written while at the cathedral

I've been neglecting my journalings, but lately it seems I just can't find my voice. Even prayer seems exhausting today. I feel like I’m just throwing myself on my knees before the Lord and begging for something to change. I’m not used to feeling this desperate, and it scares me. There’s just so much that seems out of my control. I feel so out of touch with Danny, but I’m so worried about him; I just don’t know how to get him to let me in. I haven’t really tried—I’m afraid to force it, I suppose. And I’m afraid it’s something I did—or maybe didn’t do, who knows. But I’m afraid it’s my fault that he’s acting this way. Maybe he’s just sick of me. Or maybe he’s angry about the miscarriages. He used to tell me he wasn’t ashamed with me, or upset with me, that it wasn’t my fault, but he hasn’t said that in a long time. We haven’t even talked about those things in a long time. I need someone to talk to.

I’m just so tired of feeling lost, but I can’t do a thing to change it.

Dear God, give me strength.