor could he unlock the door. After a few moments of trying he gave up and just managed an awkward knock, hoping Janey would let him in.

Janey trudged into the apartment, the groceries by now starting to feel heavy in her arms. She managed to dig her keys out of her purse with one hand, and when she looked up, she realized Danny was standing awkwardly before the door with a bouquet of flowers. For whom? Maybe he'd been given them by a co-worker as a welcome back to work? "What're you doing here?" she said, the tone of eager surprise clear in her voice.

He'd been waiting for her at the door but turned surprised to see her behind him. "Oh! I was," Danny motioned over his shoulder with the hurt arm which left him wincing in pain. "Lunch," he said through slightly gritted teeth.

"Oh!" Janey said. "What a surprise! I'm afraid I'm just getting back from the grocers', so I haven't got anything prepared..." she said, shifting up next to him and sliding the key in the lock. She was slightly concerned by the pain she'd seen flash across his face, and wondered, irrationally, if maybe he shouldn't be back at the station yet.

"That's fine," he tried to reassure her, feeling useless with the busted arm and good hand full of flowers. "Just a sandwich or something is fine, I have to go back to work in a little while anyway." Once the door was open and they were inside he belatedly handed over the bouquet. "These are for you."

Janey just looked at the flowers for a moment, confused. The last time he'd brought her flowers must've been in the hospital, after her last miscarriage. He wasn't a very romantic or affectionate person, which didn't bother her much--as long as she knew he still needed her. She took the bouquet in her free hand uncertaintly. "I...well, thanks," she said, smiling slightly. "What did I do to deserve these?"

That left Danny frowning just a little, not at Janey but at Zhen's comments about him being a terrible husband. "Did you have to do something to deserve them?" Had he ever gotten her flowers just on a whim? He was starting to think no, or at least not since they'd been dating. "I saw them and thought of you, that's all." Now that his good arm was free he reached for the groceries, taking them from her and into the kitchen so he wouldn't have to continue to stand there and feel like an idiot.

Janey recoiled at the tone of defensiveness his voice took on. She handed him the grocery bag carefully, hoping he could handle the weight with just the one arm, and followed him into the kitchen. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I appreciate them, I really do."

"Don't be sorry. S'my fault for not appreciating you." Danny busied himself with pulling things out of the bag even though he had no good idea where they went. He'd hoped the flowers would make her smile and instead he'd just wound up making her feel worse. Zhen was right, he was a terrible husband. "Do you want to leave me Janey?" he asked suddenly, turning on her. The question wasn't angry, just curious and worried. That's what Zhen had said, fix it or let her go. Maybe Janey wanted to go.

Janey hardly understood the question at first, but when it struck her, it hit hard. It knocked the wind out of her with heart-stopping, terrifying force--a few seconds passed before she realized, in her paralyzing fear, that she'd stopped breathing. "No," she heaved, putting a hand out to steady herself. "Danny, no. Do you want me gone?" Her voice was thick with panic and desperation, her eyes wide, her thoughts spinning. Why would he ask that? What did I do to make him think it? Doesn't he realize I am absolutely terrified of losing him? Just the thought had her shaking.

"No baby, not at all," Danny said moving to put his arm around her waist and pull her into his chest, burying his head in her hair. "God no. I don't want to lose you." He sighed a little not letting go of her any but feeling a knot building in his stomach. "I'm a terrible husband is all. I feel like I've done nothing but give you reasons to leave. I wonder if I make you unhappy more than I make you happy."

"Danny, you're not--not a terrible husband," Janey said, getting her breath back. Already the shaking was subsiding. "Why on earth would I leave you? What is it that you think you've done? I know it's been hard, and it's unfair for me to demand anything of you."

Janey tried to ignore the voice, whispering and rattling between her ears: He already loves me more than I deserve. There was Zhen's voice, too, trying to drown it out, and she didn't know which to believe--if any. She wanted to tell him he wasn't making her unhappy--but she wasn't sure it was true. The things Zhen had said--maybe Danny wasn't the cause of her unhappiness, but could he, should he have been doing more to try and ease it? No--that's my job--my fault, Janey thought. Isn't it?

"I think that's it, it's what I haven't done. You shouldn't feel like just asking me to be here is demanding something." Danny pressed her closer, cursing that he couldn't hold her with both arms. "Damnit Janey, I don't know. I just know you're not happy and I think it's me." He'd reached the limit on his own softness, and he was starting to sound frustrated, not with her but with himself.

Janey shook her head frantically against Danny's chest. She couldn't let him take all the blame. "Maybe you're right. That I...that I should ask you to be here. Maybe it's okay to expect that of you, and maybe...maybe you haven't done as much as you should. But that's in terms of fixing us--or me. The unhappiness itself, I don't think--it's not your fault," Janey replied.

He needed to hear that, that it wasn't his fault, that he did an okay job and there wasn't a good reason for her to leave him. "Whatever it is, whatever I can do to fix it, we'll do okay? I don't care." I'd go to the end of the earth for you, you just have to ask.

This time, Janey nodded. "I'm not sure what it is," she admitted, her voice muffled as she turned in toward his chest. "but I trust you."

Danny turned his head to kiss her temple than pressed his cheek against the same place. "Give me something I can do to help baby, anything." The defeated tone was back as Danny realized with a sinking feeling that Zhen was right. How could he save the others if he couldn't save his wife from herself.

Janey hesitated. What did she want? I want to close the distance between us. But where could they even start? "Be home more often? With me? Instead of...you know, when you're off duty...going down to the bar...I get lonely." It was true. Nights were the worst--when she needed him most, probably. And he was rarely there. It was one thing to be gone on the job, but she knew, even if she didn't like to admit it to herself, where else he spent his time.

There was a slight hesitation before answering because he didn't want to commit to it, to not going down for a few drinks after work. Maybe he'd just work on coming home sooner. "I think I can do that," he told her, not really committing to it, or committing to doing it every night, but he could cut himself off before it got too late right?

Her heart sank a little, hearing the uncertainty in his voice. One step at a time, she reminded herself. "Okay," she said. Getting him to even consider it, and getting all of this out in the open, meant they were at least moving in the right direction.

That hurt, the way she just conceded like that. He'd hoped she'd seem happier, yet if he thought about it, he'd realize his hesitation was what was keeping her from being truly happy. Rubbing her back a little with his good arm he just tried to focus. She wasn't leaving him, that's what mattered.

Feeling calmer now, Janey could no longer ignore the tickling sensation in the back of her throat, from the flowers in such close proximity to her face. She jolted out of Danny's embrace with a loud, squeaky sneeze, and couldn't help but laugh at herself. "Guess I need a vase," she commented, turning back to Danny with a tentative smile.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Danny told her with a smile, not sure if he was feeling better or worse. While she found a vase he went back to groceries, trying to put things away where he though they went. "Janey," he said trying to make his voice sound casual but he was doing a lousy job of it. "You said the other day, that you felt like your life was missing something because you're not a mother...Was that your way of saying you want to try again?"

The question was one that Janey probably should have anticipated, but somehow she hadn't. So when he asked, she was surprised at what first came to mind--DG. The girl's face flashed before her eyes. She hadn't thought about her since Danny had been injured--she'd had far too many other things on her mind. Now she felt with sudden force the desperate desire to have someone who needed her, like a child. Like when DG had needed her, if only for a day. "That depends on what you mean by try again," she said cautiously as she turned on the faucet to fill the vase with water.

Danny wasn't sure how else he was supposed to mean that besides trying again to have another baby. They'd come to some understanding after the last miscarriage that they weren't going to try again, that it wasn't worth the pain. "Try again. For another baby."

Janey took her time arranging the flowers in the vase while she tried to find the words to respond. "I want to say yes, Danny. Because I don't think I'll ever stop wanting a child of my own. But after how many times we've tried, I don't think it's going to end any differently. I just don't think we can." Janey hoped he understood what she was saying--that ruling out a child of their own, naturally, didn't mean that adoption wasn't an option. Maybe that was what they could try again. She didn't want to jump ahead and say it, though. She wanted to see what his own thoughts on the matter were, without her input.

He wasn't sure if he understood, at least not completely. Just a few days ago she'd been crying about not having a baby and now she was just calmly explaining that it wasn't going to happen. "Is there something else that would make you feel better about it, about not having kids?" Danny wasn't sure if she was ruling out adopting again or just trying again. He'd only just realized he'd been wrong in what Janey had been thinking all along.

Janey nodded, but just barely. "Maybe. That's what I meant by trying again...I don't want us to try and conceive again, but I've been thinking, maybe we could reconsider adoption?" Janey felt suddenly angry at herself and how pathetic she sounded. Why couldn't she be like Zhen, blunt and assertive? But no. She heard her own voice, dripping with "maybes" and question marks at the end of every sentence--even when she tried to make suggestions, to state her opinions, she could hear the fear in her own voice that her ideas would be wrong or be rejected, that somehow she just wasn't good enough.

Provided Janey's idea of adopting didn't involve kidnapping again, Danny wasn't entirely against it. He hated the orphanage, hated going by there, the way the nuns looked at him the same way they had when he was younger, the way the kids all looked so pathetic. "Is that what you want to do?" He didn't want to commit to it if she wasn't sure. Part of him wondered if she wanted to have a kid for him, that she thought she needed to prove something to him. He hardly felt that way, but maybe somewhere he'd given her that impression.

"Only if you want to," she said quickly, hating herself as she spoke. It was a gut reaction, it was self-defense--it was the only way she knew how to be. What was her real answer? Did she want to? She still wasn't sure. "And, actually, I just don't know," she confessed. "I guess I'd need to think on the idea and pray on it some more."

"Well do that then," Danny said, trying to sound reassuring. "Figure out what you want to do and let me know. I'm pretty sure if it'll make you happy, it'll make me happy." He was actually fairly certain about that, but there was no need in really laying all that out right now.

"Does that mean you're open to the idea?" Janey pressed. She didn't like it when Danny based his opinions on whatever made her happy. He had to have some thoughts of his own, too.

Honestly Danny wasn't sure if he was open to the idea. He didn't feel entirely like he was against it, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to have a kid, let alone adopt one. Resting his good hand on the counter her considered it, not wanting to lie to Janey. Part of him was about to say he wasn't sure, that he'd have to think about it when he remembered Elle and the first time he met her. About how she'd reminded him so much of that girl that Janey had brought home, just a more grown up version, and how she could have been the face looking back at him in a few years if he'd let the girl stay. "Yeah, I'm open to it," he said with Elle's face in his mind. They'd see how this went.

Maybe we need to work things out between the two of us before even considering bringing a child into the picture, . Janey thought. Things like Danny's drinking. Even though she'd just been to church that morning, Janey had a strong urge to go back. She needed the Lord's guidance. "Okay," she said. She stood still for a moment, gazing at the flowers. "Well, shall we have some lunch? I don't want you to be late going back to the station."

She didn't sound convinced, especially when she didn't look at him. Danny wasn't sure what to say again so instead he just agreed to the question. "Yeah, lunch sounds great baby. Thanks." Leaning in he kissed her temple again, hoping it would be enough.